To withdraw from these social plans and be done?

[mrsjasonorange]

I've been embroiled in a ridiculous FWB type situation with an ex boyfriend. We were much heavier on the friends than the benefits, but there were feelings involved, it was getting a bit toxic and however much we claimed we were really 'primarily friends', honestly, it's felt less and less that way recently.

It wasn't that we were indulging in the benefits side either, that kind of fizzled away. It just felt like we were forcing a friendship and I felt like it was very one-sided. We've had many long periods of just friendship (no sex) in the past but for some reason this time round it just wasn't working.

Finally, I suddenly just realised I was done with it. There was no anger, no dramatic moments. I just realised I was sick of the feeling it gave me. I couldn't be bothered to force the friendship any more.

The main driver was that it always felt recently that it was me reaching out and never him. I actually deleted his number. Again, it wasn't a dramatic move, it was more of just a way to take a step away. It stops me reaching out to him and even just not having his name on my whatsapp messages feels better.

The problem is we have tickets to a play together in a couple of weeks. Usually this would be something I'd be super excited about but I'm so enjoying the feeling of having stepped away.

I have the tickets and I paid for them (he will always pay me back). The show only runs for two nights and I really want to see it.

I'm really in two minds what to do.

On one hand, he and I were always insistent that we were truly friends (and for much of the time we were) and I feel like it's unnecessarily dramatic to tell him he's uninvited. He hasn't really done anything wrong, I've just had a change of perspective on the whole thing and realised it wasn't serving me.

On the other hand, I'd like to just take the tickets and go with someone else and let this whole thing finally fizzle out once and for all.

Currently I cannot reach out to him. Given his waning contact recently, there's a chance he may also just not reach out and it won't be an issue. I don't fancy receiving a message on the day saying 'hey, what time are we meeting tonight?'.

I could find a way to reach him if I needed to, but equally I don't feel strongly like I want to cause drama or make some big announcement about not seeing him any more.

Really torn about what to do here.

Send him his ticket & say you’re unable to go anymore. Then swap yours for another night.

If you’re enjoying having him out of your life then seeing him again would be a step backwards.

@CitrusIceCream

Send him his ticket & say you’re unable to go anymore. Then swap yours for another night.

If you’re enjoying having him out of your life then seeing him again would be a step backwards.

This is what I'm thinking I need to do. Maybe I just say I can't make it.

I don't want to be a bitch about it, he doesn't deserve that.

But if there were no forthcoming social plan, I instinctively know our friendship would be on its way out the door and I'm not too sorry about that.

When I was friends with an ex boyfriend that I had finished with, when I felt I was making all the running I just said, your turn to ring next, and it naturally fizzled out.

If they are the hurt party, they might want to stay friends, rather than lose you from their life completely, but it rarely is the best for them.
I have stayed friends with exes but that is where we were both on the same page and it wasn’t toxic.

Sorry, I meant to say, text him and ask him if he wants to buy your ticket from you or should you buy his from him.

@Twoforthree

When I was friends with an ex boyfriend that I had finished with, when I felt I was making all the running I just said, your turn to ring next, and it naturally fizzled out.

If they are the hurt party, they might want to stay friends, rather than lose you from their life completely, but it rarely is the best for them.
I have stayed friends with exes but that is where we were both on the same page and it wasn’t toxic.

This is exactly my situation and exactly why I deleted his number. I was doing all the running.

I would say we are both the hurt parties, to an extent. I ended it but equally I wanted to try again and he didn't.

Because there's been no specific falling out though, I am not sure how to approach it. It would be very abrupt to just text him and tell him I'd no longer be attending, without explanation.

Last conversation was him saying he couldn't make it to a plan we had made previously but he was looking forward to seeing my for the theatre instead. I said 'ok cool' and then just woke up the next day and realised I was over the whole thing.

If you have and paid for the tickets, then he really has no claim to them. You invited, and paid, and have subsequently cut ties.

Take someone else.

I would just use the tickets that you have paid for and go with someone else and not worry about it one bit.

I'd send him a message saying, Hi, just wanted to let you know I've arranged to go to the theatre with Y instead. Hope you're well.

Then ignore.

@SilentPanic

I'd send him a message saying, Hi, just wanted to let you know I've arranged to go to the theatre with Y instead. Hope you're well.

Then ignore.

She has deleted his number.

I don’t think I quite understand. Your last conversation was that he said he is looking forward to the theatre and then the next day you woke up and realised you didn’t want to continue the friendship and deleted his number? You didn’t communicate any of this to him?

So you’re basically just ghosting him and now you are stuck because you think, not knowing that he has been ghosted, that he will expect to stick to the original plan? How awkward for you!

Look, we’ll done for listening to your gut and realising the relationship has run its course. But then I’m not sure you handled the next bit quite right. You need to either be clear with him or let it fizzle out when you don’t have plans I think. And now you don’t have his number so it is difficult to sort out.

This all sounds very dramatic but I think what it comes down to is quite simple: message him and say you don’t feel that you want to see each other any more, sorry but the theatre trip is off, all the best, have a nice life etc. Then go to the theatre with someone else and get on with your life.

It’s fine to end a relationship. It’s not fine to just ghost him and hope he figures it out by himself.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If you have and paid for the tickets, then he really has no claim to them. You invited, and paid, and have subsequently cut ties.

Take someone else.

I think this and the following few messages are really harsh. OP has been clear this guy hasn't actually done anything wrong, she just doesn't want to continue the friendship.

Taking away all the fwb element, what if it was just a female friend you felt you'd outgrown? If "she" had posted on AIBU her POV 'I've got this mate, we've been friends for ages but only see each other now and again but when we do meet up we have a great time. She invited me to a show I really wanted to see, I agreed I'd pay for my ticket when I saw her (we always arrange things like this and always pay each other back). I messaged her the day of the show asking what time to meet, she said she had given my ticket to someone else. AIBU to feel really hurt by this? We haven't had any falling out or anything.' Pretty sure everyone would agree this wasn't a nice thing to do!

Fair enough if you don't want to go with him and want to use the spare ticket for someone else, but you need to woman up and tell him now, so he can book tickets if he still wants to go himself. It's not nice being dumped at the last minute for something you were looking forward to.

Yeah, as you said you can contact him if needs be, then do so just to say "Hi, just to let you know the theatre trip is off. All is well, just realised this break from being in contact is for the best. Take care." Then delete again and enjoy the theatre with a true friend. But it'd be shitty just to ghost.

Thevassal - correct. I don't want to just abruptly disappear or end the friendship.

He isn't blameless in this - my tiring of it all came after feeling like I was doing all the effort to keep our friendship going. The last straw was a very stilted evening together and then him cancelling a subsequent plan.

(He won't cancel on the theatre plans I suspect, that's not the sort of thing he'd do).

That said, we didn't end that last conversation on bad terms and it just feels unnecessarily dramatic to just tell him I no longer wanted to spend time with him.

Are there tickets for the next night and can you afford them?

@NammeChannge

Are there tickets for the next night and can you afford them?

There aren't, sadly. I bought the last couple of tickets.

He might well be feeling exactly the same way and only made noises about the theatre trip to avoid aggro at that time.
You've effed him off, stick to your guns and don't bother again and take someone you'd like to spenf time with to the theatre.

@Watchingyou2sleezes

He might well be feeling exactly the same way and only made noises about the theatre trip to avoid aggro at that time. You've effed him off, stick to your guns and don't bother again and take someone you'd like to spenf time with to the theatre.

I was wondering this. I would feel sad but unsurprised to think we're both just done with it.