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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner is emotionally absent

12 replies

nelma · 02/08/2021 03:26

I'm so lost I don't know whether I'm overreacting/reaching or whether I'm being over emotional especially since this is my first period since having a baby 8 weeks ago. This is the first serious relationship I've been in, serious in that we have a child together after only being together for a year (technically) and serious in that he's the first person I've loved in this way.
As I lay here typing this we have our backs turned to each other in bed, this is the norm. He plays Xbox/is on his phone all day/night in the front room (unless he's at work, which he isn't at the moment on holiday) and I'm in the bedroom with dd, wherein he will come in occasionally to see her. We interact here and there but it's minimal. And then he comes into the bedroom at 2 am where he will say barely two words and then get into bed with his back turned against me (and on top of the duvet with me under it currently). This lack of physical affection can go on for weeks, unless I initiate, which I always do first. Almost everytime without a doubt his reciprocation feels almost forced or very unenthusiastic.

I know it's selfish and needy but I just want to hear him say he misses me like I say I miss him. And to touch me and hug me and kiss me randomly. I want him to want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with him. Just today I came back home excited to tell him I missed him and kiss him after staying at my mums with dd for the night. Instead I come home to him on the Xbox with 0 acknowledgement. I said hi which he may have not heard, but no greeting anyway. I then asked if he was angry to which he replied "what? I'm angry because my attention is not on you?"
Maybe I just needed to vent and write it out to get over it, but I also want to know, AIBU? Am I imagining this situation to be worse and am I just not used to being in a relationship this serious

OP posts:
nelma · 02/08/2021 03:34

Forgot to mention we've been arguing a lot recently. They've been getting bigger and longer over smaller and pettier reasons.

OP posts:
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 02/08/2021 03:47

It's not you. It's him Flowers

Everydayisawindingroad · 02/08/2021 04:34

You are not compatible.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 04:39

This relationship is already over. Save yourself a lot of grief, bullshit, and drama and end it now.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/08/2021 04:45

Does he interact with / do much for his child ?

faithfulbird20 · 02/08/2021 05:11

Can you wean him off his Xbox by giving him more responsibility? Whilst u cook clean or whatever he can look after ur child and vice versa. He sounds like he has a gaming addiction.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/08/2021 05:39

He is totally out of order plating games so much. Anybody would find that annoying. Fine for a short while . I presume he is very young and sounds like he has not stepped up on becoming a father. Unless he is prepared to engage more you are fighting a losing battle and will live in a state of constant frustration and upset. His heart is not in this relationship

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 05:41

He’s not interested in the relationship anymore
Cut your losses

PersonaNonGarter · 02/08/2021 05:46

You are not making it up. Poor you. Flowers I think this won’t work out. Sorry. It was very early to have a baby and he isn’t that committed.

Maskless · 02/08/2021 06:19

I'm so sorry you are in this awful position.

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship mentally and emotionally and is only there physically because he has nowhere else or nowhere better to go or he'd feel bad walking out after having given you a baby.

I'd give him ONE chance to put this right, and then end the relationship by asking him to move out. It might not seem like it now, but you genuinely would be in a better place emotionally if you didn't have to witness his hurtful rejection of you day after day after day.

The thing is, if he does not love you, and he certain does not act like a man in love, then you are not only flogging a dead horse by trying to carry on this one sided relationship but you are harming yourself by trying.

I hope this makes sense.

Gather your family and friends around you because it will be tough but you have to do it.

Good luck x

5475878237NC · 02/08/2021 06:47

I'm sorry to say I agree with the posters above. He has checked out and you need an honest conversation about the future now

nelma · 02/08/2021 15:06

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he's very interactive with DD. Loves her immensely and shows it.

Thank you everyone for telling me how it is

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