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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice/ help

25 replies

Rainingagaininseattle · 01/08/2021 23:58

This isn't an AIBU but need advice or help for my wife.

She has a very unsettled stomach, extreme IBS. To the point where she sometimes take 6 or more imodium in a day and has occasional accidents.

It's hughly uncomfortable and embarrassing for her but is impacting our relationship in a major way too. She fell down the stairs and broke her arm in a rush to the toilet, missed a family holiday and I also don't like sharing a bed when she's unsettled (around once a week).

I've tried to insist she pushes for medical help which she unsuccessfully did once but that was years ago. I'm at my wits end. So desperately sorry for her but desperate for her to insist on help.

Wwyd?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:00

How to help her / get help for her?

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/08/2021 00:03

Has she tried cutting out foods etc? It could be coeliac. Even if she won't seek medical help she surely can't be happy livig like this. It can't be good for her gut to have this happening so often.

over50andfab · 02/08/2021 00:06

Hi, how old is your wife? Is she menopausal?

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:06

She has cut out all bread apart from sourdough which helps a bit but it's obviously more than that. She needs to see a consultant or dietician at least but is so used to it she doesn't seem to realise that bad it is.

It impacts what we can do, for example camping is out of the question.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/08/2021 00:08

Gluten isn't just in bread, it's in oven chips coated in flour, loads of things. Needs proper research/advice to cut it out entirely.

But honestly, I'd be having an "I love you but this is an issue" talk.

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:08

She is mid fifties but has suffered her whole adult life. I can see quite clearly that it's getting much worse but because she's suffered so long she can't see it or recognise that taking large quantities of imodium is harmful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:12

I know it's more than bread. I recommended an elimination diet but it needs to come from a doctor not me and she needs to take it seriously.

I'm really upset at the moment as I'm often (including tonight) sleeping on the sofa to give her privacy with our en suite but I have to work tomorrow and it's really uncomfortable!

OP posts:

Eleoura · 02/08/2021 00:12

Has she ever had a scope, blood tests for coeliacs of any testing at all?How old is she? There are support groups around. If she isn't interested, if might help you with supports and specialists in your area.

Maybe she thinks nothing can be done, but it sounds terrible. Maybe the previous GP was dismissive? Can she see a different GP? Could you make an appointment for her and go along too? Have you talked to her about it?

Eleoura · 02/08/2021 00:14

Sorry OP, cross post with some of your answers.

CassandraX · 02/08/2021 00:27

Does she have an IBS diagnosis? Do you know why she won't see a doctor? Could she have had a bad experience with medical help that prevents her from pursuing it again?

I'm not sure from your post is she is refusing available medical help, and/or saying there's nothing wrong - or is she unable to access/afford it, or thinking it's an unacceptable expense? (I get the idea from your username that you may not be in the UK, where you'd have at least basic and emergency health care via the NHS.)

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:34

We are in the UK. We can afford help. I have suggested it over and over, both NHS and private. She had a bleed a few years ago and that resulted in a colonocscopy - nothing serious was found but IBS ( not cancer etc).

I don't know why she won't go to the doctor. I there thinks imodium keeps it in check.

I'm so worried but also annoyed that I'm living with this too.

OP posts:

Gingernaut · 02/08/2021 00:38

After an episode recently - is she trying to lose weight?

Many weight loss/low fat/no added sugar foods contain artificial sweeteners which can have a laxative effect.

Polyols, xylitol and malitol are common additives.

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/artificial-sweeteners/art-20046936

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:39

No she's not trying to lose weight, eats normally but lowish on fruits

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 00:39

You've got to be honest with her. Her health impacts your life, too, and her refusing to get help is not acceptable in my book. When we are in a partnership, we have a responsibility not only for ourselves but to our partners as well in regards to our health. If we refuse to take any action or get help for issues that are impacting both partner's lives, we have to accept the consequences of our inaction.

It's ok for you to say you don't want to live like this anymore.

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 00:50

Thank you. Yes I will have to insist, living like this is just awful

OP posts:

metters78 · 02/08/2021 00:50

If she has never been tested for any food intolerances/allergies and you were considering an elimination diet anyway she could always get a private test such as the York test.

Obviously the ideal would be to go see a doctor but if she is refusing to then this is just a finger prick blood test you take at home and send off to a lab. She wouldn't have to speak to anyone about it.

www.yorktest.com

Me and my partner got them done after repeat stomach issues

Ladyrattles · 02/08/2021 00:51

Peri menopause made my IBS much worse. I became trapped at home until I did an elimination diet. I'm fine with certain breads but dairy, artificial sweeteners, eggs & some vegetables really set it off. IBS is different for everyone, so finding her triggers could really help her. The IBS network website really helped me. I bought a radar key from them so I can use disabled toilets and wash up, and that made it much easier to have confidence to leave the house again. I really hope things work out for you all.

LoveFall · 02/08/2021 01:37

She needs a full evaluation from a gastroenterologist. I know that is scary and embarrassing for her perhaps, but you both need a proper diagnosis and treatment.

I have ulcerative colitis so I know what it is like to have bowel dysfunction. No fun. For her or you. And yes that is too much immodium.

A GI doc will do blood tests, stool samples and maybe another colonoscopy. They will check for celiac etc.

You really need to have a serious talk. Let her know you will support her through the tests etc. I think it was my husband's distress and unhappiness that finally made me get a referral to my IBD specialist. It was a long wait and I was scared but I really love him now and he knew how to get me in remission. Huge, huge improvement in my quality of life.

Good luck. I hope you find answers soon.

Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 06:06

I dont feel sorry for her I'm afraid. I have a family member who has this and I know how debilitating and awful it feels but I dont have much sympathy for a grown adult who refuses to seek help for themselves and prefers to just let their life and their OH's life suffer instead.

This isnt your responsibility. Your responsibility is being supportive and kind and there for her when she asks for help. It's her responsibility to look for solutions and get medical help.

Seesawmummadaw · 02/08/2021 06:14

Have a look at fodmap. I got fed up with being fobbed off with the ‘it’s just ibs’ label because it was really interfering with my life (relationships, work, holidays etc).

SchrodingersImmigrant · 02/08/2021 07:47

@Kalvinette

This isnt your responsibility. Your responsibility is being supportive and kind and there for her when she asks for help. It's her responsibility to look for solutions and get medical help.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with this. As with anything, if person isn't looking to help themsleves, especially when the issue affects others, I have very little sympaty.

Truthfully, I admire your patience because mine would run out long time ago

stevalnamechanger · 02/08/2021 10:04

Pay for her to see a private gastro consultant

Original poster

Rainingagaininseattle · 02/08/2021 13:12

I have offered, I don't know why she won't go.

OP posts:

over50andfab · 04/08/2021 10:46

I wonder if she is scared at what, if anything, might be found and that’s the reason she doesn’t want to seek help for this? It is how some people react which is such a shame.

The reason I asked about age is that IBS can worsen with menopause, see this link (do show it to her and perhaps read together) d2931px9t312xa.cloudfront.net/menopausedoctor/files/information/631/Bloating%20and%20bowel%20problems%20final%20(1).pdf

There was also a programme last night on one of the main TV channels about gut health which mentioned bloating etc.

Upamountain43 · 04/08/2021 11:15

There will be a reason why she does not want to seek help and it will be to do with fear of something

Fear of the embarrassment
Fear it is something serious
Fear she will be told there is nothing that can be done
a fear that no one else would ever think of.

Try and move your thinking from how to get her to accept treatment to trying to understand why she won't.

Good luck

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