Does anyone else understand this feeling? Struggling to part with items and feel awful

[Movinghouse7]

My grandma passed away in 2019 and she was my best friend. We were really close and I miss her every day. I’ve rented a large flat for the last 5 years and she helped me furnish the place when I moved in as I didn’t have much money and there was so much space to fill. She paid for some new items such as a living room set but she use to love walking around all the charity shops in town and she would find the best items, she had amazing taste! She would either buy the items for family or buy them for herself and then one of us would nick it from her flat 😃 (with her permission of course). I would say 80% of my furniture has come from her.

I’ve finally got myself on the property ladder and managed to purchase a flat, but it’s a lot smaller and I won’t be able to take all of my things with me. My family want some but I will have to sell other things and the thought of it is really upsetting me. I feel awful and I’m struggling to decide on what to take and what to leave. By no means am I a hoarder but I feel like I have special connection with these items now that she’s not here anymore, does that make sense? It’s like they are the only thing I have left of her and I feel guilty selling them on. It makes me feel better knowing my family are having some things.

If she was here now, she’d tell me to stop being stupid and would just want me to be happy but I just can’t help shake this feeling and now it’s getting closer to moving day the decision is getting harder and harder. I know someone else will get enjoyment out of them but it's just hard to let go. Does anyone understand?

I understand. A friend really struggled when she had to find new homes for her mum's stuff; while it was still all together she felt her mum's presence and was afraid that dispersal meant she somehow 'disappeared'. She got through it, as will you💐

Totally understand you. It is extremely hard closing a chapter of your life that meant so much and beginning a new one.The thing is you do take so much with you..the love in your heart and your precious memories will mean so much more than stuff. You could maybe to ease things rent a storage lock up and then give yourself time and space to deal with things at a later date when you feel stronger,happier and more settled,The things may well loose their value to you as your memories grow? Be kind to yourself OP nothing needs to be done right now time and space will always help. I wish you much happiness in your new place making new memories to go with the old memories,One day you will feel so much stronger and it wont hurt so much like it does now,Have a google at the national storage solutions on offer in your area think its only a few pounds a month.Best wishes x

I do understand. I get very sentimental about stuff like this.
All you can do I think is pick out all the most beautiful and special things and treasure them even more. Choose the things that can be heirlooms.
What if you use any money you get from selling the things to invest in something new and special that you can have in her honour?

Thank you so much for all your kind messages, it really does mean so much. Just knowing that other people understand makes me feel better. I don't feel as silly now for crying over a telephone table earlier 🙈 if she was here she'd laugh at me! In my mind I've chosen the items that mean the most to me and have a story behind them, such as a sideboard that she found in a charity shop and painted a lovely colour to match my sofa (she was so creative, I do not take after her in that department 😆). A pp suggested a great idea to maybe store the other items until I know what I want to do with them.

Thank you again, I feel better already

I still have £30 in a card that she gave to me (passed away 3 days after my birthday) and I've always said I would wait to use it to buy something special. I'm not sure what yet but it will definitely be something for something to honour her

I understand op.
My house is full of mums stuff.
And ive still got the last £20 she gave me.

I understand this completely, It’s very hard. I was very close to my parents and I really struggled with their possessions after they passed away, it somehow felt really disrespectful to get rid of them. Somehow it felt like I was throwing my parents and their lives and the memory of them away, erasing them. The physicality of a piece of furniture or china that they had touched brought them closer to me. Not in a fetishistic kind of way, just as a comfort.

This went on for a while until a very kind friend gently reminded me that a person’s memory and your love for them doesn’t reside in a physical object, it’s in our hearts and minds.Your connection will remain even when the physical object is no longer present. She also reminded me that they wouldn’t have wanted me to feel so sad and would want me to go on to live a full life and part of that is learning to let go what must be let go.

It did help to donate things to the organisations that helped them - the local hospice, the British Heart Foundation and Cancer Relief. I have kept some very small pieces but only a few.

Grief and mourning take many forms and everyone takes a different amount of time to come to terms with a loss and each of us does it at our own pace. Be kind to yourself.

I completely understand. It’s funny the things after a loved one has passed away that mean so much and the thought of parting with them is impossible.

If you can stretch for storage I’d do that. I know it’s been 2 years, but imho it’s still really early days grieving and adjusting to the new life without her and if you’re not ready yet to get rid of certain items then I wouldn’t force it. You’ll know when you’re ready, and will be able to make the choices about what to keep or move on much easier.

Alongside furniture and other sentimental things from my darling aunt after she died, I had some gift bags she used to carry things in daily. It took me about 3-4 years to get rid of them - I never used them, just had them sat on the side. It felt positively disloyal to bin them before then, as though I was throwing her away. Sounds bonkers writing it out, but the feelings were so strong until I was ready for it then it was ok for me to do so and I felt at peace with it.

Congratulations on your new home.

I understand. I'm very sentimental about things. Plus, I was very close to my lovely late Gran.... she represented stability and safety in my childhood. I have some of her things, but with every year that passes, I realise more fully that she lives on in my heart and memories and not in furniture and paintings. As long as I'm alive, she will be loved and will never leave.

Sell the things you can't take and buy something really special to remember her by, perhaps some artwork that you can always find a place for no matter where you move to?

Or a piece of jewellery that you can wear 24/7 and keep her close?

I'm so sorry you feel this way but it will get better. It took me three years to open my mum's handbag so I really understand how you feel. I think the storage idea is great, and then you can sort stuff out when the time is right for you.
Enjoy your new home x

Have a read of Marie Kendo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying. It’s a really quick read but could totally transform the way you feel about “stuff” and what to keep/discard. Definitely read it before you get rid of anything, as she has some lovely ideas about repurposing things that you love but don’t use, and also how to part with sentimental items.

With my grandmas items I felt the same way so I kept the most lovely bits and bobs and then I gave the rest to my friends who were single parents like she was and then to a charity she supported.
My friend send me a picture of my grandmas kitchen table with her children eating their tea on it I know I did the right thing.

I really feel for you.
When my sister died very young, we had to clear out her house. Every single thing was a connection to her and something she’d chosen and touched.

Try to concentrate on how happy she would be for you with this new exciting chapter in your life, and take a few items of hers along for the ride. Maybe chose special places in your new place where they will be prominent and you can smile and think of her every time you see them

Take photos of the items and put in an album along with other photos to remember her. It sounds odd but actually makes getting rid of the physical items easier if you can keep hold of the memories.

Even if it’s not a lot of money - sell them and set aside the money to buy something special
If it helps take photos of the things that are going and keep them even print into a scrap book
It’s the memories and association that are important not the objects themselves

I’m hopeless at this as very sentimental too but I had the same thought as a PP - if you can’t let go yet then put some things into storage. I’d be worried that once sold, they’re gone forever. Different with family members, of course.

When sorting through my DGMs belongings we have kept an awful lot as wouldn’t want to throw/ give anything away and regret it later. She died late last year so still feels as though we are in the grieving process.

Could you perhaps put up a post on a local Facebook group or similar, asking for people just starting out who might need the furniture. So your Gran can help some more people get their start

Your grandma sounds fantastic and I'm sorry for your loss. It is very difficult. Would it help to remember that your grandma was able to get those lovely gifts because someone else donated them? I bet if she were here and knew you were donating some of your things, she would be so excited about the idea that another person would have the wonderful find of your donated items, and have the opportunity to give them to their loved ones. And it sounds like she would really enjoy filling your new flat too. Your grandma is always in your heart and that matters so much more than anything else

Try to save a few of the most special things. After my mum died I saved her knitting which is still half done and sits in a basket in my living room , her sewing machine and her key ring. All super special to me because she would have handled them so much.