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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a rubbish friend or is this to much?

22 replies

pineapplecat21 · 01/08/2021 20:22

Just wanting opinions over something I've been mulling over for a while now.

I met friend a year ago, all was good and dandy she was nice enough and our DC got on well. She was quite clingy expecting me to see her 3-4 times a week, but I thought she was getting to know me.
She knows I have an auto immune disease which means I can go AWOL for a while, while I'm dealing with my illness flare ups this can last months and I'm basically incapable of doing anything for myself let alone seeing friends and being socialable.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I had another flare up and went AWOL I was litteratly and still am sleeping 15-16 hours a day (which with two DC on summer hols as well is very hard as well as keeping on top of friendships, texts etc.) and had a lot of family stress on my plate which obviously must come first.
I received a message off her saying she felt like we had grown apart simply because I hadn't messaged her for a few weeks.

AIBU to feel a bit put out here? I didn't think not tending to a friendship for a few weeks would be the end of it? Confused I'm 40 something years old and I feel like I'm back in the school yard.

This isn't the first time she's said something like this either, and regularly complains if people don't message her or message her first.
I'm just wondering if it's worth my time and energy (of what I have little left!) investing in sorting things out or if I should run away? Or I'm being a crappy friend like she's making out I'm being.

OP posts:
Hotcuppatea · 01/08/2021 20:26

She sounds very high maintenance. Maybe take a look at ambivalent attachment styles and see if it sounds familiar. This is about her self esteem, not anything you've done or haven't done.

MaraScottie · 01/08/2021 20:26

Urgh I'd run a mile. That sort of intensity is suffocating.

Did she know you were struggling with your illness?

3luckystars · 01/08/2021 20:28

Cut her off now and save yourself years of her making you feel bad.
She is looking for something you can’t give, is getting resentful that you can’t and is attacking you for being who you are. You are not going to change and neither is she.
You are a bad fit so let her go.
All the best.

Stichintime · 01/08/2021 20:31

As its such a short friendship I'd let it fade out.

RandomMess · 01/08/2021 20:34

I would just reply, I'm ill this is how it is when I'm ill no idea how many months before I'm better.

Original poster
pineapplecat21 · 01/08/2021 20:36

Yes she knows I'm struggling and that it's progressing. Your right it does sound like this is more to do with her feelings than my own.
I really like her as a person just find it to much and end up feeling guilty when I receive messages like that. I just don't seem to have enough time in the day. Sad

OP posts:
Lou898 · 01/08/2021 21:04

Just message
I shouldn’t need to explain as you know I’m unwell and therefore unable at present to be my usual sociable self. Sorry you are unable to be understanding of my needs during this time.

toocold54 · 01/08/2021 21:42

I can go weeks without talking to my friends but then we have been solid friends for years so it’s probably easier.

Have you planned to meet and then she’s asked if it’s still on and you’ve not replied?
I think it’s quite rude to not reply to a message for a few weeks. You don’t need to reply the same day but I would feel hurt if you hadn’t replied with a couple of days.

robotcollision · 01/08/2021 21:45

I'm like you but I do think I'm a rubbish friend. For health reasons, work reasons, family commitments I can go awol for months at a time. I take repsonsibility for the fact this makes me a poor friend and has upset a lot of people over the years. i feel very lucky indeed that so many friends have hung in there, despite this. If you like her, why not just say, sorry when I am ill I go AWOL. I don't mean to be a bad friend but my illness means I can't guarantee being reliable and available.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 02/08/2021 00:14

She sounds a little full on but it depends what you mean by ‘go awol’. Have you told her you are ill and that you won’t be around for a while? Because disappearing for weeks when you’ve been seeing so much of her will seem weird otherwise. And if she’s a friend wouldn’t she help out if you’re ill rather than just not hear from you for months?

NumberTheory · 02/08/2021 02:27

”She was quite clingy expecting me to see her 3-4 times a week, but I thought she was getting to know me.”

That’s not really how good relationships work is it? You don’t demand lots and lots of someone’s time to get to know them and then tone it down to a more “normal” level. You get to know people relatively slowly and mutually ramp things up as you find things in common and decide you get on well/have compatible lives/etc.

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 02:45

Block

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 02/08/2021 03:12

I'd run like the wind

SD1978 · 02/08/2021 03:14

Did you at least message to say you wouldnt be in touch? I would find it quite insulting to be honest, if someone I had seen several times a week for the last year, suddenly basically dropped me- as you obviously haven't told her you found the several times a week thing too much. Several weeks no contact would probably have me a bit miffed too if I was her.

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 03:26

@pineapplecat21

unfortunately .. there will be people in life.. who will remain tone deaf .. to your pain your distress and your need for peace to recover .. whilst prioritising their needs over yours..

sadly fact ..

I hope you feel improved soon 🌸

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/08/2021 07:18

A lot of people /friends know that someone has a chronic condition but few realise what this actually MEANS for the person... ie having massive flare ups /having to lay low for a while /cancel plans at short notice.

Summermum123 · 02/08/2021 07:29

Depends, has she messaged you? If she had and you just didn’t reply for a few weeks, I’d personally be a bit curious too? Especially if you usually reply. A quick text to say sorry I’ve gone awol struggling with health at the mo, speak soon.. totally fine! Depends on what your relationship is usually like!

Tal45 · 02/08/2021 08:41

She sounds quite intense and rather self absorbed. I'd just say 'Sorry, I'm really struggling at the moment dealing with a bad flareup, hope you're ok though.' and leave it to that. She needs to have a bit of compassion and understanding in this friendship and if she can't manage that then maybe it's time to take a step back.

Original poster
pineapplecat21 · 02/08/2021 08:52

No she hasn't messaged me at all apart from to say we've grown apart which I replied the same day too. She hasn't bothered otherwise which also seems strange to me why say that when your not making an effort yourself? 😅
Just annoying as I've done a lot for her over the year, and thought we were good friends. I just feel really awkward now with her.

OP posts:
MeadowLines · 02/08/2021 08:57

I agree with @IamtheDevilsAvocado that a lot of people really dont understand how much a chronic health condition really affects your life and the life of those around you. If you havent previously, Id make a point of gently explaining to her exactly what happens during a flare up in terms of what you're able to manage or not. If with this info she still expects more, then Id say she's not a friend for you unfortunately

UnsuitableHat · 02/08/2021 09:00

She sounds overly needy and self focused. ‘We‘ve grown apart’ is a weird thing to say to someone you’ve only known for a year.

Summermum123 · 02/08/2021 09:52

@pineapplecat21 that is strange if she hasn’t even text you either! I’d just try not to worry too much right now, give yourself time to feel better and see what comes of it.. yourself and your kids are your priority

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