Restarting for marriage and kids?

[Langy654321]

Me and my DH have weathered many storms due to my family not accepting him. He has never done anything directly wrong but on a couple occasions reacted from years of passive aggressive digs, remarks, bullying type behaviour.
I was very excited to introduce him to my long term group of friends and the majority (spearheaded by the strongest characters) also made my husband feel unwelcome (during our dating days).

We had our children early on in the relationship and this caused as a good buffer from building our own lives without anyone openly suggesting that we were trying to disengage. I stayed in touch to avoid any direct drama but kept my distance. It sort of worked, but I did feel at times as though I wasn’t doing my husband enough justice.

However now our children are getting older, for whatever reason - I can feel the claws coming back out. The odd remark here and there surfacing. A sort of - you can hang out with us more and see us more so why aren’t you?

Can this set up ever work? It feels like a double whammy with it being BOTH family and friends. And honestly, it isn’t him.
I feel like the only way out is to start a fresh somewhere else but then why should we uproot the stability that we have created here? We are in a great area, stable jobs - but the proximity to those toxic characters and groups is close enough to still want to and expect me to engage.

Husband does not always speak out but I know deep down it upsets him when I associate myself with those that have been nasty about him. Has anyone ever been through this? Has anyone got any advice?

Yanbu, your loyalty should be to your dh who it seems like has put up with alot of this toxicity. cut those friends out, go low contact with your family. Surely your kids have noticed their treatment of him too.

What's the basis of their dislike of him?

Thank you MrsN - That’s where I’m leaning towards, good to see a balanced reply thank you.

Crushed - Honestly, have no idea - I would say because I’d never had a boyfriend before and I spent majority of time with these friends and still lived at home that it hit a nerve. We were long distance so made the most of our time together when we could but that’s not to say we didn’t try and consciously balance it out so that no one felt left out. We took it into consideration lots, and since these other friends have got partners or younger relatives have got married - who moved in at a quicker pace, saw people way less than us - it’s very apparent that we were condemned because we were the ‘first’ to get serious.

OP,

If your husband is a good kind man, your loyalty is 100% to him.

End of. Completely END OF.

I think it is extremely dishonourable and disloyal to listen and tolerate ANYONE speaking badly of a decent spouse.

It is a deal breaker.

You need to look at yourself before you look at your friends.

Why would YOU tolerate this for one minute?

I wouldn't tolerate even the slightest criticism of my husband much less a dig about him from a friend or my family.

They only do this because you have allowed it.

I feel very sorry for your husband that his wife is so disloyal.

YOU have behaved badly.

YOU need to put your family straight once and for all and cut your friends off COMPLETELY and tell them why.

How dare they treat him like that for no reason.

If I was your husband I would be very very disappointed in YOU and YOUR behave would cause me to change how I feel about you.

Loyalty in a relationship is critical IMO.

Look to your own behaviour first and deal firmly and finally with those that are unkind to this nice man.

As to questions regarding hanging out?

"No thanks, you are rude and disrespectful about MY darling husband and I have zero interest spending more time with you"

I stayed in touch to avoid any direct drama but kept my distance. It sort of worked, but I did feel at times as though I wasn’t doing my husband enough justice.

what drama? It's less drama cutting people off than putting up with rudeness and shitty behaviour.

It sounds like you live in a tiny place if your only options are the old "friends" that are clearly not your friends. I would have relocated ages ago. Family, you can see once at Christmas and be done with it.

Billy1996: Thank you for your reply. Makes a lot of sense.

Eighty: Thanks for replying. When I say drama, I mean passive drama. Ignoring my husband enough to make him feel unwelcome within group of friends. Drama from family would be an increase in nastiness to husband if I was to make cutting contact down in an obvious way. I suppose I would not want the situation getting any worse than it is but being in limbo (low contact limbo) hurts our relationship.

We do not live near the friends but near enough that there is not the excuse of distance. They keep in contact now and again. I get along with one or two and I think this is what has kept me from hitting the escape button.

If I was to speak honestly to the ones which had been respectful to my husband and explain why I am limiting my contact would that make matters worse? A part of me feels they don’t deserve an explanation as they have gone along with it in a way - and let the nastier friends carry out their behaviour without stepping in - if that makes sense?
Do we just start a fresh and leave them all to it?

Leave them to it is the easiest thing to do.
As for family, the same.

You sound like you might be in your 30's?

Loads of time to grow a new set of friends.

Bottom line is, why should you tolerate ANY nastiness towards him?

Completely unacceptable.

Billy: Thanks again for the reply. That’s right mid-late thirties. How did you guess so well? We both have hobbies we would like to upkeep and explore further.

Just wondering how to see restarting in a new location as a positive and not a case of ‘letting others win’. Bit of a battle with myself but deep down I know it will create a freedom we do not feel here.

If people have a problem with OH that's their problem and I won't let it impact our relationship. My loyalty is to him 100% as he's a great partner, dad and my best friend (cringe, I know ).

I'm perfectly happy to cut off 'friends' or 'family' if I need to because he's done nothing to hurt them and some people just love drama.

@Langy654321

Billy: Thanks again for the reply. That’s right mid-late thirties. How did you guess so well? We both have hobbies we would like to upkeep and explore further.

Just wondering how to see restarting in a new location as a positive and not a case of ‘letting others win’. Bit of a battle with myself but deep down I know it will create a freedom we do not feel here.

Don't underestimate the value of freedom. To have it is the ultimate win.

Far better to look to hobbies, sports and shared interests to make new friends.

Ye are at a great age to explore these.

Look on it as planning for the next stage of your lives and being honest with the type of people you would like to spend it with.

There is absolutely NOTHING to be gained investing futher in such toxic, unrewarding relationships.

No explanation required either, just fade them out, be completely unavailable or simply stop replying.

Shouldn't be too difficult for them to work out.

Don't mention any moving plans to anyone.
It really is no one's business.

Why do you have to move? Do you live in a tiny village or something? Couldn't you just start again but in the same house if you like the area?

Girl: What a great honest reply thank you x

Billy: Thank you, you’ve given me some much needed clarity and confidence. You’ve explained everything in a manageable way to digest.

Drink: Thanks for the message 🌸
Fear of obligation and guilt to excuse I suppose. Same house is in walking distance to some of these ‘friends’. Family have a way to make me feel like a badly behaved pup, as do these friends - if I don’t keep in contact. I think the biggest problem is myself and just owning it and moving on without caring.