Was/is my mother abusive?

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I don't really know where to start with this. I could list over a hundred examples so I'm going to just say a few from my childhood that stand out for me and a few from now. I'm now mid thirties with a toddler and I'm so gentle and soft on him I believe as a direct result of my "strict" upbringing.

Since having my toddler my relationship with my mother has got worse. At one point when we lived apart and I was a carefree 20 something it was excellent, but now I have a child it brings back a lot of memories from my childhood to me and also I am not the person I was before - able to accommodate and do everything my mother wanted to do. Now my child comes first and my life is very different because of that (same for all parents!)

As a child - my mum would get so angry over small things. If I dropped a bowl she would fly into a rage leaving me terrified. She would come into my bedroom say it wasn't tidy enough and called me a slut when I was about 13. At the dentist I was told I needed braces at about 9 and she was outright furious and the dentist receptionist intervened and said it wasn't my fault and she dragged me out shouting and gave me a huge telling off then the silent treatment. She did the same when a hairdresser told her I had nits.

I remember being about 5 and in the car and she shouted "why does everyone else have lovely children and I have a brat!"

When I was 17 I had a small bump in a car park and she wouldn't believe my (true) story and called me a liar and shouted so much I had to pretend I had lied and agreed to her story that I'd done something worse. She said she had CCTV from the car park and I was lying.

We were getting a kitten from a rescue centre for me when I was 11 and without telling me she cancelled that kitten and changed to a different one and when I got upset (we had already visited the kitten) she was furious and said I was ungrateful.

That was typical childhood - hiding from mum's rages. In between that she championed me, was generous and funny and when I'm a good mood was great. She encouraged me to do whatever I wanted in my career and was very supportive in that way. She never hugged me or told me she loved me that I can remember but I felt loved she just wasn't that kind of person.

Now she is disproportionately angry and controlling. She doesn't like anyone to disagree over anything however small and says people talk down to her and she will just shut her mouth. She very regularly refuses to speak to people and only has two friends as she has fallen out with everyone else.

It's sad because I do love her and she does a lot for me and when she is good it's great but I feel on eggshells with her and basically it's her way or the high way. Is this just a slightly difficult woman or is this abusive?

She does sound abusive. I would say, don’t discount that she may have been abusive to you just because there were good times. Very rarely is an abuser constantly awful - usually they have moments of being nice to you, and it can be confusing to a child.

It’s brilliant that you’ve managed to break the cycle with your son and now are a gentle and loving parent. Hopefully you can work through this in your head.

I started having panic attacks at age 14 and she wouldn't let me get any help, believing anything like that is made up or a weakness. Eventually she did let me see a GP who referred me a specialist who said it was anxiety but it never went any further than that.

I've suffered from anxiety on and off ever since then which was at its worst after having my baby to the point of being quite extreme. It's settled again now but it's always there. Obviously I don't know if this is related or anything but when I told her I think I had PND she said "well you didn't get that from me".

Wow, I could have wrote the exact thing.

She is definitely abusive, I just started coming out of the fog now.. and realised it wasn't just my father that was a drug addicted abusive narc, but my mother too.

I'm going to start counselling to work through it but it looks like you broke the cycle!

Omg just read your update!

Yes anything medical, I was accused of making it up. The optician told my mother that my eyes would be bluurry all day. She said I was making it up and made me walk around supermarkets and I was literally blind I kept falling over.

Or how I didn't have a broken nose after my brother punched me

Or how I didn't have various other things.

I'm possibly not allowed anxiety but she and my sister are!

Yes. This sounds like an abusive childhood to me. You were scared to make small simple childhood mistakes, force to lie and admit to things you didn't do and were blamed for things that could have in no way been your fault. I am so sorry this happened to you and that you are now seeing similar behaviour from your Mother again..

I had similar experiences and always just thought my childhood was 'strict' until during counselling in my early twenties my counsellor said to me 'you realise your childhood was abusive right?'. After that I spent probably about 2 years mentally unpicking everything and realised that yes, my childhood was very abusive and it sounds like you are going through that self discovery now.

This could be quite difficult for you, be kind to yourself.

I'm very sorry you had an abusive childhood. I believe you. Many people start putting the pieces together and realise when they have a family of their own.

Yes she was abusive. Mine was the same. My abiding memory of my childhood is asking her if I'd been good and being genuinely terrified of the answer because her rages were awful. I would routinely be shaken and thrown across the room.

She also changed history and gaslighted me to the point where I often questioned my own memories.

Honestly, the day she died was the best day of my life.

Thank you. Someone saying "I believe you" has reduced me to tears.

Can someone be abusive if they want what's best for you though? My mother does want me to do well and be happy, she just had these rages and makes everything about her.

Can someone be abusive if they want what's best for you though? My mother does want me to do well and be happy, she just had these rages and makes everything about her.

She doesn't want what's best for you. She wants what makes her look good.

Once you realise that you can find the strength to detach a d walk away. Stop feeding her ego and heal. It's ducking difficult because we are fed all these lines about how our parents unconditionally love us, how they made sacrifices for us, how they want the best for us......it's hard to realise that for some parents it's bollocks.

Your childhood sounds very similar to mine OP, although I didn't get the career support. I would say my mother is "proud" of me, but only because she thinks it's a positive reflection of herself.

It think accepting there may have been good bits but that doesn't mean her behaviour that repeatedly made you feel unsafe and unloved, isn't abuse.

Do you have much of a relationship with her now?

My mother always wanted what was best for me - but she wanted to define this - and really it was about what was best for her. My thoughts about what was best for me were irrelevant.

Don't know if this resonates.

Yes of course, very few people genuinely believe they are the bad guy.

My mother was, and still is, exactly the same. I absolutely class this as mental and emotional abuse.

She was controlling, neurotic, angry, manipulative, disrespectful of privacy or boundaries, would re-write history (even things that she had JUST said), made me responsible for all of her happiness and emotions, yet was dismissive of mine. I had years of therapy in my teens and twenties and still struggle now in my late 30s.

What you're going through is very real and very hard - but the fact you recognise it is amazing. Stay strong, get help, have clear boundaries. It's tough.

OP,
I believe you too.
It sounds horrifyingly abusive.

Is it really in your best interests to be in a relationship with your mother?

I certainly wouldn't want a woman like that anywhere near my children.

Have you a supportive partner?

I wouldn't allow her anywhere near my child. Your mother is/was simply horrible. I'm sorry you've had to experience this.

Can someone be abusive if they want what's best for you though? My mother does want me to do well and be happy, she just had these rages and makes everything about her.

People are not usually monsters, as in intent on messing with you out of evil. More often it's a mixed up picture where someone was not shown the right care as a child, or for some reason (whether upbringing or mental health problem, brain chemistry etc) can't regulate their feelings enough to deal with the normal anger, frustration, jealousy etc we all have. None of that makes it ok for you to have been treated that way, though.

Do you know much about your mum's upbringing?

Very much like my dad's mum. He's in his 60s amd still affected by it despite her being dead for years.

I would say have strong boundaries.

Yes, sweetheart, your mother was abusive. She may well have believed she wanted the best for you, but it's clear from what you've described that her actions demonstrated anything but. I agree with a PP that she wanted what she believed was the best for you. I'm also sure that she will have suffered her own form of damage growing up: her behaviour is indicative of childhood wounding that has been unattended to.

My mother was the same, and there are a lot of overlaps between how she was with me and the behaviour you're describing. I have spent a long time understanding this and working through it. I believe you 100%. I also know 100% that she won't change - she probably can't at this stage - and that it's better that you keep a very healthy distance between you, your child, and her. And then perhaps start whatever form of therapy or counselling feels best for you so that you can break free.

Yes she was and is abusive. My mother was awful - nothing I did was ever good enough. She used to call me a whore before I even knew what that was. Even now in her late eighties she tries to be controlling but I’m old enough not to care.

Until you reach that point I’d limit any interaction with your mother. Don’t be around her - it gives her the power to hurt you. Build your confidence with your child and your friends and eventually you’ll see she’s bitter and destined to be lonely - and only has herself to blame.

You could be describing my mother, the story about the car particularly resonates, i had a similar experience when i was about 8 with a flask that i had broken at school my mum would not believe the true story i gave her and she flew into a terrible rage eventually i lied and made up a story that she believed. It was horrible and she made me feel ashamed for lying and bewildered that she wouldn't believe the true account. I cut contact with her when she became impossible to cope with, and she died about 10 years ago, i am still having flash backs of how she treated me. I would urge you to stop seeing her she will never change, none of it is your fault don't let her make you feel guilty, stop trying to please her there is nothing you can do to make the relationship with her any better.