My DF was an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. I'm trying to cut down and ultimately stop drinking but I think I need to understand how much his behavior has affected mine.
Obviously, it won't be helpful to say that my destiny is out of my own hands. Only I control picking up the drink and consuming it. I get that. How I think of this however is that….imagine you fall over and scuff your knee…whether you fell down or I pushed you, you still have to tend to the injury the same way, healing is still something only you/your body can do.
If you fell down 10 times in one week and you thought maybe I pushed you 5 of those times, would it not make sense to figure out exactly what was influenced by me and what was purely you on your own?
I hope that makes a bit of sense.
So, I'll try and be succinct here
DF was/is quite a disturbed person generally and this fueled his need to drink. There is obviously way more to this but I'm asking about this one specific thing.
Would frequently get drunk, as in like slurring words, rambling and doddering all over the place. Maybe like (some) normal people's dads might do on xmas day, he'd do that 3–5 times a week.
Would fly into a rage if anyone ever suggested he got drunk or had a drink problem. It was always couched as a man thing, a Friday night thing, a sunny day thing, a rainy day thing, normal etc etc
On one occasion as a small child I had said to someone about how much he drank. Not as in "telling them" just as kids that age do, describing an evening at home. He went absolutely ballistic at me. Didn't talk to me for weeks including over Christmas and wouldn't let me hug him on Christmas Day. I tried writing a letter to him to explain that I hadn't done what he said I had, which was purposefully and spitefully spreading rumours that he was a drunk. Eventually he (while drunk) forgave me and I was obviously young and desperate to have things go back to normal so I didn't bother insisting that I had never deserved that to happen in the first place.
My DM is one of those people who believes that men are gods because they have jobs and you never "go against" them. She was often on the receiving end of my DF's wrath and would do anything to keep him sweet. My point here is that if I had a kid with my DP and he was doing all this I can't imagine doing what my DM did which was a) letting him act like this for so long and b) telling me I brought it on myself and deserved it.
My DF used to stay up late drinking and talking/shouting to himself. During these sessions his mood could really turn and so my DM would sit with him as a sounding board for him going on and on and on.
From as early as I can remember she substituted me in these sessions to "save her from it". So I would sit for hours listening to him rant and watching him get progressively more drunk, eventually just slurring and rambling and complaining. He loved to lecture and pontificate and even though he went round the pubs etc I don't think he could get the silent, smiling, nodding stuffed doll thing outside of his own family.
Quite often he would, either from drink or just his abrasive personality, get annoyed at my DM and be nasty/ignore her for weeks. I was always drafted in to try and "bring him round" which involved being really OTT enthusiastic/nice to try and crack the moods. I remember at christmas one year (xmas always bad as more alcohol consumed) he was raging and hating his way through xmas dinner because he was annoyed with my DM. I was in full on "oh isn't the turkey great, didn't DM do a good job, isn't DM wonderful"..essentially to try and solve the situation.
Frequently got totally smashed when out in pubs/restaurants. And I mean SMASHED and often not very nice with it either.
I regularly got smashed and again I mean SMASHED with both my DPs in pubs from around 14. I know nowadays that is totally not on but I am 39. I kind of think drinking with your parents was a bit more acceptable ( not saying it was right just that it was more common) then at the same time though, I really was drinking hard. I don't mean like I had 3 buds and got tipsy. I mean like wine and spirits for hours and throwing up. I think my DF saw me as a drinking buddy and not a daughter in a way.
Being young, dumb and very enmeshed I thought all this was great. No one else I knew would be allowed to go to the pub so often, let alone be able to afford to pay for all the drinks I was getting through. And here was my mum and dad buying me drink after drink, often night after night. I thought that was great at the time.
When I was 17 me and my DPs went on holiday and we got drunk every night minimum. We usually started drinking around noon. Again, I am talking hard drinking, not a couple of beers. One morning I got up and my Ps had all these bottles of spirits open in the little kitchen. They mixed me this huge, very strong cocktail and started shouting that I was boring when I didn't drink it. Eventually I just drank it. I think about that moment a lot now, I wish I hadn't done that.
The thing is, a week before that holiday I was having (one) glass of red wine at home and my mum went off on one about how I was an alcoholic. It's clear to me now that my Ps were fine with me drinking huge amounts with them and to keep my DF happy but if I had something alone I was then a problem. Not that it was ever suggested I seek help for this problem because a) that would be shameful and b) (unspoken) who would my dad drink with if I wasn't going to. I can see now that they didn't want me to stop drinking or control my drinking they wanted to be in control of my drinking. At the time I was just confused.
I'd say by 18 I was really hooked on drinking. I did seek help but got the response that hey it's what people your age do.
When I was 18/19 my DF turned very much against my drinking. I think because it mostly didn't involve him. He mocked me and put me down over it every chance he got, unless he wanted company drinking in which case he seemed to manage not to say anything about it.
A few years ago he had a health scare and managed to really cut down. He barely drinks now and only very weak beer. I am happy for him. However, at the same time his constant bitchy commentary about me drinking just got worse and worse and worse. It wound me up to be fair. Like he was complaining about something he had helped create. He's right, tbf, but I think it's a bit rich trying to stick his oar in now especially when he's not saying, "oh you need help", he's saying "I gave up, you drink loads, it's disgusting, you're a fucking alcoholic, have another drink why don't you"…just fuck off, man.
deep breath
So for the first time in my life really I am properly trying to cut down and hope to stop, that would be amazing. To that end it doesn't really matter how I got addicted. It doesn't matter if someone held me down and put a funnel in my mouth. I still have to give up in the same way.
I suppose I am just writing this down to get it out, as therapy. Also, I always had it drummed into me that I became an alcoholic and nothing could stop me drinking and I've done this to my family and so on and so forth.
Really, I think I was fed to a disease to make my parents lives together more tolerable. I know I can't throw a pity party for that and as I keep saying, the way out is still the same solution.
If you made it this far then thank you. If you have any experience of this kind of situation and have any advice then I'd really appreciate it.
I am already NC. I'm just having a tough time getting my mind straight.