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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really lonely in my marriage

15 replies

Fedduup32 · 01/08/2021 10:55

Been married for 10+ years. 2 kids together. I just feel really lonely. He never asks how I am and does nothing around the house. The children are my 100% responsibility, he never asks anything. I got back from my mums a few days ago and he knows what the relationship is like, he knows my mum is not interested in me or my kids. To be honest I think I’ve married a male version of my mum. He doesn’t show me any affection or love. I’m really lonely. I have no one in my life who cares about me. I wish I could leave this marriage but don’t know where to go. He could have just asked “how was things at your parents? Did kids have a good time?” Nothing at all not even how the journey was.

I’ve been comfort eating for a few years too so put on a bit of weight. I’m not comfortable in my skin. Surely life should not be this unhappy? I’ve never been happy, had a lonely abs sad childhood abs this has carried on in adulthood.

OP posts:

a8mint · 01/08/2021 18:45

Silly question but have you talked to him about how you feel, and in a non judgmental way about what you need from him?

girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 18:47

What's your communication generally like? Have you just fallen into this emotionless routine? Do you think it's worth trying to talk to him?

3scape · 01/08/2021 18:48

How easy do you find it to discuss your needs?

notanothernamechangemother · 01/08/2021 18:53

I feel the same about my marriage 😕 he never asks how I am. I often wonder if I had an accident if he would even notice or care Please look after yourself and give yourself the love and attention you deserve. It's hard, I know.

yellowrosette · 01/08/2021 19:00

Sometimes we end up in similar relationships... With similar people. It's what happens to those neglected, or abused or whatever. Subconsciously it feels familiar and therefore the brain thinks it's right - but now you realise, you want different. Time to set it straight with him, if he wasn't always like this, or find happiness elsewhere. It's good you're linking up your experiences. It's the start to change your expectations and your reality.

Coolhand2 · 01/08/2021 19:09

This sounds so lonely. I am curious to know what he says when you tell him what you need from him. Some people need things spelled out to them, you are supposed to ask how my visit went and if we enjoyed it. It's really wierd that he is not interested in anything you do.

Original poster

Fedduup32 · 01/08/2021 19:38

He’s always been like this. It’s not just me it’s his whole personality. I don’t think he cares about anyone, just himself.

I tried to calmly talk to him this morning but just ended in a fight snd he stormed out of the house with our only car (he does this often). There was no milk in house and no delivery Slots as I was going shopping later. so me and kids have just sat here waiting for him to return. He’s still not back and as usual is ignoring my calls. I really hate him. He’s never interested in me at all.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 01/08/2021 19:40

I believe life is what you make it. I think you should always be grateful for what you have but that doesn’t mean you should have to accept your life and not want any better for yourself.
If you are unhappy than chances are so is he. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Have you thought what it would be like to be single?
If you are alone anyway you might as well be living alone but you’ll get to make your own decisions in life which is very empowering.

Original poster

Fedduup32 · 01/08/2021 19:41

I’ve decided I’m going to start treating him less kindly and I’m not cooking food for him or cleaning and ironing his clothes, he can do it himself until he starts treating me nicely I won’t do anything for him. He’s totally unable to cook or even wash his clothes. I feel like his servant here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedduup32 · 01/08/2021 19:43

I think being alone isn’t an option right now as I work part time so don’t have enough money. It’s better being married to him till kids are older. I’ve discussed with my councellor in our sessions snd I don’t feel ready to leave right now.

OP posts:

rainbowfairydust · 01/08/2021 19:47

I don't think that method will help, it might make you feel temporarily better but if he stormed out leaving you all day without a car then I don't think he will change... And if he does, it will just be because he wants you washing his clothes and cooking... Not the right reason to change is it?
Storming out the house for that amount of time is childish.... It doesn't sound like he wants to make an effort or cares you feel this way.... I'd be looking to make an exit plan I'm afraid

thepeopleversuswork · 01/08/2021 19:54

@Fedduup32

In the kindest possible way, because I realise this isn't easy, you're kidding yourself if you think you'll be able to slog this out. It's clearly making you very unhappy and its not going to get any better. Also not sure how old your kids are but its unlikely to get easier as they get older. As a general rule, small children tend to adapt better to separation than older ones.

You work part time: can you not increase your hours in the short term? You do know, don't you, that if you divorce him you will be entitled to up to 50% of the value of the house you live in?

I don't want to make out like its easy but you can't spend another decade + soldiering away with someone who cares so little about you and your children. It's going to eat away at you and it sets a poor example to your children. You need to start formulating a plan to leave.

2Hot2Handle · 01/08/2021 20:14

I’ve been reading a book called “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” and it could be really useful for the stage you’re at right now.
An action plan sounds good, to start filling your life with things outside of your relationship. Is it a possibility that you get a full time job, or better paid one? Sorting yourself out financially will give you more options. A health and fitness plan could help to get you out the house more, she’d a couple of pounds, feel good about your appearance and make more connections.
You say the kids are 100% your responsibility, but unless it would be dangerous to leave them with him, you could start going to the gym, going out with friends and making more connections outside of your marriage and children, while he stays at home with them.
Either, absence will make the heart grow fonder and your new found confidence, appearance and activities, will get your DH’s attention, or you’ll start to need the relationship less and less and one day may be in a better position to break away from it. Either direction ends in a win-win scenario for you. That’s my advice. Involves work, but you can do it in bite-size stages to feel comfortable.

beigebrownblue · 01/08/2021 20:32

Please don't wait until kids are older.

Yes it is tough splitting up but being a single parent also tough but there is often a great sense of pride about it, whatever you do, you did it by yourself. (with help from school etc but you are in the driving seat.

I wouldn't change it now for anything. Don't even know if I'll meet someone in future and actually don't care.

It's just way better than living with someone with zero empathy. My DD aged nearly sixteen now floats in every now and then, says she loves me and asks me how I am. How it should be.

WhatAShilohPitt · 01/08/2021 23:23

I’d do the same, OP. Tell him his selfish behaviour towards you is entirely unacceptable and you refuse to be treated with such disdain so you’ll no longer be treating him as a partner. No more cooking for him and acting like a maid. Then make plans to get out.

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