AIBU To ask if you are living or have lived with a narcissist?

[Aprilsinparis]

I am married to a narcissist, it's not just a throw away remark everyone makes, but an honest to goodness narcissist.
He is controlling in every single way.
Anything that interferes with the smooth running of his life, is very much looked on, as the worst crime in the world.
I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago, and it's left me agoraphobic. According to him it's ruined HIS life, I'VE ruined his life.
He has no sympathy with my mental health at all.
He has control over all the finances, even my own money.
He says some really dreadful things to me, and when I pick him up on it, he totally denied he ever said it, and says I'm mental.
He picks on all my weaknesses, and seems to revel in my sadness when I cry.
He is such a charmer in front of people, they wouldn't believe half the things he does. He's told me, if I confide in anyone, who would they believe, me a mental drug addict, (I am on some pretty strong drugs due to my mental health) or him "Who is a damn good solicitor," and would do anything for anybody. I could recall so many other instances but it would take too long.
Before anybody asks, why do I stay with him?
I have agoraphobia, I can't even walk to the bottom of the drive. I am a mess and wouldn't last two minutes without him.
As I said, a narcissist through and through.

I haven't lived with one, but I have just ended a relationship with one (thread in Relationships with some amazing advice from other MNers, in case that helps anyone reading this).

They are truly, truly soul-destroying people. I'm lucky that I escaped fairly early on.

I'm so sorry you're at the point where it's so hard for you to leave. However, you say that you wouldn't last two minutes without him. You absolutely would, and I guarantee your mental health would improve. Do you have any kind of support network away from this arsehole?

Have you ever considered that you might be 'a mess' (your way of describing yourself, I wouldn't describe you this way) precisely because of the abuse he is subjecting you to on a daily basis? I think you might find that some of your problems melt away without this cruel man in your life. You managed without him before you met him. How was your mental health then?

Yes, I really believe I was. I left at the start of the year and haven't looked back. My mental issues have, unsurprisingly, disappeared.

Yes. Covert narcissist.

I thought I was going insane with th gaslighting etc.

Honestly believe I would have ended up institutionalised if I’d stayed.

Be warned OP the damage takes a while to heal. You’ll be much better once you’re out, but I am two years free now and still recovering.

I was with one for a long time. He was awful. Lied constantly and only ever told the truth if he was backed into a corner and he couldn’t possibly tell another lie then he’d cry whilst telling the truth. (Manipulation). Everything was my fault. The final straw was when I found out he was taking hard drugs. Crack and cocaine. After I kicked him out he wasn’t allowed to see our children as I had to inform the police. He wasn’t allowed to contact me either. He made lots of “anonymous” calls to social services then broke the restraining order three times and ended up in prison. Cried to his mum constantly about how he just wanted his children shite. This was to make me out to be the bad one. Fast forward 6 months he filed for a cao to see the kids. His mums gave him money for his solicitor for the first hearing and he spent it on drugs instead, represented himself and even though it was over the phone I could tell he was off his head. He made a complete twat of himself. He is now back in prison for doing the same things to his mum that he did to me.

Through all this my mental health plummeted but I will say with him out of my life for good I am 100% better than I was

Never lived with but i had a brief "romantic" brush with someone with covert narc traits, I dont think he's full NPD as i know that's rare. He sees offence in the most ridiculous things. Easily wounded, whilst doing full character assassinations on your character, sneer and laugh at you, picks on mannerisms and after you walk away, texted "hope you're home safe" like none of it happened.

Last thing he said to me was "dont you dare talk about me on social media"

Well fuck you cunt, i do what i like.

I cant imagine what it must be like to live with someone like this. You are stronger than what you think to endure this, you may be down but you're not out.

Not lived with but I was in a relationship with one and my mental health was so poor at the time, he made me feel like I was losing my mind and I didn’t even know who I was anymore because he would criticise EVERYTHING I did. He liked to play mind games a lot. Nothing I could do was right he would find a way to complain about whatever I did.
All my mental health issues got better as soon as I made the decision to never contact him again and it pushes me to do better for myself so I am never ever reliant on a man.

He knows your vulnerable and takes advantage of that. Get rid of him. Get some therapy. Revamp your lifestyle so it’s constructive to living healthily and try identify some small goals you want to work towards.

Yeah my mum. Have very little to do with her now. Sadly that means I hardly see my dad either.

Unfortunately I had kids with one and they now suffer because of his abusive behaviour. I left years ago but his treatment still impacts me even now.

I don’t think anyone who’s never encountered one has any idea!
I certainly didn’t. And it’s shocking
You do need to get away, you will die if you stay. Not by his hands, but probably by your own.

I was married to one. He literally drove me mad. I had multiple psychiatric hospital admissions and I nearly died. After I eventually left him my mental health improved surprisingly quickly. 6 years on and I haven’t been anywhere near a psych hospital since.

This is called coercive control, and gaslighting. I bet you didn't start off agoraphobic and on heavy medication. I'm so sorry. Look into ways you can get help.

Have you called women's aid?
Can you manage just one journey to escape to a safe place?

You need at the very least a telephone councillor asap. Can you organise a regular zoom session with anyone who you can talk to?

To answer your question yes I have been with a narcissist but he wasn't anywhere near as bad as yours and we were only together for three years.

He made my life a misery after a short while, but I got with him because he seemed so charming and exciting.

I spent 16 years with mine. I too felt like I was going mad. I because depressed, anxious and angry as I kept trying to convince myself it wasn't right. Eventually I left him and he got worse for about three years, made my life a mystery with lawyers and dragging out the divorce. I grey rocked him and then he started on my daughter. He nearly broke her. He's a terrible excuse of a human being. But we survived him!!!

Phone Women's Aid.

Yes, I have just escaped with my DD. I had too. It was almost exactly as you describe. I am aware I have also developed agoraphobia, it has crept up on me and I will do anything to not leave my new flat.

I was so confident and independant.

It is horrendous and I would have ended up in hospital and spent time in hospital a few yeaars ago. My DD made me leave, she gave me the push. We had to.

He is the closest to pure evil I have ever encountered.

He was vile to everyone though, waiters, homeless people, it went on and on. No empathy whatsoever. None.

Loved it (smiled) when me or my DD cried.

Don't get me started on the financial abuse.

We are slowly beginning to recover.

Best of luck OP, my heart really goes out to you. when so many postrss say 'narc' they really have no idea at all.

sorry for typos

Yep. My DF is a controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. He whittled away at any self-belief I had, would persistently gaslight me and push me away from people who I got close to and was absolutely the perfect, charming man in front of everyone else.
It's so hard but you need to get out from under their clutches.
I did - for a while but my DM is ill so now around him again and he is back to his old tricks. It's soul-destroying.
Walk away and don't look back.

I read these messages and am astounded at how many of us felt (or were) going mad, at their hands.

I though my narc was the kindest, most reliable and most decent man I'd ever met. Fifteen years later II was mentally on the edge, with the gaslighting and manipulation.
Couldn't think clearly, make any decisions.

It would have ended like a pp with psychiatric hospital admission, had he not ended things with me.

To everyone else he is the perfect father, member of the community etc. My DD still worships him - she is the golden child. DS is starting to see through him.

I hope those of us whose mental health has been impacted can slowly recover. I tried to remain amicable for the kids and now realise that was a mistake. Grey rock is the only way to go.