To miss my brother in law?

[allivia]

Almost 3 years ago my sister and BIL split up - together 11 years in total, married for only 2. Long story short but he discovered she had been having an affair. They have now both moved on with their lives. BIL stayed in touch with me, DP and DD for about 12 months or so before he slowly started to respond less to messages etc. Contact is very minimal now - DD will occasionally say he's messaged her to see how she is. DD is a teen now and was 2 years old when they first met - he was so good with her and an important male figure in her life - she still refers to him as "Uncle Jack" (not his real name).

I still have him on my friends list on FB and when I see his updates with his new partner (who he looks very happy with), I can't help but feel a pang of sadness as I just really miss him being a part of our family. It's been 3 years but I still feel that sadness at times. It might be because I had a baby recently and I wish he was a part of my new baby's life too, as he was so good with my eldest.

Part of me still feels annoyed at my sister as I see her as responsible for him not being in our lives anymore. But I know I need to get over that. Anyway I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just wondering if anyone has been through similar, ie losing an extended family member due to relationship breakdown. And do you think I'm being unreasonable for missing him still 3 years on? Tbh, he was honestly more like a brother to me than a BIL. I suppose that's why it's so hard

Babes, we all have people who ebb and flow in and out of our lives. Some we forget easily, others touch us in other ways (not necessarily physically hur hur).

But yeah your feelins are what they are. Nothing unreasonable about it. I have old friends I sometimes think about and wonder what they up to these days, so do most people. But it's about not overstepping the mark and knowing what's appropriate to do or not do.

I had a similar situation, the whole family miss exBIL. Everyone has moved on, Dsis and exBIL have married again and have new lives but I really miss the big brother type relationship we had.

It's really difficult when people break up and move on but it's doesn't mean you can't miss them or what they meant to you.

I was close friends with a couple (friend's partner of 23 years). Friend behaved terribly and I did my best to support the partner even inviting him to spend Christmas with us. Within a 6 weeks he had met someone else and it was full on, I was happy for him but my DH and I suggested not to rushing to anything serious as my friend had been his only relationship and he had spent a year saying he wanted to get back together.

New girlfriend took this as fighting talk became very frosty and he distanced himself - ignoring calls, making excuses not to meet up. We are now longer in contact. They married and moved away, it broke my heart that he could walk away without a backward glance after all those years. I know he needed to start a new life, and we (my family and I) are reminders of his old life.

Well he proved me wrong, years later he is still with the same woman. Facestalking him, he looks happy in his new life but it doesn't stop me missing when we were a gang of four having the best of times.
But I care more about him being happy in his new life than him being reminded of a hurtful time in my life.

OP its not iinevitable that you have to lose him because he and your sister broke up. Can you get in touch and tell him how much you and your DD miss him, and how you would like him to still be part of your lives? He may just assume that you have to drift apart.

If my partner and I split up I will miss his parents

When I left my exh all of our friends and family sided with him even though they knew he had cheated on me, hit me etc. Yet I was the bad bastard that left.

That was harder than the actual break up as we'd been together since we were teenagers and these people that I thought of as family all turned away after 16 years.

A couple of years ago my ex sil reached out and apologised for it and sends me messages etc. We will never ever be close again but it's nice to hear from her every so often.

Why don't you do that with your exbil? Just send a quick message then ball is in his court.

I get it, i know exactly what you mean and I’m in a similar situation. I miss my ex SIL (brothers ex wife). We are friends on Facebook and I love seeing her updates and pictures of her beautiful children but we live hundreds of miles apart so don’t get the chance to meet up. I feel so happy for her because she escaped my (horrible) brother and found someone who makes her happy and treats her properly but I really miss her!

Life certainly does ebb and flow and people come and go. I think it’s often easier for people to distance themselves from their old lives when they move on, especially when they’ve been treated badly.

I completely understand how you feel. I've been with DH for nearly 20 years and became very close to my SIL, who was married to one of DH's DBs. I would go as far as to say she became my 'best friend' over the years. We texted several times a day, spoke a couple of times a week and she would bring the kids down to stay with us for a couple of weeks a year and we would also visit them regularly (despite living more than 4 hours away). We had so much fun together, we supported each other through various life events and she would talk to me - at length - about the problems in her marriage.

I wasn't shocked when BIL and SIL split up, but I was sad as I knew it would be difficult to maintain the same level of friendship with her. From my end, I was determined to stay properly in touch and made every effort to do so. Sadly, her replies to my messages dwindled and she started taking longer to return my calls. She met a new man and I was really happy for her, but the final realisation that our friendship as I knew it was over, was when she had a Big White Wedding, and didn't invite me or our DC (I would never have expected her to invite my DH!)

I know it would have been a bit odd for the Bride to have her ex-SIL at her wedding, but I honestly thought our friendship was so strong that it almost wouldn't matter. But I was wrong, and in spite of feeling sad, I do understand.

@allivia, it's natural to miss someone who has been a big part of your life for a long time - especially when you have no control over them leaving your life. I don't think YABU to want to stay in touch, but the ball really is in his court and it looks as if he has chosen to move on, which I'm sure you can empathise with. WRT your anger towards your DSis, I think that as her ex-DH has moved on with someone new, you should really try to let this go. It was between them as a couple and although I appreciate your feelings towards her over this, I don't think it's your place to remain angry with her, it would be healthier for all of you if you could try to let it go. Easier said than done though, I know!

When DH's Sis split from her DH -my BIL - I found it really difficult to accept my DC's Uncle was no longer part of their lives. This was a man I had allowed to take my DC away camping with their cousins (his DC) and had been at all the significant family occasions throughout their lives.
In the bigger picture I know my/my DC's feelings are unimportant compared to those of my SIL. I also know ex-BIL could have kept in touch with us although SIL would have been deeply upset if he had. Still feels a bit wrong somehow.

YANBU to miss him, even if just for his role as an uncle. My uncle (dad's brother) and aunt divorced when I was young, and my aunt continued to be a part of our lives right up until her death in her 80s, long after her children became adults.

My sister and her husband have been separated for 25 years and we are still friendly with my BiL and we go to stay with him. We had already experienced other breaks up where our children had to get used to not seeing people they had become close to and we knew my BiL wasn’t at fault.

I would reach out and say you miss him. We did this with my BIL when he divorced my DH's sister. The divorce was very acrimonious and I know he felt awkward about this. At the same time DH's sister, who was causing most of the acrimony, felt that if we continued to speak to BIL then we were taking sides. We had to be very clear with both of them that we wanted a relationship with both of them and that we had no intention of being on anybody's side. We also refused to talk about each one to the other, BIL was glad and we continued to be close, he became known as the brother out law, which he loved. SIL found it harder to accept but did eventually. Your BIL might not realise you are missing him, or might simply feel awkward. Reach out to him and be totally open about your feelings. What's the worst that could happen?

YANBU and I think it would be fine to get in touch with your BiL and let him know you wish he was still part of your life. My DB and his partner split up years ago and each of them are now married to other people. My DCs still talk of Aunty X although it was years ago that they were together. Before covid, she would come and stay a couple of times a year whilst working in London. It has been a lovely way to maintain something of a relationship even though it's not the same.