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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - invite to daughters friends birthday.

19 replies

2021isnottheyear · 31/07/2021 13:05

Daughter is primary school aged. I just got a phone call in the last hour to from a school friends mum saying bring daughter as she is having a birthday party for her daughters birthday. I was a bit confused on the phone - now I have spoken to this mum a handful of times and been over her house once on after school play date ( in 4 years )
She did tell me when her daughters birthday was no mention of a party but like discussing the girls birthdays told me the date.
She said on the phone I don’t plan birthday parties I just tell them birthday dates and food friends show up knowing there would be cake. Then she started saying how her daughter wants my daughter to come so badly so just get dressed up and join. 😅 is this how birthday parties work, she is not letting it go and I feel dreadful because I mean we have other plans. She is saying we are All so close so just know to come over on birthdays - is this normal I mean the sad thing is that daughter doesn’t get invited to many birthdays ( only ever been to one birthday party in 8 years )

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 31/07/2021 13:07

If you want to go and are able to then go, if not, don't. She's possibly had a few people drop out at the last minute and is trying to make it a nice day for her daughter.

MrsEko · 31/07/2021 13:11

You know that it isn’t how birthdays work already. And that seems to be your question. ‘Is this normal’ and ‘is this how birthday’s work’.

No.

But it’s also completely fine to ask people to come to your house when it’s your child’s birthday. Not everyone does formal parties with invitations. Obviously you don’t have to go.

AlexaShutUp · 31/07/2021 13:13

Is there a cultural difference at work here, I wonder?

NeedNewKnees · 31/07/2021 13:13

Just tell her you already have plans. It would be rude to ditch existing plans for someone too flakey to invite people for a birthday party until the last minute.

Notaroadrunner · 31/07/2021 13:14

No it's not the norm where I am. Invites would be sent a week beforehand with date and time. She doesn't get to dictate that you bring your dd. If you have plans just tell her that and add that it's a shame she didn't give you more warning.

MagnoliaBeige · 31/07/2021 13:20

Definitely not the norm in the UK as far as I’m concerned, sounds like she’s had people drop out and is trying to backfill. Don’t feel obliged to go if you l’ve already got plans or don’t want to feel your daughter is a last minute fill-in Smile

ThePlantsitter · 31/07/2021 13:24

It's not normal, no, but it might be fine. If your daughter would enjoy it and you are free, you should go. There's nothing to lose. I understand the feeling of 'well if she's a second thought..' but the truth is not going for this reason is not going to help with this phenomenon whereas going might, and you might enjoy it. You don't have to marry them, just turn up to a party for a couple of hours.

Freddiefox · 31/07/2021 13:28

I think it depends on the family, normally no, but friends of ours are very spontaneous and would definitely do this.

We also had similar, were two sets of friends turned up at the same time with gifts, and I asked them to stay for cakes and drinks, and also called other mutual friends to see if they wanted to come round too.

All very chilled and no pressure though.

Original poster
2021isnottheyear · 31/07/2021 13:29

I just felt bad because she said “ it’s what friends do “ and was teller persistent but I we can’t because it’s such short notice.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 31/07/2021 13:29

Depends on the other plàns.

newnortherner111 · 31/07/2021 13:54

If people cannot be bothered to plan ahead and call, don't feel bad about saying no. It's not as if a birthday is unexpected.

Maggiesfarm · 31/07/2021 13:59

Take your daughter if she wants to go, it sounds as though it will be fun.

I think it is an unusual way to plan a birthday party but ,given that last year and this year so many plans have had to change, it doesn't surprise me.

You'll have two to three hours to yourself as well which is always a bonus.

WelshWhisky · 31/07/2021 14:17

It could very well be that she has had a few parents letting her know, at the last minute, that their DC can’t make it.

I’ve had several birthday parties when my DC were Primary School age when nobody has been invited. Instead I did a last minute party/BBQ/Got the swimming pool out….. and asked the parents of the children - that DC was playing with at that time - if their DC could stay for a couple of hours. Whether that was 2 children or eight. I made it clear that cards and presents were not required. Their presence to help DC celebrate was more than enough.

We live in a safe area which consists of only 2 small streets and a park at the end of both streets. Children always played out together. In fact, I never gave invitations to friends at school until they were in secondary school and had formed secure friendships.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/07/2021 14:25

I'd go if it could and the dc would enjoy it, but not worry at all if you are doing something else.

I think the emotional blackmail is cf territory. I wonder if they have had a lot of no shows, but then she should have been saying "Please can you come as a favour as my dc is upset".

Viviennemary · 31/07/2021 14:27

It all sounds very muddled. First she says she's having a party then she says she doesn't do birthday parties. Bit confusing to say the least. Do you mean she's asked you on the actual day.

EssentialHummus · 31/07/2021 14:31

If you’ve got other plans I’d proceed with those plans and try not to worry about her approach, but like PP it sounds to me like she’s planned something, people have dropped out and now she’s desperately ringing you. And lying a bit.

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 14:41

Not normal at all.

Invites are generally sent out or a text.

An hours notice is not the norm.

It sounds as if she has had last minute "can't make it" and is trying to increase her numbers.

Completely up to yourself.
Perfectly ok to say that you have plans, but thanks.

RampantIvy · 31/07/2021 18:23

She's possibly had a few people drop out at the last minute and is trying to make it a nice day for her daughter.

I suspect that there have been drop outs due to covid. DD had 4 not come to her 21st because one had been pinged and three had tested positive.

UserAtLarge · 31/07/2021 18:30

She might just be very disorganised. DS had a very close friend in primary school and his parents never let anyone know they'd planned a birthday party until a day or so in advance (DD ended up going to loads of his parties to make up the numbers!). After the first couple of years, we just made a note of when his birthday was so we could keep the day free.
Neither of his parents were from the UK originally, so it might be a cultural thing.

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