To not want friends’ second hand tatty clothes for kids

[IWannaGoToTheSpa]

Nothing against used items at all, in fact I’m looking at a used garden play house for DDs birthday. I’m talking about very well meaning friends who give me bags of their children’s used clothes.

Two different situations:
Firstly, I seem to have lots of friends who have older children than mine (I’ve had my kids a bit later in life than most and I have a toddler and a 6 month old) who ask me if I want a specific item, might be a baby sling or a snow suit for example. I say yes and suddenly I have 2-4 carrier bags full of old clothes including tatty shoes, knickers, vests etc. I have to go through it all, throw it out or take it to the charity shop myself.

Secondly, a very well meaning mum at DDs preschool who gives me her older kids’ grown out of uniform. Always tatty, ready for the bin.

We are by no means well off but can afford new uniform and clothes. I don’t like to see waste and so if there’s a good item I’d use I’d be grateful for it abs likewise I have given good items that are barely used away too.

So many friends do this to me because I’m the last to have kids I think and find I end up with bag upon bag of clothes I need to find time to get rid of.

I’m terrible at saying no as feel I’m hurting their feelings but also feel like I’m being used as an easy dumping ground. How do I say no without hurting anyone’s feelings?

P.S. school mum is quite pushy, I tried to say no once but was unsuccessful!!

You will have to grow a backbone, say no and mean it.

How do I say no without hurting anyone’s feelings?

'It's lovely of you to offer but we have too many clothes as it is and I just don't have room for these.'

Thanks so much but we really don't need it.

Repeat if necessary.

And - just don't physically take it!

I tried to say no once but was unsuccessful!!

What happened?

If you know certain people are likely to dump a load of crap on you then decline anything and avoid the risk.

If someone’s trying to give you stuff you don’t want just say no thank you, we don’t have space to store it or no thank you we don’t need it. Repeat as needed.

Just say no. They'd have to be pretty sensitive if someone politely declining a bag of clothes would hurt their feelings!

It's a lot easier for me to throw stuff out or give to charity. I have a friend I save stuff up for, wash it and sort it, and then have to store it somewhere until I can see her (not local). If she didn't want the stuff I'd much rather she said "oh I'm getting so much stuff from I really can't use any more". My feelings would not be hurt at all. (If she said "your stuff is tatty" they definitely would be!) I can't understand anyone passing on used underwear though.

I tried to say no once but was unsuccessful!!
If someone is rude enough to ignore you saying no, then you need to be a bit rude back in insisting you don't want it.

"No thank you we're inundated with clothes"

@Pastrydame I think this is the difference - the used underwear bag looked like she just couldn’t be arsed doing all the prep you kindly do, chucked everything in a bag and dropped it off at mine - easier than sorting, washing, going in to a town, parking, taking into a shop. Literally dumped it all in a big bag and parked on my drive with it!

How were you unsuccessful at saying no??

Practise your sentence! "No thank you, we already have loads of clothes that have been passed on to us." Turn away. The end.

As someone else said, then physically do not open your arms to take them!

Please tell us what happened during your unsuccessful refusal .

I’m terrible at saying no

Practise say 'thank you so much, so kind of you but we really are bursting at the seams and have no space for anything else. '

Tinkly laugh, I know, I really must do a clear out myself and soon

And make sure you do not end up holding the bags. When you get clear yourself that they are using you to clear out, it will get easier.

@AnneLovesGilbert
I said, ah no thanks, that’s really kind, but we have her uniform sorted”. She said, “oh no no no, you need spares, they’ll get a load of crap all down it and you’ll be glad of it, take it” and shoved it under the buggy.

I do agree we need spares but it’s always scruffy old cardigans with buttons missing. I just throw it away. Do you think I should just keep saying thanks, keep throwing it away, no harm done? Or grow a back bone and say no to this woman repeatedly?!

Don’t say yes to the snowsuit or sling or anything else going forward.

I solved this by saying is it ok to go through and choose what I need and then take what I don't want to the recycle bins. They then wanted the rest back to give to someone else needy.

Preschool uniform give to preschool for spares. They also take underwear / socks but only in good condition.

"No thank you, we have plenty. Try the school - they're always grateful for spares."

Or grow a back bone

Well, it’s up to you, clearly. I would say no to taking on other people’s crappy clothes.

There are some places that pay for clothing by weight. Make some money from it

It’s annoying when people dump stuff on you without even asking beforehand.
You just know how offended they’ll look too if you say no. I find people like that exhausting.

I said, ah no thanks, that’s really kind, but we have her uniform sorted”. She said, “oh no no no, you need spares, they’ll get a load of crap all down it and you’ll be glad of it, take it” and shoved it under the buggy

Your response to that is:

No really we’re fine for everything but thanks anyway as you hand the bag back to her!

You may also get:

Oh, well look through it and take what you want. You can pass on anything you won’t use.

Same answer as above.

Definitely say no thanks to even offers of single items because that’s clearly just giving them the opportunity to offload piles of crap on you. You have to keep politely repeating that you don’t need the stuff.

I said, ah no thanks, that’s really kind, but we have her uniform sorted”. She said, “oh no no no, you need spares, they’ll get a load of crap all down it and you’ll be glad of it, take it” and shoved it under the buggy.

She proves my point nicely

Exhausting!

It is easier for them to drop at yours.

They are using you as a dumping ground.

Years ago my neighbours daughter called to the door with a car load of huge toys for my daughter.
Big pram, kitchen, doll swings, unbelievable amount of stuff.
I was stunned as she's not a friend.
I hadn't a notion of accepting it, particularly as my girls never played with dolls.
She was a bit suprised that I was saying No thanks. The toys were in excellent condition, but I didn't want them.
She became a bit pushy and I got irritated and said that she needed to give it to HER friends or a charity and closed the door.

She clearly just wanted rid of them.

I met her mother and said how bizarre I found it that she would think it a good idea to turn up on someone's door to DUMP a car load of toys. I made it very clear I was not impressed with her insistence.

If she had accepted my no thanks, it would have been absolutely fine, but her insistence really pissed me off.

She looked embarrassed the next time I saw her, when I gave her a curt nod.

This reminds me that I have joked with close friends a couple of times by saying I have done a huge clearout of clothes and toys and will drop it off to them!

Most people are trying to get rid of toys when they have several children not take random loads from people adding to their load.

People feel guilty about throwing clothes away. If they give them to you, is assuages their guilt.

Unfortunately I’ve not developed a back bone over it but I have a friend who does this and I feel like I’m just the person doing her dump run as in two bin bags of stuff there will be two or three bits that I can use

Well the buggy woman does indeed sound pushy!

I get that you were probably taken by surprise. But forewarned is forearmed!

If something like that happens again, take bag out, put it in her arms, or her buggy and say something like "no, really, I don't want it. Thank you for the thought though." Think of her as a stubborn toddler .

And the woman who dropped it on your driveway. Assuming you had already declined the offer, drive it round to hers and leave it on her doorstep reiterating that you don't want it. Act like you are doing her a favour just like she was to you .

These people will soon learn that you are not to be messed with!