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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lack of effort on special occasions

10 replies

LittleFroggie · 31/07/2021 09:25

AIBU in expecting some care, thought and attention on special occasions? My DH just doesn’t seem to get it. He’s an amazing husband in every other way and yet it comes to my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine’s, Mother’s Day, celebrating a promotion.. any special occasion - he couldn’t care less. I get absolute bare minimum effort. He will buy me a gift if I tell him exactly what I expect and he will tell me how much it costs and expect the exact same amount spent on his birthday back. No suprise, no thought, nothing. I don’t feel valued and I’m not sure if that’s a bit unreasonable because he’s wonderful all other days of the year. Is this common? If I ask friends in our social circles, their partners all seem to make a fuss of them. I have in the past made a big fuss of him on his special days and to be honest I now can’t be bothered. How sad!!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 31/07/2021 09:32

I’m assuming he’s always been this way? I’d take wonderful all other days of the year any day.
(Though I’m not the least bothered by birthdays, anniversaries etc. increasingly so so the older I get)

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2021 09:55

I’d celebrate a promotion with DH, mother/fathers day are for the children to do not spouses and we don’t really do adult birthdays other than a card/gift as only see them as special for the children.

Being valued for me doesn’t equal the fuss made on one or two days, it’s about daily life.

Lockheart · 31/07/2021 09:56

You need to tell him this, not MN. If that's how it's always been and you've never complained then he probably thinks you're fine with it.

5togo · 31/07/2021 09:58

Are you sure he’s absolutely wonderful on every other day of the year? That doesn’t add up sorry.

topcat2014 · 31/07/2021 10:00

It's my 50th this year - and I am not really looking forward to it.

We don't do over much on birthdays.

Having said that it is a mutual thing, rather than one imposing on the other.

NuffSaidSam · 31/07/2021 10:00

If he's always been like this then I think YAB a bit U. You knew what you were getting into.

Have you told him how it upsets you?

I think if it's something really important to you then he could make an effort to do something even if he doesn't care about those days himself.

If you haven't spoken to him about it then YABU.

girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 10:08

Does he buy spontaneous gifts/take you out for lunch randomly etc?

LittleFroggie · 31/07/2021 10:09

Yes he’s a brilliant husband and father. Works hard, pulls his weight around the house, loves and cherishes us all. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better husband - he’s my best friend. Then a special occasion happens and… nothing. I have spoken to him about it, yes. He says he will make more effort next time. What he means is asking me exactly what I want him to buy for my present and handing that to me. If I asked for something expensive I’m sure he’d buy it, but that’s not really solving the issue. I want some thought and effort?! He doesn’t seem to get it really. He seems genuinely sad today that I’m not happy and has asked me exactly what I want. I’ve told him for my next birthday I want a suprise night away somewhere . He said he’ll book it tonight - see what happens with that. I’m not sure why he can’t be more thoughtful really.

OP posts:
LittleFroggie · 31/07/2021 10:10

@girlmom21 no spontaneous gifts. If I tell him I want to go somewhere, he’ll book it. I have to tell him though - no thought from him.

OP posts:
SpnBaby1967 · 31/07/2021 10:11

My DH can be like this. He's amazing the rest of the year, really takes care of me and the kids, excellent provider, hard working, kind, thoughtful.

His problem is he forgets to plan for these events, it's like they take him by surprise every year Grin

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