Are men actually less sensitive or just scared?

[Deckchair1009]

My mother has just had a knee replacement surgery and was very anxious and worried prior to getting it. I called my father when I felt it was about time they’d have had some news. He said he’d wait until until they called him. He sent me the details for the ward and they reassured me for calling back later, visiting allowances etc. My mum msged me to say she was fine and we had a chat. I then spoke to my dad later and he was quite reluctant to book an early visit to see her (she can have one visitor per day for an hour or two 1200-2000hrs) he said he’d see her later “to break up the day” like 5pm, I said that’s unacceptable as she’s been in her own all this time since her op. He suggested I see her on Sunday, even though she’ll stay with me when she’s allowed out on Monday, I said great, but he’ll have to babysit my kids - he said ok but Only after 5pm!!! He’s meant to be retired, has lots of work since he’s retired and had fallen out several times with my mum since his “retirement” as he’s now working all the time and doesn’t seem to give a hoot about family or spending family time. He generally winds my kids up even though he was a fun dad but also a wind up merchant. He puts earning money before family it seems. Even though he’s capable, I’ve insisted mum stays with me when she gets discharged.

A few years ago, I was pregnant with a not walking still breastfeeding baby. my husband was 5 hours away with our car. I was struck with terrible norovirus. I called him. He said he’d come home. He then had a bonfire and a few naps on the way home. Maybe he arrived 10 hours later. I’ll never forget my poor baby’s face and my fear as he watched me puking on the stairs as I didn’t make the bathroom. Luckily he was still breastfeeding as I squeezed a frube down his mouth earlier for “dinner”: husband said he didn’t think it was that serious. I’ve never let him forget it, I think he gets it. But my dad has really made me so annoyed that he could be so insensitive and not get any idea about priorities.
Am I the only one wondering if this isn’t any normal and these men need to step up their game?

What does your mum want?

Since they’ve retired, more time together. He had a part time business that’s taken off and since he retired from a corporate job, just wants to be off for 7 days a week odd jobbing. This op was scheduled for a long time. He’d rather be mowing Mrs Smith’s lawn than spending time with family, grandkids or having a hobby it seems.

I think that some men are like this.

I think that most aren't.

The problem here is your dad, not the fact he's male iyswim.

I don't think either example is normal at all.

Both are pretty shitty behaviour.

'He’d rather be mowing Mrs Smith’s lawn than spending time with family, grandkids or having a hobby it seems.'

Sorry OP but he's a total sod.

I don’t think your thread is or should be about men, it’s your dad who is the problem.

I have a father, father in law (late 70s) and husband and none of them are like this. They are the complete opposite

@Deckchair1009

I want to start by saying that I’m a guy and I’m not here to defend anything.

But what is your dad supposed to do in the hospital, exactly?

Not as in, “how is he meant to be entertained”, but it’s routine surgery and it sounds like he was told that the doctor would contact him when there was an update. What would the point of pressing for that earlier accomplish?

I haven’t been admitted to a hospital since I was a child, but when I’ve fallen while climbing or some similar injury that doesn’t need treatment, I want to be left alone. Yes, touch base with me to make sure I’m still alive once in a while, but otherwise just let me mend. Is your dad of a similar mindset?

As to spending family time, it’s all well and good to visit of course, and being the awesome (in his case) granddad for an afternoon is fun, but spending excessive or frequent amounts of time with the same people once you’ve run out of things to talk about and can practically predict what they’re going to say/do/wear gets old sometimes.

You say he’s been working since his retirement... so he’s found something interesting to do that gives him purpose... if he’s the singleminded type maybe that’s getting disproportionately weighted in his mind. You know him best, does any of this ring true?

Other than a vague “spend time with family”, what does your mom actually want? Specifically? I know I do better with concrete events than more ephemeral ideas.

To reiterate, I’m not defending anything he may have done or not done. But it sounds like he’s really enjoying his life right now.

Everybody is different I'm male my mum was as hard as nails about illness . Always sent to school with they'll send you home if it's that bad.

I struggle will ill people exceptions and drama . When I'm ill all i want is to be left alone not fussed over or constantly asked if I'm alright .

I'm not following very well.
My contrast is that my dad is increasingly anxious since about age 68, so last 10 yrs.
I find it exhausting.

I Miss my previously laid-back easy-come-easy-go dad.
Be careful what you wish for.

Again, what does your mum want? You've used her as an example to highlight his behaviour, but not once mentioned her feelings or wants.

Im not defending him, on the face of it his behaviour seems pretty rubbish. Theres just another side to this which you havent touched on at all.

He’d rather be mowing Mrs Smith’s lawn than spending time with family, grandkids or having a hobby it seems.

Maybe this is his hobby? And after retiring from a corporate desk job he likes the practicality of it?
Has your mum retired too now?
And what do you/your mum mean by spending time with family? Is he to babysit, do what they want?
If he he wanted to go out walking in the woods or camping would that be something she'd want to do, or is it he fits into what others want?

I'm struggling to see what the problem with your dad visiting your mum at 5pm is? Or why the time of his visit is up to you.

Obviously the woods/camping is just an .example given the recent knee surgery!