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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents being unfair

23 replies

Seeyouontheflipside · 31/07/2021 01:49

I have completely lost all hope with my parents.

My sibling has a few young children who my parents are expected to look after, they live over 2 hours away, which my parents drive there and back to each week staying most of the weekdays to help out with kids. Sister and BIL work so I could understand this arrangement if they lived local. Its been made very clear they could afford the childcare but choose grandparents for the quality time and bonus, it's completely free!

I also live 2 hours away from parents but never get a look in because I am a SAHM, so therefore don't need any help.
From my side its not about helping with childcare as I don't go out to work, I do understand they need childcare and I don't but we never see them unless we make the trip to them on the days they are home. They don't spilt their time equally, knowing this they do not see any problem.

My parents are very negative people in general, always have such a weird reaction to things in our lives, basically not interested unless it's to do with my sister and her family. Their retirement is none existent due to this and they do nothing but moan when we did speak whilst they were there. I feel now after trying to bring up the situation its escalated to the point where noone will talk to me. I tried to explain how I feel but they have turned their backs on me and haven't made any contact in over 2 months to even ask about DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 02:01

Has your sister always been the golden child?

Original poster

Seeyouontheflipside · 31/07/2021 02:07

@Aquamarine1029

Has your sister always been the golden child?

Yes, without a doubt. We all love her to bits but she has done everything 'the right way' in life, not her fault but made the rest of us look like rubbish children to our parents

OP posts:

Mediumred · 31/07/2021 02:08

YANBU!!! This sounds a really dysfunctional dynamic, no wonder you got fed up and good of you to voice it. I would start to create a support network outside your family, what about in-laws, friends or paid help. It’s extremely disappointing that your parents aren’t more interested in you and your child but it is their absolutely their loss.

sst1234 · 31/07/2021 02:13

Is it your perception that they are negative because of how you feel about them devoting their time to childcare? There are two sides to every story. As for the time they spend on childcare, you need to let it go. It’s their choice how they choose to spend their retirement.

Italiangreyhound · 31/07/2021 02:58

It's really sad and unfortunate but they do not sound very nice and I would say, much as it must be hard, that not seeing them is better. Your sister and BIL are using them for free child care and your parents don't seem to mind that they don't get to see much of you.

It is their choice how they spend their retirement and it is your choice what you focus on. Focus on things that bring you joy.

It is their loss.

Pixxie7 · 31/07/2021 04:50

Have you spoken to them and told them how you feel time passes quickly and they may not be aware how they are coming across to you. Invite them round for a meal or something sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

GreenWasabi · 31/07/2021 07:06

Do you really need their negativity in your life? Can you appreciate actually not having to put up with that draining attitude? It's doubtful you will change this situation as they have made it abundantly clear what they want yo do and are adults so can so what they want. Try to embrace the freedom of not having them in your life and focus on friendships ?

GreatAuntEmily · 31/07/2021 07:12

They will honestly most likely continue the golden child favouritism with the DGCs - you are better out of it. You don't want your DC either the golden child or the inferior one. Your sis probably won't notice it happening as she is the favourite.
It's unfair that your 'lovely' sister gets the childcare but I would avoid this unpleasant dynamic.

Saidtoomuch · 31/07/2021 07:18

You and your children rarely see them and are probably better off for it. When you say how negative they are, imagine having that in your home week in, week out.
No, you aren't being unreasonable. You've told them how you feel and they've reacted by sulking, probably the silent treatment to punish you. Concentrate just on your own little family and stuff them.

happinessischocolate · 31/07/2021 08:39

How many siblings do you have? I assume from your 2nd post it's not just you and your sister. How do your other siblings cope with your parents prioritising dsis?

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 09:40

It's totally unfair. Your sister is having a huge boost financially if she can work for a start AND pay no childcare.

Your parents should be ashamed not to share the help between the 2 of you. I never understand these people who don't treat their kids equally.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 09:44

Actually I’m on the fence here, I can see why they are doing child care for her, they both work, and having them stay I assume is no walk in the park. As you don’t work it’s logical they aren’t going to do the same for you.

imacuddler · 31/07/2021 09:49

Putting the childcare to one side it's unfair the way they are making you feel and that you have to drive to see them. Also you may want a night out with your partner/friends now and again so they could offer to come to you and babysit for that.
My ex dp parents used to drive past our road to visit his brothers house lots and never pop into us.
We just weren't favoured. It was horrible.
They even dropped off our DS Christmas presents at the other house - terrible grandparents.
It's not fair on you and your dc as they are making you feel inferior.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2021 09:52

@Bluntness100

Me too, a SAHP doesn’t need childcare as the whole point is that the want to do the parenting themselves. Therefore they are helping their child that works.

Chloemol · 31/07/2021 10:05

@Bluntness100 @IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You are not reading the post, just seeing the sister works= childcare needed

Actually the sister could afford childcare, all the op wants is some quality time for her child with the grandparents, and in my opinion that’s only fair, otherwise they are showing favouritism to her sisters children, they don’t seem to want a relationship with ops children.

What will happen if the op goes back to work?

CarnationCat · 31/07/2021 10:10

I would step back from your parents and sister. Reduce the contact. They don't seem to care about you much at all. I'm sorry that they're treating you like this. I know how hard it is. You want support and they're not giving it. Enjoy your children and create a support network with friends and other people you love.

Notonthestairs · 31/07/2021 10:11

It is not about childcare, it's about being detached and disinterested in their other grandchildren's lives.

Phineyj · 31/07/2021 10:11

They all sound kind of awful so you're probably best off out of it! Are your PIL any nicer?

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:15

Me too, a SAHP doesn’t need childcare as the whole point is that the want to do the parenting themselves. Therefore they are helping their child that works.

or maybe they can't work because they haven't got any help?

The sister works, so earns enough money, therefore could afford childcare.
The SAHM doesn't work, so can't afford childcare. Surely she is the one who needs help...

Whichever you look at it, it's completely unfair.
(but please don't say that working parents don't do the parenting themselves. It's not true. If you pay a babysitter, you don't pay them to parent )

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2021 10:24

The SAHM doesn't work, so can't afford childcare. Surely she is the one who needs help

With what if they have no job? If they return to work then there is a salary so childcare can be paid for just like any other working parent.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:37

With what if they have no job?
are you actually asking why a mother could need help? Seriously?

If they return to work then there is a salary so childcare can be paid for just like any other working parent.
that's what I said, the sister doesn't need more help than the OP. She needs less if nothing else.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 31/07/2021 10:43

Have you considered telling your parents that you're heading back to work and are now looking forward to them doing X number of years of free childcare for you as they have done for your Dsis and see what they say, I think that could be quite telling.

However, the best thing (in my opinion) is that with the current set up, you won't have to care for them in their dotage.

Caring can be a full time job and it's unlikely that one or both of them won't need some assistance later in in life.

Your DSis and her DC will obviously be front and centre for that as they reaped the benefits of their care and will have built a stronger relationship.

You/your DC can visit them a couple of times a year guilt free as they've set that as the parameters of your relationship.

My PIL have just started to need more care and having rejected my DH and DC for years, they continue to do so in favour of asking SIL and her DC to run around after them, stating they gave her over 15yrs of support and now they're expecting that back.

SIL wasn't expecting that, but how can she argue? All the time she spent on childfree holidays (which we never got) and no childcare-wrangling whilst working (as we had to do) and she's now having to juggle work and her parents care as a quid pro quo.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:45

However, the best thing (in my opinion) is that with the current set up, you won't have to care for them in their dotage.

sadly, unless the OP is very firm and put foot down, I bet she'll be the one stuck with everything.
The CF sister having all the free help and taking her parents away from other siblings is unlikely to bother giving up her precious time is she?

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