To call the police on 17 DD for being uncontactable?

[WhenItsNotANormalTeen]

I'll start by giving the context of DD (17) has had serious MH problems for the last year and a half. Multiple suicide attempts and very emotionally unstable (recently diagnosed with a connected personality disorder). Has got better and better compared to last year but not out of the woods.

Just over a week and a half ago I overheard a conversation with a friend that indicated she was seeing a new boy. A few days later, told me about him and started hanging out. For the last week they have been together 24/7.

Started last Fri, one night at his turned into two (she came back on Sun for the afternoon as it was a family members bday, but he came with to buy pressies etc and she was only with us on her own for a few hours to visit them back out again).

He came round one day last week and stayed over, but she's been at the other parents house since. She's been back now and then to collect meds as they are in a lockbox and I need to give them daily.

Spoke to her on FaceTime yesterday. Wanted her to take a break and just spend some time at home with family. Had a call from her friend before as she was meant to meet her - mentioned it to DD and she had lost track of the days. Said BFs Mum had planned a play area thing with them all (nieces and BFs younger sisters) so could she stay one more night and come home after that. Had what I thought was a heart to heart, fully appreciate this is all new and you're enjoying it, but we miss you and want to see you.

Today messages aren't being delivered. Not even a call and I assume the play area is closed by now! She doesn't have meds, and while the odd day missed won't hurt I find it unacceptable not to know where she is.

I have a court order to say she lives here until 18 due to her mental health. I've left a serious of messages - first to get in contact, then an I'm really worried - no meds etc - and finally a "If I don't hear from you tomorrow I'll be calling the police for a welfare check".

I've also contacted the two friends she's most in contact with. One knows this boy and has said she'll send him a message to say her phone is dead, please can she get in contact (about half an hour ago, nothing from that yet).

I feel like I've given plenty of fair warning for a nearly adult and fully intend to involve the police tomorrow. This will also trigger social service involvement who had very nearly signed her off (currently a supervision order) and I'm just loathe to do it. Especially putting her through the embarrassment of police turning up at BF door. However, I also need to know what is happening for her, and if she's OK.

AIBU?

*series of messages, but Freudian slip, feels serious!

Boy is from college - which I'd had doubts about - but the friend I contacted confirmed hence being able to message for me

Do you know the address?

She's with her bf so presumably safe? I'd see what tomorrow brings personally.

There's not long left before she's 18. I think you need to handle this carefully.

YANBU to be concerned but I think you should go to the boyfriend’s house first before involving the police.

Yes yabu to involve the police. She will be humiliated and even less likely to want to spend time with you?

Thanks all!

I would go to the address if I knew it - I know a rough area, but it's all happened so fast I hadn't taken detailed contact info (lesson learnt).

That's the thing - I feel like I'm overreacting calling the police (and worry it would damage our relationship), but I've had to do it in the last 6 months after she was late home from college, and she was thankful as she was having a panic attack at the train station and the transport police picked her up! She's also under a supervision order for good reason (judges don't agree to them over 16 without good reason) so I feel I need to tread carefully between prioritising her mental health / safety, and not mortifying her / giving her her freedom.

She absolutely needs her meds and if it gets too late tomorrow I don't know if I can just sit here knowing she hasn't got them. She KNOWS this.

Urgh. It sucks.

Is she on Facebook or anything similar? Would it be worth trying on that? But yes if she's not responding, you have no option. She's not an adult yet and you have a responsibility to keep her safe. Maybe she needs that Ss involvement if she's not being accountable. You know nothing about these people. You need reassurance that she's safe.

I think calling the Police is a little drastic when you do pretty much know where she is.

If you had no idea where she was Police involvement would be appropriate but you know she's at her boyfriend's house and you have had contact from her during the week.

I think I would go to the boyfriend's house to see her. I'd take the medication with me and use that as the reason for going round.

She's nearly an adult so I think you need to be careful about not pushing her further away so that you can maintain contact and hopefully a good relationship even after she turns 18.

It's OK! Panic over!

Just came in the door (boy in tow). Said "I'm soooo sorry, phone has been dead all day".

I apologised to them both for being all worried and uppity (though her phone is still dead so she hasn't seen the msgs ). BF said it's fine, his mum is worse.

There's a debate on if BF will stay here or not tonight (not sure if it's he wants a break from her or if he doesn't want to impose!) but she's here tonight.

No police need (thank god).

Glad she’s back ok OP

Tread carefully, I've been there. Too protective and they push you away even though you do know best! At 17 she could go to court and get a protection order overturned if she can prove she's now competent.

Another warning, if/when the relationship with boyfriend fails it might be pretty hairy for a bit - put it this way, I got a Christmas card from our neighbour police team! The only reason dd wasn't sectioned was the lack of beds

Oh good. What a relief for you.

So glad that had a happy ending

@gogohm

Tread carefully, I've been there. Too protective and they push you away even though you do know best! At 17 she could go to court and get a protection order overturned if she can prove she's now competent.

Another warning, if/when the relationship with boyfriend fails it might be pretty hairy for a bit - put it this way, I got a Christmas card from our neighbour police team! The only reason dd wasn't sectioned was the lack of beds

Argh, yup I can see this coming next! I'm really happy she's happy (and he seems nice) but it's so intense now that when it falls through things with def be rough. She's had a couple of stays inpatient because things can get so tough for her (and even then managed to OD!).

I should probably relax and enjoy this bit tbh!! I'm so used to being on 24/7 guard for her it's hard to let go.

Thank you for those saying they are happy for us!

She's completely gets it and we're laughing about it now (with some digs from me). She knows I worry like heck about her and love her so freaking much. We've been through hell and back together.

I'll sit down and talk to her about timelines on when I would call them, the importance on just touching base etc (so I don't have an early heart attack). If I can get her on her own

Tell her in future you need address and contact number of home she's staying in

@justasking111

Tell her in future you need address and contact number of home she's staying in

Yup, 100% (and will learn that for my younger two as well!)

I wouldn't but it is understandable why you are worried if she is struggling mentally there is a lot to lose for her if it breaks down.
Try being positive about the relationship tell her that you're happy for her etc.
Don't try clinging to the negatives.
Honey catches more flies than vinegar.
Keep conversation open and positive, ask for boyfriends number in case of emergency.

I think you should probably let the bf stay as it's a bit late re him going home now obvs call his parents and they can decide first whether to pick him up before you offer that he stays

Thank you! Yup I have tried to keep it all positive, and she's the most stable I've seen her in a long time which can only be good. I'll get BFs number (and parents too if possible, I think it's time we meet each other as looks like this is sticking!) but only for emergencies.

He's more than welcome to stay here, which I've made clear - I expect he will (I do miss having her to myself though )

(the debate wasn't from me - I had the same thought, it's late so better - was him that looked like he wasn't sure when DD mentioned it! Felt like he felt he might have to get back home. I said to go and talk about it but I'm happy either way!)

I think I'll bring up me going round to meet the other parents. I'll then get a sense of where she's staying, and can potentially take a weeks supply of meds to get them to keep there potentially if they are willing to lock box them and supervise her taking them (she has a history of stockpiling if she's not watched when taking them). She's missed a few nights doing it over FaceTime in the week which has played into my worrying.

Just happened really suddenly and hadn't really safety planned any of this! As last BF always stayed here and only a couple of times a week. But I guess that's part of the learning curve with teens (esp those with needs which are a bit trickier).

Thank you so much to everyone for sitting with me for a bit!

And to round up the story, boy is staying here tonight, but then DD will be home alone with us for the day to have a proper catch up with me and her younger sisters and new safety planning in place!

You sound like a great parent it is very difficult to balance, the positive attitude towards her new relationship will keep communication open.