To not want friend to bring her rude, toxic bf to my party!!

[Runhome]

AIBU to not want a friend to bring her toxic boyfriend to my party?

Everytime I host an event I invite said friend, an invite just for her. She ALWAYS at some point sneaks in an excuse to bring her boyfriend along. She sometimes asks, and other times will say things like "Boyfriend asked me on a date night that night, so I counter offered we come to your party together."
He is a horrible boyfriend to her, and everytime she comes to me and our other friends telling us about their very clearly toxic and emotionally abusive, then expects us to love him when they make up or go through a (rare) better phase.

Anyway, the last party she brought him to he completely ruined the night. I can't go into details because it's outting, but he basically flirted openly with another of her friends, then denied what had happened despite 12 of us having witnessed his actions. Called her oversentive, hormonal and crazy and tried to coax all of us to join in in isolating her. They openly had a screaming match then left to where they had a room booked just down the road.
She came around the next morning crying saying he kicked her out of the place at 4am in the morning.

I have tried to support her, talk to her, council her, explain how the relationship looks from the outside. I've tried putting her in touch with Womens Aid etc. She is completely in denial and I feel if I push my feelings towards her too much she will distance herself and be all the more isolated and vulnerable.

But my point now is, I'm hosting a party, have invited the same old lovely bunch including her, and I'm already anticipating that she will make some excuse to bring him. I don't want him to come, neither do any of our friends.

AIBU and how can I deal with this impending dilemma without damaging my friendship with her?

If this was my friend, I would just be honest. Tell her I love her and she is always welcome but she knows my feelings towards her partner and he isn’t invited. Maybe it will be the jolt she needs to realise he’s not good for her? You shouldn’t have to put lots of effort into hosting someone toxic. Your only other option is to stop inviting your friend places, or only invite her to “girls” nights where she absolutely couldn’t bring him.

Have you explicitly stated he is not welcome when inviting her previously? If not, I’d try that.

Just say no, you don't want him there. If that's means she doesn't come then that's her decision to make.

Invite her but when you do lie and say ladies only.

If she still tries to bring him just say "no problem. It's prob best for you guys to go do your own thing amd have a nice night just the two of you"

Tell her he's not invited because you find it difficult to witness his teattish behaviour towards her.
Also tell her to tell him that it's ladies only if you think he is the one insisting that she brings him.

It sounds like he was hoping to create a situation where her friends say something bad about him so that he can swoop in and say "see, I told you your friends don't like me, do you really need people like that around". It's a big red flag for him trying to isolate her and cut off her friendship networks.

YANBU at all to not want him around though and you're a good friend for being mindful of how abusive men work.

Could you say that the party is friends only, not friends and partners (with the logic being that you are actually friends with other people's partners)? Or maybe say the invite is just for her because his conduct last time wasn't appropriate/it was disruptive/you weren't happy having someone who behaves like that in your house/any reason other than 'because he is clearly an abusive wanker and none of us like him'.

I suspect he is controlling and doesn't want her out without him.
If you ban him then you won't see her...

@Dogoodfeelgood thank you. I feel like, exactly that, I just need to be honest. I just needed to hear it reaffirmed that it's the right thing to do!

@lemonLymanDotCom no I haven't. In the past I've always been afraid this would push her away and isolate her more. But I agree I think its come to the point where I need to gently be honest about it.

@LolaSmiles you have literally hit the nail on the head! A few days after that night she actually started to try to turn the fault of the night onto some of our other friends, but I could tell it was him getting into her head trying to pull her away from her friends, and so I called her straight out on that. I think your right, for this party if she tries to get him to come I should tell her I love her to bits but the invite is for her only - he sadly caused too much disruption last time and I just want a lovely night with my dearest friends and people I love.

I will keep you guys updated as and when it happens. I know in my gut she will ask, so fingers crossed she understands and doesn't slip straight into his web of 'see your friends don't like me, they don't wa t us to be happy, they are not your real friends etc......'

@emsworth sadly I suspect you may be right. When he is not there she always leaves very early "to get back to my boyfriend." Then a week later cries over the endless nights he spends at the pub with his ex, not coming home etc. Its maddening it bear witness to.

@LolaSmiles

It sounds like he was hoping to create a situation where her friends say something bad about him so that he can swoop in and say "see, I told you your friends don't like me, do you really need people like that around". It's a big red flag for him trying to isolate her and cut off her friendship networks.

YANBU at all to not want him around though and you're a good friend for being mindful of how abusive men work.

Could you say that the party is friends only, not friends and partners (with the logic being that you are actually friends with other people's partners)? Or maybe say the invite is just for her because his conduct last time wasn't appropriate/it was disruptive/you weren't happy having someone who behaves like that in your house/any reason other than 'because he is clearly an abusive wanker and none of us like him'.

This is much better advice than mine! You don’t want to alienate her or give him ammo to control her with, and she would 100% report back that he wasn’t invited because you all think he’s a wanker.

@emsworth

I suspect he is controlling and doesn't want her out without him. If you ban him then you won't see her...

Exactly what I was thinking.

I wouldn't have the time of day for someone like her and would be brutally honest to the attention seeker.

He isn't welcome because he's a twat and if she chooses to ignore his behaviour then that's on her but other people shouldn't have to put up with his twattish behaviour because of it.

She knows how you all feel and she has still chosen to be with him. In my opinion your job is to support her and if / when she chooses to leave him to be there for her. To regularly remind her that you don't like him and to exclude him from events makes the situation harder for her and actually means he can back up his claim that her friends don't like him etc and will probably give him more ammunition to control her as a result. If you are having a friends only event (no partners) that's fine, but if he's the only one who is excluded she will feel it. As someone who was on the other side it just made me feel that I couldn't turn to my friends, that they didn't like my partner and would never be able to support me because they were convinced I should leave him. This is a decision she needs to come to on her own.

Blame Covid- say you’re keeping numbers down and you can’t offer a plus 1

I think I’d just say ‘last time was really uncomfortable for many of us because of the argument so I don’t want a repeat of that - the invitation is for you.’ If she decides not to attend then that’s sad but you can’t be expected to willingly accommodate a guy who has behaved like that.