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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split up but live together

25 replies

TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 21:37

Has anyone done this?
AIBU to think it’s a workable solution?

Both sides agree ‘love is dead’, get on day to day, neither looking for new partner, better quality of life financially by remaining in a house share situation. Generally have our own lives already, Adult/teen DC...

What do you know about this set up?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 21:38

Oh, not married but together 25+ years.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 30/07/2021 21:39

I know one couple that’s done it, they ended up getting back together after the ‘wife’ dated and her DH didn’t like it.
You may not be looking for a partner, but if it happens naturally, what then?

19lottie82 · 30/07/2021 21:40

It sounds ok on paper, but the main spanner in the works would be what would happen if one of you met someone else? It could get messy……..

Angelofchaos · 30/07/2021 21:43

Depends.
Is the mutual respect still there? Fondness if not romantic love?

Are your roles changing? So if one worked part time and are they going full-time? Or is the other one going to still carry the majority of expenses?

If both work full time will you be (or have been) splitting 50:50.

Will their be a change to chores? If one does more than the other are you going to just look after yourselves? What about communal areas?

Its ok saying 'neither is looking for a new partner' but at some point one will meet someone. Could be sooner than you think. What's the plan then?

Is the house in both names? Joint mortgage? Joint rented? Can one afford to take it on if someone does meet someone and wants to move out?

I don't actually, think it the world's worst idea. But off the top of my head, these are the main sticking points I can imagine

Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 21:44

@19lottie82

It sounds ok on paper, but the main spanner in the works would be what would happen if one of you met someone else? It could get messy……..
It sounds really odd and is unusual I know but I never want to be with another partner.

I don’t want one. I don’t want him as my partner or anyone else.

I want a house mate though.

He has said the same.

OP posts:
Angelofchaos · 30/07/2021 21:47

Op my exhusband wasn't wanting to be with anyone else either. In 5vyears he has lived with 3 women and engaged to them all.

What people say and what actually pans out is often different.

I wasn't bothered about being with anyone else. I was very happy single. I met dp and he enhances my life. Not takes from it. I am no longer single.

Making a life plan based on neither wanting partners now doesn't mean that will always be the case. And you need a plan for what if.

fallfallfall · 30/07/2021 21:48

side by side duplex's or condo's?

Darbs76 · 30/07/2021 21:49

Well there’s no reason you can’t try it, but I’d be prepared to think of a plan B.

Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 21:51

Angelofchaos

Thank you so much. Lots to think about there.

The question that stood out is:
Is the mutual respect still there? Fondness if not romantic love?

Yes and no. He doesn’t care for me in the way that I believe a partner should and I have learnt to live emotionally independently. He has always lived emotionally independently alongside me.

There is fondness but it would be a arrangement based on convenience.

If we were to sell up I would have a much smaller place in a not so nice area, I would also need to rent a room out.
He would be in the same position.

I’d rather house share with him and remain in a big enough house to do so comfortably.

OP posts:
gogohm · 30/07/2021 21:56

We did for a few months just to sort out finances, to be honest it would have worked longer term but I met my dp and moved in when covid hit

Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 21:57

I do understand that most people would look for someone else but I can’t stand the idea.

DP (not married but I usually refer to him as DH) is very unlikely to form another relationship. If he did (he won’t) we would sell up. I can hand on heart say that she (she who will never exist) would be welcome to him! 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 21:58

@gogohm

We did for a few months just to sort out finances, to be honest it would have worked longer term but I met my dp and moved in when covid hit
That’s plan B - just until finances are sorted out and we both find tiny new houses and lodgers 😳
OP posts:
Johnhenry1881 · 30/07/2021 21:59

Hi. John Henry my name. I've a 4yr old utter hero son. His Mam is also great for the time she spends with him before I get home and then she is off duty, and I make sure of that cos I need the hang out time with him . We've grown very very far apart however since he came along ,and even tho on a daily basis I knew what was bugging me, I never said - assuming it would all blow over. Fast forward to just the past two days and I was a little later getting home , around 7pm and that's when wee man goes to sleep. I built that sleep routine myself from the day he came home, and his clock is even off kilter if we don't stick to that. The problem after all that intro is that I know when I'm gonna be late, and I have dinners ready for both before I leave in the morning. Today, I get home and take wee man to bed but it's 8pm because mama was hanging with pals here, and he had no lunch or dinner - for the second day in a row. Even tho it's all ready, she didn't feed my boy, her own boy too. And doesn't even acknowledge that's a problem. He had yoghurts and kinder eggs. I have to go away next week and I am dying at the thought of leaving. I just wanted a wee rant, I actually feel better for it too no here, no replies necessary but thks for listening/ reading. Ps. I don't have it in me to proof read it so any obvious mis-spells I'm sure u can get around! Bye

Angelofchaos · 30/07/2021 22:00

Yeah I am not saying you definitely will. Just have an agreed back up plan for it.

If he will be fine financially and you will not. I would Start saving Just in case.

Or even just incase he wakes up one day and wants to end the arrangement

Johnhenry1881 · 30/07/2021 22:02

Soz, looks like I may have ranted in a completely wrong area...

Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 22:04

@Angelofchaos

Yeah I am not saying you definitely will. Just have an agreed back up plan for it.

If he will be fine financially and you will not. I would Start saving Just in case.

Or even just incase he wakes up one day and wants to end the arrangement

Yes. I need to get our paperwork/finances organised that’s for sure. Maybe it will be a short term arrangement. Luckily it’s not too complicated. We only own the house together and there are no child maintenance issues.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheSunShinesBrighter · 30/07/2021 22:04

@Johnhenry1881

Soz, looks like I may have ranted in a completely wrong area...
Don’t worry! Copy and paste to the other thread x
OP posts:
abstractprojection · 30/07/2021 22:11

You can see how it’s goes but a lot of couples start off wanting this and then the emotions of the break up start to hit and it can be very difficult

heronsinflight · 30/07/2021 22:47

My parents did this. They split when I was about 16 and lived in the same house for the next four or five years. But it was a massive house and they were able to completely divide it in two. They had separate kitchens, bathrooms, front doors, you name it -- I even had a room in each part!

I don't think it was a happy time for either of them, and probably living in a house with lots of memories didn't help, even though they rarely saw one another.

Peace43 · 30/07/2021 23:31

I was totally adamant that I didn’t want another boyfriend / partner when I split with my husband (my decision to end things). I didn’t need or want a relationship. I was totally 100% delighted to be single and living with just DD and Dog.

After 9 months I met a guy and we sort of clicked. Still no plans to ever co-habit but we date, fuck and watch TV a couple of times a week.

Never say never!

DismantledKing · 30/07/2021 23:33

I lived with an ex for a month or so after we split up;
It nearly drove me mad. I’d never do it again.

Angelofchaos · 30/07/2021 23:38

Op, in all honesty, if I could have done this with exh, I would have. Would have been easier. Especially as we have youngish kids. Unfortunately he became a flat earther among other things Confused

If you think you can make it work and plan properly, I think you could do it. Just make sure you have a back up, just incase.

Fizzorgin · 30/07/2021 23:42

Been there done that with an ex partner for nearly a year due to the tenancy agreement we had. It didn't work out well or amicably, in fact it turned out downright nasty and passive aggressive.

That said, I do know folk for whom it worked.

I guess it depends on the basis of the initial relationship perhaps.

wheresmymojo · 30/07/2021 23:55

We all tend to learn a lot from our parent's relationships and it tends to colour our own relationships for most of our lives or until we get therapy.

Is this what you want your children model their subconscious views of relationships on?

19lottie82 · 31/07/2021 00:47

It sounds really odd and is unusual I know but I never want to be with another partner…….

He has said the same.

You may feel like this now, but the chances of this staying the same for both of you is slim!

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