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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To request child maintenance in this situation

19 replies

MagicalCreatures · 30/07/2021 17:43

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
We have a DC who is 2.
I left the family home 7 months ago because he refused to leave. So he stayed in our mortgaged family home and continued to pay the mortgage and bills.
I stayed at a friend's until I could get UC and a property for me and DC to live in.
I gave up full time work and only do 2 days a weeks when I had our child.
Before this, I always paid half of everything, if not more.
My job has also been hugely affected by Covid and my earnings are nothing like they used to be.
He refused to pay child maintenance for 4 months after I left so I applied through CMS.
He went ballistic cos they went by his previous earnings and not his lower wage in his new job (he got made redundant 6 months before I left him)
Threatened me to cancel it and said he would pay me half of what they calculated he should a week.
I agreed cos he scares the crap out of me.
He has a way of making me believe that everything I do is wrong and I'm going to get Into serious trouble for it.
He's reasoning for not paying child maintenance is cos he is paying the mortgage when I'm legally liable for half of it. Even though I qualify for benefits at the moment and have no spare income and he is loving in the home.

Anyway, my solicitor advised me to set up CM again because the family home is due to sell in a few weeks time, in which case he will have a load of spare income from moving back to his parents and will not voluntarily pay me more then he already is.
I will also no longer be entitled to UC for living costs cos of the capital and equity I will receive (which by the way is nowhere near enough to buy a new home but is too much to qualify for any benefits and I will have to dip into my equity from the divorce to top up my rent payments and bills every month)
Also this is the nitty gritty and why my solicitor advised it. He will not come to a financial agreement and is stalling as long as he can so even though the property has sold, it will be in the conveyancing solicitors holding account until this agreement is arranged. Meaning that I can't access the money but I still don't qualify for any benefit help.
So I will be earning £500 a month and trying to find an extra £700 a month to pay my rent and bills until the financial settlement is agreed and the money is released.
So I need what I can get from him to help make my payments (I will unfortunately be relying on family help to make up the rest which I will have to pay back)

He is now sending me threatening messages again, filling my head with stuff about getting into trouble and that he's paying the mortgage etc. Saying that I haven't told CMS this and they now want to talk to me and he's calling the police cos this is harassment. I did explain everything to CMS and they still came up with this calculation.
He has also been doing alot of overtime and isn't being honest about what he's been earning which Is why I think he doesn't qualify for them to re-adjust the calculation cos it's not more then 25% change in his previous earnings. Hence why he's coming at me at all angles to cancel it.

Am I wrong. I have no idea if I'm wrong or doing this wrong. I've never had to do this before and it's all so scary.

Someone please advise

OP posts:
Thesaltandthesea · 30/07/2021 17:47

You are absolutely not wrong. He's an abusive dick and still trying to control you. Let him argue with the CMS if he doesn't agree with their calculations.

Ginqueen456 · 30/07/2021 17:47

You are not wrong. Even if he is paying the mortgage on the house he is still obliged to pay full child maintenance per month regardless. Block and ignore him.

REignbow · 30/07/2021 17:49

In a situation like this I think it is your best interests to call WA, rights of women and any domestic violence services.

He is abusive and is using coercive control, to manipulate you. This is not right and is affecting your DC.

MagicalCreatures · 30/07/2021 17:53

Thankyou everyone who has already commented. I have been shaking ever since his messages. I contacted women's aid months before I left and have been in contact with some domestic abuse helplines and should be getting support soon.
He's led me to believe that if he pays the child maintenance requested, then I should be paying my half of the mortgage (which is more than I would recieve from him so it would be pointless)

OP posts:
TheTallOakTrees · 30/07/2021 17:58

I just wanted to wish you luck. He should pay too.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 17:59

I should be paying my half of the mortgage (which is more than I would recieve from him so it would be pointless)

sadly this is kind of true, if you own half the house and expect half the equity you are jointly liable for the mortgage however if you can’t pay. He has to, or thr house is repossessed, as you’re jointly liable for the debt

It’s very complex but he’s not absolved from paying maintenance as you cannot afford to contribute to the mortgage

Pogacar · 30/07/2021 18:03

Just block him and contact him through your official channels only - solicitor / CM or WA.

RandomMess · 30/07/2021 18:03

Block him and claim CMS.

He is a lying nasty shit.

He had the option to move out, he didn't. He has had the benefit of living in a nice home whilst his DC was bunking down wherever you could find.

He is a lowlife.

CakeandGo · 30/07/2021 18:06

I’d wait until the house sale goes through purely because I wouldn’t want to do anything that may jeopardise that happening.

Then I’d take him for every penny I could.

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/07/2021 18:07

I would not engage. Tell him communicationn about child maintenance is through the cms then ignore.

REignbow · 30/07/2021 18:08

You need to only communicate about your DC, so block his number and use email only. I would then use your solicitor/WA to communicate about anything financial or about contact.

Byronic · 30/07/2021 18:08

Not directly answering your question OP but it's worth having a conversation with UC about the house equity - in some circumstances they will ignore it for a set period (eg. if its enough for a deposit and you need time to find a property). Citizens Advice have a dedicated UC line and are really helpful. But def apply for CM too Smile

MagicalCreatures · 30/07/2021 18:13

So I have already had to file harassment charges against him. I told him I wanted no contact unless it was about our son and he carried on. He got a firm warning from police and backed off for a while. But he's still very cleverly made any nasty messages to me, about our son so it didn't qualify as harassment 🤷🏻‍♀️
What he has been sending me today has nothing to do with our son but obviously just financial matters. So I will be ringing the police again.
This is why he is saying that I'm harassing him. The police calling him for the harassment puts ideas in his head to turn things around on me. He's very manipulative like that.

To be honest I did kind of expect him to request my half of the mortgage payments for the last 7 months in our financial settlement. Which if I legally had to agree to then I would have.
What my point is now and why I have gone through CMS again is because in a few weeks, our property will have sold and so I have no obligation to pay anything to him but he should be paying more for his son.

OP posts:
MagicalCreatures · 30/07/2021 18:20

@ unfortunately this is exactly how I see him and the situation too.

I have been very clear with him that I want no contact and to leave everything like this to the solicitors etc.

Unfortunately my equity might be enough for a deposit but I can't borrow the money from the mortgage companies because of my low wage. My son isn't old enough for me to work more hours as I don't have the childcare and couldn't afford professional childcare costs.

My solicitor said I could have got a mesher order so he would have had to stay on the mortgage (meaning he couldn't get another one and wouldn't have released him any equity until our son came of age) and I could have stayed in the property but I just couldn't go back there. Too many bad memories

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 30/07/2021 18:22

If he expects you to pay half the mortgage then surely he needs to pay you rent for your half of the house that he has sole use of. Ignore him and follow the advice of your solicitor and let the CMS crack on with making him properly support his child.

pinkcircustop · 30/07/2021 18:23

YANBU. You were not wrong to ask him for CM and you shouldn’t have stopped it in the first place, though I understand why you did.

RandomMess · 30/07/2021 18:26

Have you looked into shared ownership to use your equity on that and rent the rest?

MagicalCreatures · 30/07/2021 18:38

@FatCatThinCat
I never thought of this. Wonder if it's a thing.

@RandomMess
I looked into this briefly but unfortunately I live in one of the most expenses parts of the country where the earnings don't match the incomes and it's very hard to get on the property ladder. That and the fact that I'm self employed and Covid has ruined my business and my last few years tax returns have been terrible, I'd really struggle even if I managed to build my business enough in a short time

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 19:06

STOP engaging with him right now

Get your claim for CMS in immediately

Ignore all communication unless it is regarding your Child.

Keep copies of ALL messages.. for your Lawyer and Police if necessary..

STOP ENGAGING WITH HIM NOW..

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