Do most people go along with things for their own gain/easy life?

[Langy654321]

This one is difficult to articulate, so please bare with me.

There always seems to be a central person that people will not bend to in order for an easy life (financially or morally).

• A friend, queen bee type - that treats others appallingly - smear campaigning each friend always has them coming back again.

• Brother and Sil who know they have a relative which they have to adjust their behaviour around, visit regularly as the future will, would set them up for life.

The list is long but I won’t bore anyone. It just feels as though I know very few who say enough is enough (apart from to their ex partners/husbands).

Sh*tty behaviour from friends, acquaintances, relatives - I hear a lot of people complain, I see a lot of acts put on but no one willing to pull the trigger.

I stand up whenever I feel like I’ve been treated unfairly, mostly just voicing my view - and I have the feeling I am seen as a trouble maker.
Especially when I have snapped when pushed continually.

I miss being young and having that spirit of being able to speak your mind and not be condemned as being trouble or crazy.

Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe it’s just a British thing where there is an undercurrent of never really saying things as it is. I hate it.

I suppose it depends on what your priorities are, what outcome you want and what price you would be paying.

I may find a certain relative obnoxious and annoying but it may cause much more drama and pain to cut her off than go see her a few times a year, and she isn't so awful that I have that much of a principle against seeing her.

Dr- Thank you for the reply, I see what you mean.

I just find that with these ‘central’ characters, their behaviour is not highlighted or confronted - but then another person, couple, family become the scapegoat.

Everyone ends up quite happy with the set up, as long as their not the target. Just very screwed up.

they’re* !

It's sometimes about choosing your battles

You can't control other peoples' behaviour so deciding whether to challenge a friend/ relative who you think is being controllimg or a bit of a diva may depend on a number of factors, e.g.

• do you believe they can change their behaviour or is it out of their control?
• do they have redeeming qualities which make me more likely to forgive bad behaviour?
• what is the impact of them getting their own way on me/mine?
• what would be the likely impact on me/mine of challenging their behaviour?
• what sort of mood am I in! (if I'm already angry, irritated or frustrated then I'm more likely to stand up to them)

I miss being young and having that spirit of being able to speak your mind and not be condemned as being trouble or crazy.

I used to be like this and I think internally I still am. But now (30s) I find an element of "Oh well, overall he/she/it isn't so bad" or "Let's see" or just dignified silence while something washes over starts to creep in. Far fewer burnt bridges, that's for sure. And these are rarely things for any gain, except perhaps the gain of social acceptance (?).

Freelions - All good points and I think my inner battle is with the whole ‘cannot change a person’ narrative. As though they are getting away with it. I think I can walk away from things a lot more being older, but it’s hurtful when I see the wreckage that the problematic person is causing and they are continuously coming out on top.

Essential - Thank you for the reply. That’s true, I hold back so much more myself than ever before. Sometimes it just feels like an excuse to not challenge someone problematic at all, it eats away at me and other people aren’t so bothered with the injustice.

There always seems to be a central person that people will not bend to in order for an easy life (financially or morally)

I don't really get this bit. Or get it in relation to the examples.

But as for the speaking my mind. I did when I was younger. But now, as pp said, I am far more laid back. But by being laid back I have learned some useful lessons.

And honestly, usually, people who are dicks only get away with it for so long. Not always. But mostly.

The Queen bee? I don't have to say anything confrontational. I just don't engage. If some asks why I don't seem to like them I will be honest. I would never sat something I wouldn't say to their face. Ig they asked, I would tell them I don't like xyz, so am stepping back . Everytime people have ended up seeing them for what they are without me saying anything.

The relatives, meh, wouldn't say anything at all. If that's what they want to do. They relative is getting visits, if they choose to leave money to your brother. That's up to them. If your brother relationships are based on how he can financially benefit, I believe that will come back on him too.

Now I am older I pick my battles better but also discovered that not all battles have to be a fight. Sometimes sitting g back is the best thing

I tend to do the anything for an easy life unless I really feel strongly about something and it's really affecting me, because all that's happened in the past for the most part is huge arguments and as you say, you being seen as the problem rather than the person who actually is.
I've been the one, in the pas,t to confront people over behaviour everyone in the group has complained about, only to have the rest of the group all look blank and the person I've confronted get very angry with me and I take the fall out alone. That's ok, kind of, because I was the one who did the confronting, but then I absolutely did not put up with the other members of the group moaning about that person in the future because they had their chance to try and change things and backed out.

Now I'm a bit, well as others have said, pick your battles, because sometimes it's just not worth it to rock the boat. I agree this means that these people get to carry on regardless, but sometimes that's the better option.

I feel for you op! You should listen to pp, but I have a lot of trouble seeing "injustices". I am way past 30 and should have learnt....but I always to "fix it". So yes, totally see where you are coming from, but suggest you learn how to let it wash you (and come back to tell me!).

I will keep the peace with close family members, but I have no time for anything beyond that. I don't really care about whether people want to befriend me so I don't feel the need to engage at all with 'queen bee' types. If others want to, more fool them.

Angel - Thanks for a detailed reply, good to see how you deal with different situations that apply.

I quit - This is me to a tee, I guess a part of me still feels emotionally charged by how events unfolded myself but I can see now that it is a more common situation. I’m not sure if I feel frustrated that I should have sat back because now I feel ‘Wong done’ (is that a term?) by all the times I’ve come out at the bottom by just trying to understand/help/change/stand up.

Lua - Thank you! I feel like I have no energy left to charge back up maybe one more left for the road?

Shadow - Nice words of advice, but what if you are already in this friendship group from history or fall into it accidentally like in a workplace environment?

Nice words of advice, but what if you are already in this friendship group from history or fall into it accidentally like in a workplace environment?

I would take the route of gradually disengaging - spend less and less time with them, take longer and longer to respond. Ease yourself painlessly out.

Shadow - Thanks for your reply and advice.
I’d say it takes a strong person to walk away or one that knows they can uphold fresh boundaries (and them be respected). I guess it’s almost like a victim bullied feeling - you want it more to be better and end up feeling rejected, then desperate and it becomes a circle then of asking yourself why you bothered to speak out. Almost blaming yourself. I suppose it fuels that central person to remain on-top and then it’s a matter of when and how you can fully walk away.

I guess it’s almost like a victim bullied feeling - you want it more to be better and end up feeling rejected, then desperate and it becomes a circle then of asking yourself why you bothered to speak out.

Yes, I can see why that circle would be difficult to break - I remember that kind of thing in my younger days, which is really why I decided to stop engaging at all. I'm quite happy with very casual friendships/my own company - I can see it might be different for someone used to relying on friends for more intense companionship.

it’s a matter of when and how you can fully walk away.

That's why I recommend a gradual withdrawal - any obvious walking away will only fuel drama and recriminations. You have to make yourself 'boring' and fade out of their lives.

Shadow - Thank you for your advice. I’ve began to almost do this myself. Perhaps too much fear of missing out, with friendships being hard to replicate as you become older but then reminding myself are these really friendships worth having?

I will encourage a friend to who is in a similar position though her ties are from a more cultural position so more pressure in a sense.

I have a friend who can be manipulative, selfish and difficult. Her behaviour is completely see through and all of us know what she is like. She is also hilarious and often the one who organises and makes shit happen. There is no point in confrontation, it would just create bad feeling. If I didn’t want to hang out with her I’d distance myself. I think part of friendship is being accepting of others, she puts up with my flaws too.

WeRThe - Good point, it’s good that you know that all the others think the same.
I do think there’s many that don’t discuss it with each other or won’t in fear of being singled out.

I understand the hilarious and organising part - isn’t this what makes these very people shiny things to want to be around - but the reality is not so rosey. Therefore in a sense we are using each other to a big degree? Is that using of said friend worth it, and are your flaws as bad as hers?