About sharing the parenting load

[Blindingpeaky]

So as not to drip feed I am currently on mat leave. I have a 10 month old who recently started sleeping through the night.
Prior to this I would always be the one to get up with him during the night.

My DH and I share waking up with the baby in the mornings. He is an early riser (5 30 am).
I tend to go to bed at about 10 30, but my DH cant really fall asleep until 12. Dh is currently working from home.
Dh thinks that he is doing something special that most fathers dont do by sharing mornings. He also shares the housework and pays Bill's (stat mat pay- we both agreed I would go on mat leave).

I personally dont think he is doing anything special by sharing parenting responsibilities when he is not at work. My baby only recently started napping for longer than 30 mins in the day so it's not as if i am able to nap in the day myself if I am tired.

So my question is
AIBU- your DH is a saint for waking up
AINBU- of course he should do the mornings too

Is he not working at the moment, or working from home? There’s a difference.

I’d agree with him that the more usual set up in households where one parent is working and the other is a SAHP is for the SAHP to to the lion’s share of morning routine, because it makes sense. I wouldn’t agree that him taking in some of it makes him worthy of extra special praise, though.

He’s not doing anything special. It’s normal in most households.

Not sure about the sarcasm about being " a saint".

Dh thinks that he is doing something special that most fathers dont do by sharing mornings.

need context.

Father helping when they have time before going to work/ starting work is normal.

In the case of your DH, if he's up, why shouldn't he take care of his own child when he has hours until he works.

Being in charge of childcare and housechores (not that much when it's only one baby) when you don't work and the other one has a full time job is also fair.

I am the mum, if I leave early for work and DH is home that day, he naturally takes care of the kids.

^as in front 5:30 until he starts work it’s normal. Once he starts work then the baby is your responsibility.

YANBU. I'm on mat leave at the moment and DP works long shifts. He helps with all the night feeds - we do one each. We split housework - I will do as much as I can around the demands of the baby in the day time, and he will always come home and finish off the jobs I wasn't able to do. He doesn't expect praise either.

Your DH is expressing his male exceptionalism… whereby clearly he is remarkable and deserves a BluePeter badge for doing tasks that other people do but not as remarkably. Eye roll.

He is working a normal Monday to Friday 9 to 5 job. By doing the mornings I literally mean wake up with the baby, give him breakfast and play with him until I wake up generally at 8 and take over.

If he's working from home 9-5 and getting up at 5.30 then looking after the baby until you're up at 8, perhaps he means that because he's working from home he can do the morning routine whereas normally fathers off to work can't? Eg. Getting ready and leaving the house to commute to work would mean he'd have to leave much earlier and not be doing the morning routine?

Everything outside of his working hours should be 50/50. Arguably he should do more outside of working hours than you if you’re also up in the night. The only exception to that is if baby naps for say 2+ hours in the day while also sleeping through the night so you have time to yourself while baby sleeps and you don’t also need to nap. If you’re in that sweet spot of mat leave then I would either use that time to do housework so there’s nothing much anyone needs to do after work, or do more outside of husband’s working hours so you end up with equal leisure time.

Bottom line is your husband isn’t doing anything more than he should be and I would find it deeply off putting and unattractive that he expects fawning over for doing the basics of a decent parent. Does he Really think that he’s going above and beyond by not expecting you to work round the clock while he does eight hours per day? Ugh.

@mayorgoodwayschicken you really hit the nail on the head with your last paragraph.

My husband did all the early morning wake-ups with our DDs. I'm better at waking up during the night, and he's better at early mornings, so we played to our strengths.

He also did an equal share of parenting in the evenings and weekends, and all the shopping/cooking.

So no, what your DH is doing isn't out of the ordinary, although sadly some men think it is.

My DP does alternate mornings with me and before she stopped needing a night feed he did half the nights too, and worked full time so no he is not doing something hugely out of the ordinary however I do know a lot of my friends get zero help from their partners.

Eek, sorry, I voted opposite to what I intended, you are NOT being unreasonable, of course he should share the mornings. Sorry to muck up your stats!

You both made a baby. If you’re not tired you’re not doing it right. Me and OH did everything 50/50 when he was at home.

He did some night feeds too, I went to bed early and he is naturally up late anyway so would do any feeds up to 2am.

It’s what we both expected when having a baby.

I feel like i'm going against the grain here but while hes doing a 9-5 and you are just at home i do think it is nice of him to take the baby at 5:30 in the week and let you sleep in! Weekends different though. I think it matters less if youre tired for being at home/going to baby groups than it does for him to be trying to do his job, and 3 hours of looking after a baby before 8 hours of work is quite a day.

The problem sounds like its to do with his attitude rather than this one specific example.

My son is now 3 but wakes at 5.30 or earlier and sometimes in the night. I work two days a week so my boy is at a CM and my husband works full time from home. We take it in turns every morning as to who gets up and who goes to him during the night. That way it's fair. We also take it in turns as to who puts him to bed.

When my husband went to work, he had an hour commute so getting up with my son wasn't possible.

I think it's only fair to take it in turns given looking after a child is a job as well as actual paid jobs!

I do the majority of the house work, washing, cleaning etc but he cooks alot and will do housework as and when necessary.

I feel everything should be 50/50.

Of course what he's doing at normal! DH used to get up with ds1 at 5am and then look after him until 7/7.30am when I'd take over and he would go to work. He also used to get in from work and take over with ds while I had a nap and showered AND he cooked dinner (should say, this was all when ds1 wasn't sleeping well and I was exhausted- once he slept better this obviously didn't need to happen). When I went back to work, DH always did the morning routine with me and let me have both lie ins at the weekend - I always offered one but he actually isn't much of a lie-in person so didn't want one. I'm flabbergasted when men do slightly more than the minimum and want to be worshipped for it. DH has always done 50/50 without asking and without needing constant praise.

If OP is "just at home" and therefore having a nice restful time of it, isn't it fascinating why more men don't seem to want to rest when they get home from work by looking after the baby and doing housework?
It is either work or rest, it categorically cannot simultaneously be work for a man but rest for a woman.
The man is probably right, because many men seem to be such arseholes about this stuff and he's doing more than them. It's a very low bar to expect special praise for clearing though.

Yanbu, sharing the load is his basic responsibility as a parent.

Not doing anything special.

He is doing something special. It shouldn't be considered special mind you! The fact is the majority of men do not share the burden of child-rearing in the early years (I have no data on this, but it is true for virtually every family I've ever known so I'm applying it to society as a whole ). It shouldn't be seen as special and he shouldn't get extra praise (they always want the praise...) but my guess is he's in the minority. Admittedly I have somewhat started hating men since having children, so perhaps that negative bias shines through my opinion!

Definitely not.

Don't make the HUGE mistake of having another child with him until you have experienced the next few years.

No he is not doing anything special. He is being a parent. This is what parents do. This is what my DH does.

On the other hand, unfortunately from experience in real life and on here, I do still think there are a large number of men out there who do think this is all womens work and they shouldn't be lumbered with it.

Just wait until you go back to work OP and start crowing about how amazing you are doing XY and Z while working.

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. I feel justified in my anger towards DH. In all honesty I do feel let down by him and his childish need for constant praise.

There have been some really good points on this thread that I will keep in my arsenal for next time DH gets on my nerves with this crap.

What he’s doing isn’t anything exceptional but 5.30 starts are hard if he doesn’t get to sleep till 12 - while on those nights you are getting 9.5 solid hours of sleep 10.30-8 you’ve stated) and even 10.30-5.30 is a good 7hr sleep which is fab.
Perhaps this is the issue, which is basically not your problem. He just that needs to go to bed earlier when he knows it’s his turn. This is exactly what we do. I used to deal with the kids’ stuff in the mornings but now Dh is wfh he takes turns with me (we always took turns at the weekends) and he goes to bed early as he needs more sleep. I don’t bother because I just don’t need as much sleep generally.
Good to have this conversation now as when maternity leave is over it’s good to be in a routine of sharing the load.