Husband's Family

[foibles2011]

Tricky one I know but here goes. My husbands mum is a big drinker and when she does she becomes very loud, uses offensive language, is confrontational and there are always fights (verbal). Every time we go to stay she, my father in law and husband start drinking from around 3 in the afternoon and the trouble starts, even after my children have gone to bed they are kept awake by nana f'ing and blinding until eventually they (adults) all pass out on the sofas. I find it all really stressful as I hate confrontation and I hate even more that my kids can hear it.
This weekend my husband has arranged for us to visit them and I asked that he didn't drink because I found it too stressful given what normally happens and so that he can help me with the kids and he told me I was f@%$ing rude and to not come.
So AIBU?

Don’t go. Don’t take your kids and subject them to that- they must be frightened when daddy and grandparents kick off.

That aside, you have bigger problems than your inlaws drinking problem. You have a husband who clearly has a drinking problem. And an attitude problem.

Stay home. I wouldn’t have people like this in my life. Dhs family or not.

YANBU… this is really not something children should see.

If I were you I wouldn’t take them around anyone who is drinking until they pass out. This is not something you want your children to think is normal. This is really abnormal and not acceptable for anyone to have to be around. Child or adult.

Your mother in law obviously has a drinking problem.

And your husband thinks this is ok because he grew up around it.

Him saying you are rude because you don’t want to your children around verbally abusive drunks shows he is part of the larger issue at hand. This is not normal behaviour and it’s a bad example to set for your children.

What on earth convinced you to marry and have sex in order to pro create with this chav and thus become a part of his chavvy family.

In years to come your children will be drinking and f’ing and blinding with them all.

I would certainly stay away, permanently. But sadly your children may one day aspire to be part of this family.

Oh dear. I would keep yourself AND the children well away. It is not suitable. It doesn't sound like a good environment for them to be in, explain that, get confrontational about it if you really have to (they will) but don't get steamrolled into going, hold your own on this one whatever it takes - your feelings need to protect are justified.

Excellent - stay at home with the kids!

So I wouldn’t go then, nor would the kids

This sounds similar to my maternal grandparents. Lovely when sober, but drunk, my granny had a wicked and cruel tongue. It had escalated as she got older. My mum and dad kept us away from it and we never really knew till we were older. Mum said she didn't want us to think badly of them. She retained a great deal of anger toward her mother even after she died, and that took a long time to resolve. Talk to your dh about the lasting effects of being exposed to his mother's behaviour, on all of you but especially the kids. It's incredibly sad, but dh has to put the kids first,. You say you don't like confrontation but this is your kids and I don't think you have much option here.

It sounds really difficult. My in laws used to be similar but my dh warned me so we wouldn’t stay with them as he didn’t want to have kids around them while they were drunk after he noticed his mum was a bit wobbly when she held our 6 month old and a bit erratic so took her back in a gentle way and then we left soon after. That was when we had the conversation, led by him and based on the safety of our child. They’re alcoholics but won’t listen to that, he’s lived with it for years so understood this whereas I was fairly oblivious to the implications, so we have to manage the relationship ourselves. You’d never know that about them unless you spent significant time in their home with them. Functional certainly. We chose to continue a relationship but if I were in your shoes I would just tell him to go himself. If they want to see the kids then it’s a morning activity where there’ll be no booze. That’s how we manage it and then no problem but of course my husband is on board with it. Yours is refusing to see your side of things. Maybe ask him to record the situation and watch it back when sober and consider whether it’s a safe and appropriate environment for your children to be in.

YANBU to not want to be around it.

YABU to expect them to change the way they are happy to be rather than to remove yourself from the situation.

Visit early, leave with the kids before things get rowdy.

The problem is yours not theirs and you can't dictate how they behave in their own home.

Compromise and stay in travel lodge or air bb

I absolutely would not be subjecting my children to this vile and damaging behaviour from their father and their grandparents. He can go and act like… well, a lowlife if he wants to, but I wouldn’t ever go there again and neither would my babies.

There are support groups for the loved ones of people with alcohol problems. It might be helpful for you to contact them.

I would tell your Husband, that you don't want yourself , and children, to be in the company of this low brow alcoholic behaviour pattern at all, so just won't visit and witness it all. It won't matter if anyone objects, as drunks talk rubbish and ruin things for others.

This must be absolutely terrifying for your children and you seriously need to protect them from this. Stand up to your husband and say no!
Im horrified he thinks its acceptable that his children are subjected to his mothers deranged, drunken rants!
This woman has no respect for you or your children! Let him go alone