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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my DS and feel like giving up?

13 replies

gettingalife · 29/07/2021 19:42

I'm desperately in need of advice as to how to help my 19 year old DS give up his weed smoking habit. He lies repeatedly about it, convincing us he's stopped, but is then caught out.

He's had a stable upbringing with us but has always struggled academically and has low self esteem. We've tried so hard to build his confidence and develop his practical skills but he still seems very unconfident He's got few qualifications and was furloughed from his apprenticeship over lockdown.

He's ended up working with my DH (his dad) but it's not going brilliantly because of his low moods and lies.

I feel like we've done so much to try and help him. We've listened, tried to understand and been there for him at all times. I just don't know what else to do. Has anyone else been through this and can anyone advise what to do please? It's starting to put a huge strain on our marriage and his relationship with his brother and sister has deteriorated which breaks my heart.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 19:53

Report him to the police for possession. They won't do much for a bit of cannabis for personal use but might scare him into sorting himself out?

Original poster
gettingalife · 29/07/2021 20:09

Good point, thank you. He has actually been stopped by the police and searched recently, having the weed he had on him confiscated. Did shake him up but not enough to stop unfortunately.

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 29/07/2021 20:12

Terminate the employment with your husband. If he doesn’t have any cash then presumably he can’t buy weed. If he gets another job or means of getting in, make it explicitly clear he is not to smoke in your home or your garden.

If he smokes it elsewhere and it’s just that you don’t personally like or agree with it, then there’s not much you can do (and not really something you should insert yourself in, IMO, given that he’s nineteen years old).

LuxOlente · 29/07/2021 20:14

It will probably be legalised in your lifetime, so it might be best not to get too worked up over it for now. How can he afford it - furlough money?

With few qualifications and not much in the way of work, what he needs is to join the real world. He can start looking for a job, if he's unlikely to return to his apprenticeship, or while he's waiting. Even if he doesn't get one, he should start looking. He needs to consider plans for moving into his own place. Once his money has to stretch to vital things like rent and bills, he'll not be able to waste it on weed.

He needs to learn to prioritise, and that he can't expect to lay around in a comfortable house. He's no incentive to improve, at this rate.

AnnaBellaCruella · 29/07/2021 20:53

You can’t stop it op. Sadly it’s a choice he makes and understandably you are upset and disappointed which compounds the problem as he just lies about it.

Is he smoking to fit in with friends or more to self medicate? Of course it can be a viscous cycle as it’s generally smoked to chill, relieve stress but of course it causes mood swings and irritability too.

Please don’t involve the police, it won’t be productive, they really won’t be interested and it will put a further wedge in your relationship.

I’d have a frank discussion and tell him you do not approve of his habit but accept it is his choice and ask him to try and be open and honest rather than lying and being deceitful. You never know he might just get bored of it and stop doing it.

Good luck

GetTaeFuck · 29/07/2021 20:54

Terminate the work

Kick him out

You have small DC for Gods sake

Original poster
gettingalife · 29/07/2021 20:59

@GetTaeFuck

Terminate the work

Kick him out

You have small DC for Gods sake

His brother and sister are older. I couldn't ever kick him out.
OP posts:
DGFB · 29/07/2021 20:59

How connected is it to his mental health? Is his low mood made worse by weed or does he do it to escape his feelings?
I ask because there could be a fix to his low moods like anti-depressants, could you offer to take him for counselling for his self-esteem? If these things get fixed he might need less weed

Original poster
gettingalife · 29/07/2021 21:02

@AnnaBellaCruella

You can’t stop it op. Sadly it’s a choice he makes and understandably you are upset and disappointed which compounds the problem as he just lies about it.

Is he smoking to fit in with friends or more to self medicate? Of course it can be a viscous cycle as it’s generally smoked to chill, relieve stress but of course it causes mood swings and irritability too.

Please don’t involve the police, it won’t be productive, they really won’t be interested and it will put a further wedge in your relationship.

I’d have a frank discussion and tell him you do not approve of his habit but accept it is his choice and ask him to try and be open and honest rather than lying and being deceitful. You never know he might just get bored of it and stop doing it.

Good luck

Thank you. This is what I'll do. Really useful advice.
OP posts:
Original poster
gettingalife · 29/07/2021 21:04

Sorry, meant yo say @AnnaBellaCruella he does it to fit in with friends mainly, but I think the self medicating part is becoming more of a thing.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/07/2021 21:43

I used to smoke a lot! Thinking back now it did affect my mood and probably affected my MH too. I found it hard to quit as I was addicted to the nicotine and the relaxing part of it.
I was forced to quit as I got pregnant at an early age and I now have a successful career. So he hadn’t ruined his life or anything.

At his age there’s not a lot you can do. It sounds very counterproductive but you kind of have to use a bit of reverse psychology as the more you tell him to stop the more he will do it.
I wouldn’t encourage it but I would speak to him like an adult and say what he does in his personal time is up to him but you don’t want it to get in the way of work, relationships with his brother and sister etc. If he has low self esteem he needs to know you’re on his side. You are obviously a very supportive and loving family and he will come round it just might take a bit of time for him to realise.

Creamsoda77 · 29/07/2021 21:54

My ds also smokes it sometimes, as do many of his friends, we know he does and just say its his decision and as long as he does not smoke in the house,

StoneofDestiny · 29/07/2021 22:10

Don't involve the police. Don't kick him out.
Get info on the effect smoking weed has on mental health and get him to listen/read it.
Set up a nice opportunity to talk - no interruptions etc
Ask why he does it. Ask what would make him stop. Get him to tot up what he is spending on it and what he could buy with the money.
Good luck

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