4 year old DD constantly grumpy? My soul is being crushed

[CarryOnNurse20]

I was so excited for 4. Past toddler stage! School child! Can do so much more and play properly! DD hit 4 5 months ago and has been an absolute grotbag since. She’s so grumpy whenever she’s home. After school (or today holiday club) I blame tiredness but it’s always. On the edge of emotion, grumpy, doesn’t want to play or does but gets so overbearing and angry when I DONT DO IT RIGHT. I try to be calm but firm, don’t let her get away with bad behaviour but also try to empower her as much as possible (let her choose what to wear, choose out of options for dinnner, what shall we do next etc). Today with a whingy 2 year old who’s teething too I’m literally on the edge of losing my mind. Has anyone else had this?! Did it get better? How did you manage it? I’m drowning my sorrows in wine which isn’t a sustainable solution .

I think the first year of school is hard on kids emotionally. Leaving nursery, their familiar nursery teachers they’ve often known since babyhood, the build up to starting school (with its uniform, rules, stricter expectations, new peers). Is she stressed? Over stimulated maybe?

Holiday club when a lot of their friends are off for 6 weeks of freedom is hard for kids (I have one in holiday club and feel so sorry for her some days. I’m thinking of changing my hours as when they’re age 4-6 it’s like school only with a lot of older kids, activities they don’t want to do etc).

She’s probably exhausted on days off and in the evenings. Have you tried just letting her play or have time alone with her toys?

Too many choices can backfire too. If I ask ‘what to do you want for breakfast?’ my DC can never decide. If I ask ‘toast or cereal?’ they choose immediately.

Can you take some annual leave and have a chilled out week at home, with no pressure to go somewhere every day?

We were all conned. Everyone knows about the terrible twos, which incidentally we didn't find too bad, but my goodness, they kept v quiet about threenagers and this is the first I have heard of the fuck it fours.

Both mine were HORRIBLE between about 3 and 5, with dd causing me to dissolve in tears more than once. She's still a real beast on occasions (5.5 now) but much better - there have been times when, much as I love her, if she'd come with a receipt I would have returned her.

I'd really cut back on the choices for now. If she won't say what she wants/doesn't know/isn't happy with anything then maybe she needs you to make the decisions for her a bit longer.

I think they like the idea of independence at this age, but maybe not the actual reality/responsibility, particularly when they're tired. Lay the law down. Ignore the whining.

If she whines about your choices, you haven't lost anything; she whines anyway. At least this way the day suits you/other DC.

My DS was hard work at 4. Old enough to have strong opinions and argue about everything, getting a bit too big for nursery but hadn't started school...

Like you OP I had been looking forward to that age, and our last days pottering around together - and now being old enough to go more interesting places. Instead he was contrary and draining and basically pissed on all my fond plans.

Luckily starting school sorted him out, and then he turned 5 and I genuinely found him so much easier. Several of my friends had the same experience, so wait and hope is my advice.

Same…we were due to go to a local science museum today but I just couldn’t stand the moaning all day. He was such a sweet boy a few months ago and it’s like he’s had a personality transplant. I’m hoping the consequence of telling him we couldn’t go because of his behaviour might snap him out of it!

Friends with older ones tell me the sweet spot is roughly 6-9 years of age. After that you have to wait till about 19/20 before they resemble functioning human beings…

The thing that works (sometimes) with mine is to do a bit less for them. Instead of getting them dressed, getting their toothbrush, putting their dirty clothes away I get them to do It themselves as far as possible (I stand in the same room and tell them what to do) I also get them to be ‘helpers’ with jobs like emptying the bin, tidying up. Confusingly they behave better when I give them more responsibilities and fewer choices.

When my son was young my mother said his theme tune was "Why does it always rain on me" by Travis. She used to sing the chorus to him when he was in a grump. It didn't cheer him up, ...but it did cheer us up.

Yes this was us in May/June. We had a week on holiday in July and she’s a different child. I realised with hindsight she’d been in full time nursery since January with the last break being at Christmas. I think she was just knackered and in our cases needed to spend time with her parents when we weren’t half keeping an eye on our work phones/Skype/teams even at 6pm

Is she properly settled in school, doing well, enjoying it? It could be she's still adapting to the structure of school and not coping well being away from it when at home. Try using techniques her school would be using like picture cards to represent the timeline of the day, timers to let her know how long she has until she needs to do something.

Try not to give her too many choices, let her have some free reign of food and activities and get her involved in making her own breakfast.

I miss having a 2 year old. My almost 6 year old is the same. Solidarity!

I also have a 10 month old. I must be mad.

Had a dc like this until she was about 6. Had the sunniest, most cheerful ds you could wish for.
Until he got to about 9. He then became a cross between Eeyore and a film critic. He only ever remembers the bad things that happened to him and when he was let down. It's like living with a tik-tok quoting little cloud.

Don't give so many choices. Some things are non-negotiable. But do pick your battles. Unless you're going somewhere, let her mooch around and do things at her own pace. Try not to over plan for her. We all need that.

Is there any sign of her back molars coming through by any chance? It would be a but early, but not ridiculously (usually called the "six year molars). Mine have all been hideous when their teeth were coming through.

Why is a child who turned 4 in March(?) already in school. They shouldn't be starting until September.

My almost 5yo DS has been like this for the past 6 months. I only looked his way earlier and he told me I'd "broken his life" I think it's end of term tiredness (he was in nursery 4 days a week) and being the little one in the family.

It's like living with a tik-tok quoting little cloud.

genius description

My 4 year old (5 next month) was the most kind hearted, fun and easy baby and toddler. We thought we were seriously blessed (and we were a little smug). However, she turned 4 and turned into a whining, foot stomping monster. I understand why it is the fucking fours!