to ask what is so special about blond hair

[pocpocpoc]

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

[NotMyCat]

I've always wanted blonde straight hair that you can blast with a hairdryer and be out the door
I got red curls

[Wheatfromchaff]

You seem to be determined to make this about race. It's not about race. The vast majority of white people do not have blond hair. Your mixed race children are not being discriminated against in the beauty pageant comments by your MIL because they are mixed race. She just has a thing about blond hair. It's weird, but not uncommon and I have no answer why blond hair is considered to be so attractive.

Putting myself in your shoes I would be delighted if my MIL commented on my dcs achievements rather than their appearance. I think it is very very sad for your DN that the only thing people notice about her is her looks. That's not great for all manner of reasons.

[Comedycook]

@Wheatfromchaff

You seem to be determined to make this about race. It's not about race. The vast majority of white people do not have blond hair. Your mixed race children are not being discriminated against in the beauty pageant comments by your MIL because they are mixed race. She just has a thing about blond hair. It's weird, but not uncommon and I have no answer why blond hair is considered to be so attractive.

Putting myself in your shoes I would be delighted if my MIL commented on my dcs achievements rather than their appearance. I think it is very very sad for your DN that the only thing people notice about her is her looks. That's not great for all manner of reasons.

It is not a consciously racist opinion. It's sub conscious bias and years of having western beauty standards re-enforced

[Welbru]

"I think there's a hint of racism to it... subconsciously. It's the whole western beauty standard thing isn't it? Skinny and blonde being seen as the ideal. "

Slim, not skinny and blonde, but also TANNED skin so not too white.

[OhGiveUp]

My hair is naturally blonde and thick, my sister and daughter have the same. We're not British.
It never darkened with age, instead
grey hairs arrived on mine which makes it look even lighter.
The one thing that pissed me off more than anything else is....men asking if the collar matches the cuff.
It sends me into a rage!!
Wankers!!!!

[pocpocpoc]

@OhGiveUp

My hair is naturally blonde and thick, my sister and daughter have the same. We're not British.
It never darkened with age, instead
grey hairs arrived on mine which makes it look even lighter.
The one thing that pissed me off more than anything else is....men asking if the collar matches the cuff.
It sends me into a rage!!
Wankers!!!!

How horrible! Pigs.

[Timetoreflect]

@NotMyCat I’ve got mousy hair and pale freckly skin. My dad had black hair and olive skin, my mum a red head. I got a sludge combo of that. When I started senior school in 1984 there were about 3 girls in the 6th form who had long red curls. I could never take my eyes off them. Amazing hair.

[BungleandGeorge]

Most of the world have brown hair and brown eyes, people comment when colouring is striking and different. Ditto curly hair as most is straight. Asians with blue eyes get a lot of comments, as do red heads, I think the eye is naturally drawn to contrast. In my experience it’s commented on most in countries where most people look different to that person- not always in a positive way though. Perhaps it’s just your MIL preference or perhaps your niece is unusually pretty and noticeable

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

My colleague dyes her blonde hair black and other colours. She has had years of abuse from her family for dying her hair and rude comments from random people about what a shame it is that she dyes her hair and how she's spoiling her looks. She looks great.

[Buppers]

@Comedycook

It baffles me too. As a child in the 1980s I remember being made to feel vastly inferior next to the blonde girls in my class. The teachers and parents would fawn all over them and they'd get special treatment. Vomit!

I am blonde and never had special treatment. Thankfully, nobody at my school (selective independent girls' school in the 70s-80s) was judged on their looks, height, weight, ethnicity or anything else. We were just a collection of clever girls who were expected to go on to Oxbridge. I lived in a city which was not a white enclave (my particular suburb was, but the city as a whole wasn't), Nobody gave a shiny shit about our hair colour. And rightly so.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

pocpocpoc

MrsSkylerWhite
GigglingElephant

I could never work out, as a child, why all the fairy tales had heroines who were blonde - usually described as 'golden hair'. Used to annoy me. (I'm white with dark hair).“

Snow White’s your gal.
Well, I didn't grow up here. And in my fairy tales the girls had thick black long hair.“

Good point, hadn’t looked at it that way. Brothers Grimm were responsible for most fairy tales we hear in Europe , which probably explains the blonde hair.

[HooverIsAlwaysBroken]

@pocpocpoc I think possibly it could be race in some cases… I don’t know, I have never thought about it before.

Just a question, do you live somewhere where being blonde is common? I think the rarity factor goes beyond the family, takes the surroundings into account.

I am Scandinavian, grew up there on the country side. All my cousins and their children have blue eyes and blonde hair, some really white blonde. It really was nothing special and with everyone white blonde, nobody got extra attention.

I live in the UK now and blonde hair is more rare here. However, I am still of the mindset that blue eyes and white blonde hair is nothing special (re -enforced every time I go home). I genuinely think that those dark curls on that little boy (and his gorgeous, black mother) is 100 times more special than my (and my children’s) flat, blonde hair.

But again, I make a huge effort not to mention looks ever. I think women and girls are defined by their looks too often and it is very limiting (and sometimes truly harmful).

[Wheatfromchaff]

'It is not a consciously racist opinion. It's sub conscious bias and years of having western beauty standards re-enforced'

Bollocks. It's really not.

[Backstreetsbackalrightdadada]

Oh god this is the same for blue eyes (I do have blue eyes). It’s so SO weird if people go on about them…. Like my favourite colour is brown and boyf has lush deep brown eyes, love them, really mesmerising and intense 😍 OP the best thing about this thread is you seeing through the bullshit - keep it up!!! Never let your kids get impacted by this bull, so disappointing of your in laws (and FYI your partner should sort that).

[1FootInTheRave]

Most people around here (nw England) are blonde/mousey.

Dh is blonde (blue eyes), my hair is dark brunette (green eyes), all our dc are blonde and each one has different coloured eyes.

[NotExactlyHappyToHelp]

@NotMyCat

I've always wanted blonde straight hair that you can blast with a hairdryer and be out the door
I got red curls

I have this exact hair. Poker straight, blonde and dried in 5 minutes. I’ll swap you. I’d adore red curls.

[Eeiliethya]

@Bluntness100

I’ve genuinely never witnessed this in my life.

Same.

I'm blonde and it pisses me off because I'm sure these are just blonde bashing threads in disguise.

[enoughforme]

YANBU I her the same and it riles me, purely because someone is blind they are considered automatically more attractive even if sometimes they're actually not. And if they have blue eyes to accompany them oh my, all hell breaks loose!

Its a weird thing, and yes I do think it has racist connotations to it if im honest. As it's considered the 'ideal' of European beauty standards and we know the problems that have stemmed from this way of thinking (slavery to name one)

[Backstreetsbackalrightdadada]

I was going to ask if blonds are common in your area… in our (v white) area they’re not… but definitely can still be about race because yes we’re told subliminally (?) what is “beauty” and its bollocks… but it’s a cultural thing too, the Ad men got this idea from people before us … vikings?!

[MarshaBradyo]

I find some children’s hair really beautiful not just blonde though

Auburn, dark golden, dark brunette and white to dark blonde

I notice it sometimes, I’d never say anything though just in case it’s unwelcome

[Miseryl]

I would love to have blonde hair but only because it would be so easy to dye bright colours! My ideal hair colour is bright red and I am dark brown so have to bleach it to death first. 😄

[MarshaBradyo]

As a blonde though, although highlighted now, lighter when young - in some countries it can be quite intense

[Novelusername]

If it's any consolation, I have naturally blonde hair and as a child it was really light. It's all anyone ever commented on and not being a 'girly girl' anyway I absolutely hated it. I think it made me become a feminist from a young age, because I felt so objectified, I wished people would ask me about what books I was reading rather than going on about my physical appearance, being shy anyway it made me feel even more self-conscious. I also have a hard time from men in general, street harassment etc, and it's worse when trying to travel abroad. I've tried dying it, but it doesn't really suit me other colours because of my skin tone. I've also always hated how the mean, bitchy dumb girls in every teen movie have blonde hair - don't know how they get away with it, actually, and it's not like it reflects real life, bitchy females come in all different colourings. People can just be really funny about blonde hair, going on about whether it's 'real' or not. They ask me if I dye it, and then don't believe me when I say I don't , as though if I did that would make me some sort of a slag/bimbo etc. You get this kind of attitude from women as well as men. It would be nice if someone took your relatives aside and told them that they aren't doing the granddaughter whose looks they're gushing about any favours.

[gemloving]

I have no clue why but when people meet my little boy (2 1/2), often they mention the fact that he's tall, got very blonde hair and blue eyes. It is strange, I agree!

[pocpocpoc]

@MarshaBradyo

As a blonde though, although highlighted now, lighter when young - in some countries it can be quite intense

I know what you mean. But we are in the UK, the village is full of blonde people. The rest are mousy brown. We do stand out with our black hair and I just find it so damaging, this constant undermining of my children on account of looking different.