My 5 year old

[BakedTattie]

I can’t cope with my 5 year old any more. I have thought for so long that something isn’t right but nobody listens to me, or I get the whole - he’ll grow out of it, it’s a phase, boys will be boys.

He is extremely aggressive. To me especially, but also his dad and sister. I have seen him do it with grandparents also. This is beyond meltdowns, he will literally fly off the handle at the smallest little thing. Everyday I’m in tears because of him. It’s exhausting tiptoeing round him and us all watching what we say or do incase he flies off in a rage.

I’ve tried everything, have contacted people to help (who say it’s normal?) reward charts, punishments, talking to him, reasoning, begging, blackmail, time out step, separating him, putting him in his room, cuddling him, talking quietly, rewarding all good behaviour and (trying to!) ignore the bad, time on his own, time with friends, keeping him entertained, giving him space and time. Nothing works.

When he comes out of the rage (which can last minutes or hours) he is completely back to his loving, kind, funny wee self. He’s so lovely when he’s not in these rages. Honestly he’s hilarious and so cuddly and loving. I chat to him about his behaviour after, and he is always sorry and says he won’t do it again. But he has said he can’t control it. Even if I pre-empt it, I can’t stop The rage happening.

He’s like a Jekyll and Hyde. And I’m tired, tired of him hurting us, tired of crying, tired of feeling desperate.

He’s been like this since the age of 2. He would bite us as hard as he could. It progressed into hitting, kicking etc. Now he will do anything to hurt us when he’s in a rage. He will throw things, find things of mine and destroy them, hit, kick, punch, slap, pull hair, scratch, slam doors on me. Anything he can to hurt me (or whoever it is)

I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t. I took both kids out this morning, he wanted a bike ride. So we went a bike ride, stopped at the park and played a bit. All happy. Then we got home and he tripped going up the step. He didn’t fall. But I kind of caught him and said oops clumsy and smiled at him, and he went fucking batshit crazy. So now I’m sitting here in tears, wondering why I ever had children and why I’m such a awful mother.

It’s happening daily. I’ve spoke to the school about it who apparently ‘could never believe him to be like that!’. So he doesn’t do it there.

Is this normal? If so, how the hell do I cope with this? It’s making me not like him, and I don’t want to feel like that as I love him so so much.

I’m contemplating calling the docs tomorrow. Don’t even know what they can do. But I need help. Dh works full time and is a brill dad but it’s mainly left to me as I’m the only mainly with our son.

Please be kind, I’m at my wits end.

Please don't contemplate the doctors, please do it. This does sound out of the realms of normal behaviour. The fact that he doesn't do it at school doesn't mean it is your parenting that is at fault, he could be 'masking'. Children can and do save these behaviours for where they feel safest and it is not unusual for them to be able to control it in public but not at home.

That must be so hard for you. It sounds like an autistic meltdown which happens when there is a sensory overload. If it is he really can't help it. I would recommend trying to keep a note of what happens just before the meltdowns to help identify triggers and definitely talk to your gp.

Ring cahms yourself.. GP don't refer now.

That sounds really tough

Definitely what bloodywhitecat said. Push for some help. I'd start with a Psychologist if you can get an assessment.
Google the Coke Can Analogy. It's about autistic kids but it's definitely true for my not-autistic 4 year old too...might help explain why he doesn't do it at school.

My DS is like this but he's 9 and has an Autism diagnosis.
Does he have any other problems that point to Autism? It might be worth reading up on it.

I would not recommend CAHMS, they didn't want to know when our GP referred him. Just sent us a flyer for a supper group we already belong to.

• support group

I can't really help but my daughter gets the rage which I think is within the realms of normal but it can be very difficult to find a way out of it.

What has really helped us recently is that when she's furious to say 'I can see you are really angry, can you draw how angry you are?' Cue lots of angry scribbling but it gets less angry over time and she calms down.

Just an idea which might help diffuse the situation.

Have you tried anger management? Tell your GP about this - counselling / anger management is often something that’s recommended as a first step now & if that doesn’t work you can find the Mh / CAMHs referral gets taken more seriously / urgently. You should tell your school too in case they see behaviours that might make a diagnosis easier down the line.

Was also about to suggest autism, we had an excellent improvement in our childs behaviour simply by moving them to a different school they were masking and reaching their limit and unleashing hell at home. The first school had noticed tics and and were trying to fit them i think into a round hole by force. 2nd school understand my child is different and lets them thrive as a square peg the difference in 1 year has been mindblowing! Not every setting is suitable for all.

Thank you all, you have no idea how relieved I am
To not just to told, he’ll grow out of it.

I was thinking more it was maybe an adhd? I hadn’t even considered autism at all. We had doubts when he was much younger that he maybe had autism but the health visitor laughed at me when I asked.

I will phone the gp tomorrow and also self refer to cahms. Ive heard there’s a 2 year waiting list - is paying privately an option?

I actually considered dropping him at the gp’s today and telling them I can’t cope anymore. That’s how desperate I am.

I would Google PDA, and see if anything resonates. My daughter (ASD and demand avoidant, but not PDA) was very similar at that age, and it was exhausting. Implementing strategies for autism and demand avoidance was a complete game changer. Firm boundaries, traditional parenting, strict consequences made everything so, so much worse. She is now 9, and still struggles, but her behaviour is a dream. It’s not you, he just has different needs that aren’t being met by traditional parenting. It will be a lot of detective work to discover what triggers him, but it’s worth it. Look at sensory issues - sounds, textures etc. Transitions - even things like moving from watching tv to not watching tv can be hugely stressful. Avoiding direct commands, so when you have put your coat on, then we can go, rather than just put your coat on. Although, sometimes using timers is helpful - when the timer sounds, then this will happen. Then you are not giving the command, the timer is.

Sorry, this got long! May all be irrelevant, but all places to start.

Sounds very like my autistic 10 year old son. He was very good at masking in school and its only now as he gets older and with more pressures on him that his 'masking' is slipping in school. Speak with GP but my GP told us it was best if any referral for assessment came from school. Lucky, we have a very support school that believed what was happening at home.

Give Young Minds a call. My daughter has extreme anxiety and possibly OCD (she's not diagnosed with anything yet, we're going through the process) and I started accessing help by calling them. They are great - we had lots of good advice from the helpline but we also had a follow up call with a psychologist who was super helpful. I've also spoken to our GP but after I had spoken to Young Minds so I knew that I was asking the right person for the right thing.
Can't recommend them enough youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/#parents-helpline

Oh man, I was coming to say he sounds a lot like my 5 year old. Who we have not figured out yet. Then I saw PDA and googled it and it is her, 100% her.

While trying to figure out what is going on I do recommend seeing an occupational therapist. Of all the people we have talked to, the OT has given us the most practical help, even though she couldn’t diagnose a cause, she did very much help with working out what the triggers are and ideas on how to deal with those

Just to add - I wouldn’t wait for a referral before trying different strategies. The diagnosis pathways for any neurodivergent conditions can be very long. Worth reading “The Explosive Child” too - this is isn’t about any particular condition, just behaviour based, which is useful.