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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel a bit shut out

16 replies

yesterdayschild · 29/07/2021 11:06

Such a long story but will keep it short. Mum died when I was 8 brother 3 and older sister 12. We all had a horrible life after with 2 more mothers and a father who was handy with his fists. He never put a head stone on our mums grave and until recently, we did not have the money to do this. My sister and I are close but brother had drifted apart from us. Anyway I have found out my brother had recently had a head stone put on mums grave which is wonderful. My sister and I want to pay towards this but he his having none of it, and just says its done now. We were not asked what we wanted on the headstone and knew nothing about it so at least let us have some involvement by paying towards the cost.

OP posts:

buzzandwoodyallday · 30/07/2021 15:03

Your brother did a nice thing. Thank him for his generosity and forget about it. You're overthinking this.

StoneofDestiny · 30/07/2021 15:39

Just be glad he's done a lovely thing. Concentrate on getting on with your future with your brother and sister.

MimiSunshine · 30/07/2021 15:50

I disagree with PP. I do t think that’s something he should have done without discussing it you first.
My sibling would be very upset if I had done that.

AZFell · 30/07/2021 15:54

Just say thanks. My mum hasn't got a headstone either because myself and my siblings can't afford it.

BlueSurfer · 30/07/2021 16:04

I think he should have given you the heads up and discussed the wording, but if he wants to pay for it then I would let him.

NeedNewKnees · 30/07/2021 16:05

He’s done a nice thing to honour your mother.

venusandmars · 30/07/2021 16:23

Maybe you can plant some spring bulbs, bring flowers, add other things to reflect your memories...

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 16:26

I think he should have mentioned it and asked if you liked the inscription, but I think it's nice he covered the whole cost.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 16:28

he should have involved you both I think, but I'm sure it wasn't malicious on his part. Maybe use the money for something else you can add to the grave, like a statue or some nice plants?

Sleepingdogs12 · 30/07/2021 16:49

I assume he thinks he did a nice thing but I can see why you think it should've been a joint decision. Perhaps donate to a charity in her honour if you want to?

suspiria777 · 30/07/2021 18:37

I feel like in this scenario you have two options: conflict or compassion.

You could choose to interpret his behaviour in the least charitable way possible, and to be insulted or chagrined by his actions, and consider everything he has done to be malicious and spite.

You could choose to appreciate the nice thing he did, say thankyou, and maintain/strengthen/achieve a closer relationship with your siblings, and perhaps following his good example, find another way to honour your mum's memory too.

I know which option i'd choose, and it wouldn't be the one that involves pain, conflict and resentment.

Original poster

yesterdayschild · 30/07/2021 22:31

How would he have felt if I had put the headstone on and not told him. Created the head stone inscription without asking him? I am glad it is on as I could not afford it on my own but if the shoe was on the other foot I would never have heard the end of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

yesterdayschild · 30/07/2021 22:34

He is angry with ME because I left home at 15 due to my step mother and father beating the sh*t out of me on a regular basis for no reason. He feels I left him behind alone as my sister had already been thrown out by my step mother.

OP posts:

Original poster

yesterdayschild · 30/07/2021 22:39

I could not take my brother with me, I was 15 no job no money and just leaving school. I stayed on someones sofa for 6 months until I got a job. My father was a cruel sadistic pig who had the money for a head stone but preferred to spend it on his 3rd wife.

OP posts:

suspiria777 · 31/07/2021 09:35

Just because you had no other option but to leave doesn't make your brother's feelings of abandonment then any less valid. However much he may even logically recognise that you had to leave, he was still left on his own in that environment. You don't need to feel guilty, but hopefully you can understand why he feels as he does?

As I said above, you have two choices: double down on being combative, resistant, resentful and having a friction-filled relationship with your brother, or act with a view to having a better relationship -- which probably means finding a way of stopping being angry.

Josette77 · 31/07/2021 09:59

Your brother has no memories of your mom and grew up in chaos. It sounds like he's done well for himself and he likely does feel abandoned. You weren't wrong, but neither are his feelings. Say thank you and take it for the lovely gesture it is.

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