To feel like they're taking the piss a bit

[Clocktopus]

I feel like a shitty friend for thinking this way but I feel as if my friends are taking the piss and I don't know how to bring it up with them without causing ill feelings.

For all appearances I'm a SAHM, in actuality I'm a carer for my two disabled DC (ASD) and I have a small business that I run from home but it's fairly ad hoc and I choose my own hours which is how I like it as it fits around everything else.

My friends seem to think this all means I'm available to water their plants, feed their fish, look after their pets when they go away, dogsit while they're working, and provide childcare as and when needed. I don't mind helping my friends and they do reciprocate if I need it but I don't need it as often as they do so the reciprocation isn't equal. As awful as this sounds too, I find other people's children and pets to be hard work. My own are accustomed to my ways and my habits so we all slot together and are settled into a pattern that works for us all but then an outside dog/cat/child who has a totally different set of needs drops in and the whole apple cart turns to shit. It takes ages to get that equilibrium back afterwards. I hope that makes sense, I'm sure other parents of disabled DC and particularly autistic DC will understand what I mean.

They go on how I'm so calm and capable, that nothing fazes me, that they don't know how I do it, etc. and they don't seem to realise how much work goes into all of that or how finely balanced my life is. My DC seem so chilled out because a lot of work on my part goes into making sure their needs are met and that they don't reach a state of disregulation. Having random dogs and children here upsets that routine, they get resentful, and they end up having meltdowns. My friends seem to think reasoning with them will fix this, one of them even offer to have a chat with my DC to help them understand the situation I want to respond that not having other people's problems landed on me would fix it overnight. I'm sympathetic to my friends, I know what it's like to have to juggle responsible it is not my problem that they have a dog and want to go on holiday and it's not my problem that the weather is hot and their garden might shrivel and its not my problem that their childminder isn't well but they're making it my problem because "Clock will help me out". No. I won't. I will pour you a large wine and listen to you rant about your bad day, I'll even join in, but I'm not the solution to your problems. I have my own life and my own problems and you're heaping more onto my already full plate.

How do I start saying no without looking like I'm being a dick?

Just say no 🤷‍♀️

No advice but feel your pain. Carer to an only child with ASD. If I hear one more person tell me they are doing me a favour by giving me their child to care for as a playmate for mine (who does not people well at all) I will not be responsible for my actions!

You need to say no. 'That won't work for me and isn't good for DC'.

Just say what you've said here - your family works well in your routine and other kids and animals upset that. I would emphasise the importance of your way of working and the impact it has on your children's needs. Highlight that you are their carer. And that you are working.

Any decent friend would understand.

Sorry I will have to say no as the dc are unsettled by any new routine... I am sure you understand..

I sympathise OP but you are part of the problem by saying yes all the time. It's not a coincidence that everyone asks you to do everything, plenty of SAHP or people working from home don't get shat on like this. And I think that when you become less available you might be shocked that some people aren't as friendly to you any more of you are no longer as 'useful'.

You say now, before they bring it up, that from x date (obviously I wouldn't leave anyone in the lurch if you've agreed to something next week) you are no longer able to pet sit.

There are a few options so do whatever suits you. Leave it as that as you don't owe them an explanation. Lie and say you or one of the kids has developed allergies/ fear of animals or something. Or be honest and say your kids are disabled, you're their full time carer and it's too much to care for an animal on top, both for you in terms of caregiving and the kids in terms of their routine. Just be prepared that they will argue back and say 'but the dog will just fit into your routine', 'but the cat will look after itself' etc. Just be firm.
Likewise with the watering, no one is going to die if you dont do it, just say oh no sim busy that week sorry. There are lots of other solutions for them!

If they wanted kids or dogs they are their responsibility.

Although I’d never see anybody stuck I’d refuse to be taken for granted.

I used to have a dog pre DC,now our life is incompatible with the dog so we don’t and won’t have one.

Garden is getting watered as and when I can.

Friends will mind my kids while I have medical appointments,favour is reciprocated and nobody takes a piss.

Piss takers have learned the hard way that it doesn’t pay to lie about medical appointment when having your hair done or your 2 year old car needs MOT.

Just say “No,it doesn’t work for me”. You don’t have to explain yourself to anybody and real friends don’t take advantage.

OP, you sound lovely, and have helped your friends massively over time as well as trying to balance home and life, but something has to give and home comes first.
I have been in the same position as you, two ASD dc, trying to please everyone (still do sometimes until DH reins me back in).
Now each time one of them asks a favour, just say no.

Learn to say no. They sound like CFs but it is up to you to set boundaries.

I'd just say you're snowed under with work! Everyone is doing some kind of juggling act so it's hard for people to envisage how much more work goes into looking after kids with different needs. People think you can 'just' do this or that and that the kids will cope or that it's 'not that bad'.

On the other hand, people do understand work, so if you say 'my work is really busy at the moment' they are much less likely to come up with helpful 'solutions' and accept that you're not available. It's frustrating that people try and claim your time, but you don't owe them longwinded (or even factually accurate!) explanations, so go with the easiest option and give yourself a break!!

They go on how I'm so calm and capable, that nothing fazes me, that they don't know how I do it, etc.

They need you to be calm and capable so they can continue to take the piss A LOT.

OP, they're selfish twats and they reciprocate on little things to keep you beholden.

You're a SAHM to take care of and a be a carer to your disabled children, not to provide child care for takers friends.

Please say no to them.

YABU because the only person who can put a stop to this is YOU.

Your friends have no interest in doing so because this will inconvenience them.

Just say no. I have an asdchild and understand, but this aside they are CF’ers anyway

I ‘had’ a friend like this, wanted regular childcare (for free of course), wanted to come for Christmas etc, no thought that my asd child would struggle or we were actualky struggling with other areas of our lives! Plus I dont really want to babysit in the evenings or have children at mine that my DS doesnt play with etc

I would say exactly as you've said in your OP, put an announcement on FB or send to everyone on WhatsApp or email it, if they are real friends they'll understand and maybe even apologise for taking you for granted

You just need to learn how to say no. You have enough going on without them constantly adding to your load.

No it upsets the DC too much and I can't cope with it.

Blimey, how many posters actually read the last line of the post? The OP is asking for HOW to say no without looking like a dick. Just saying "You need to say no" isn't the most helpful.

OP, I would start off responding to requests with a "Oh no, I can't at the moment, DC has been having a rough time atm and the change in routine will just be too much for them right now" It feels softer, because it sounds temporary, and you're asking for respite, not change. It also gets people used to not relying on you, and sorting out alternatives.

Then after a while you shift it to, you've really noticed the difference in DC without the regular disruptions to routine, and you've realised just how much it had built up over time. So you just can't commit to big changes, even to help out friends, it's not fair on your DC. Optionally you can say that you're happy to help out with small things occasionally, the odd day here an there etc, but you don't have to.

If they’re your friends, you can be honest. Explain that it makes things hard for your children and leads to meltdowns. Explain that you’ve always tried to be helpful but going forward you have to prioritise the needs of your own children and animals. If they won’t accept this, they’re users not friends.

if you want a gentle way to refuse, you might say "I've had advice that I need to reduce/eliminate (insert phrase here eg stress/ changes/people being CF's) from my lifestyle for the health of my children. Sorry but i know you will understand that my children come first"

@Clocktopus
If it makes it easier shift the blame to someone else!

You have recently been talking to consultant/therapist/support worker/expert who has made it very clear that a settled routine is very important at the moment. You are sure they understand that this has to be your priority.

A quick search found lots of articles confirming that this is an absolute truth so you could send a link, then thank them for their understanding.

Oh and don’t try to help to solve their problems. That is exactly what I do and it is self-defeating.

Good luck, you have worked so hard to get to a place that works for you.

@godmum56

Great minds x-posted!

If saying no makes your friends think you are being a Dick get new friends.

Tell them that you've been taking on too much and you are from now on going to need to focus on your work and children. New people/change of routine makes it hard for your children – and no, thank you, they won't be required to 'chat with your DC to help them understand the situation'.

And I agree with this: If saying no makes your friends think you are being a dick get new friends.

The easiest way is probably to blame work. Come up with a few phrases and practice saying. Don’t feel guilty. I can’t due to my work commitments today/this week/this month.