DH works hard but is a grumpy old man

[Allinadayswork80]

This is a long one!

Ok some background.....I’ve been with my bf for 3 and a half years. I have a 9yr old daughter from a previous relationship and together we have a 6mth old baby. He’s 10yrs older than me (altho he initially lied about his age to me) and is a tradesman. He’s always wanted a family/children but it had never happened for him, until I came along. When we met he was this lively, cheerful character who, despite his age, came across as young at heart and still very active, loving bmx/snowboarding/etc. We moved forward quickly with our relationship and moved in together after just 3mths as it seemed we both knew what we wanted. He is a hard working man, sometimes too hard imo, but insists he loves his job and is very good at it, plus he earns a decent enough pay to support us. He always insisted how important he felt it was for a mother to be with the baby and that he would never expect me to go back to work if we had a baby etc.

Fast forward to now, I seem to have ended up with a grumpy resentful old man! I have suffered from depression in the past and am very much an ‘empath‘, absorbing the energy and feelings of those around me so I need to have a positive energy in my life. I‘ve now started dreading him coming home from work as he brings the whole environment down, he walks in sighing and tired, moaning about the hard day he’s had. He’s absorbed in himself, barely asks how our day has been as clearly anything that has happened to us pales into insignificance compared to HIS terrible day. He’s snappy with my daughter (whom he declares to love as his own) and with me. He just wants to put his feet up, be fed and fall asleep on the sofa. However there is a baby to look after. And a young dog. Both of which were joint decisions. If I ask him to help or do anything, he generally will but I have to ask and it’s under duress. He used to play with my daughter and take her for bike rides but this has stopped. He’s (finally) admitted that having a baby is harder than he envisaged, I warned him and he insisted he knew what’s involved, having 4 nephews and nieces (!). I do ALL the nights with baby as he can’t possibly be disturbed as he has work the next day, this seems to fall to weekends too and in the nearly 6mths I’ve NEVER been able to have a full night‘s sleep where he helps with baby. Mostly because he doesn’t wake up when she cries anyway (or chooses not to...). In fact he’s only just started sleeping back in our bed, choosing the sofa so he wasn’t disturbed.

When I comment that he needs to help me more, with the kids/dog/house I often get the line that “HE works and has to bring the money in”. If all he’s going to be is a ‘wage’ then maybe I’d rather be on my own and happy with my babies. I’ve done it before and can do it again. But then I’d have another failed relationship behind me with yet another man’s child.

For balance he can be lovely, kind, funny and fun - it’s all in there and that’s the one I love, it’s just clouded by being tired all the time. He’s not depressed and is trying to adjust his diet to give him more energy, but often he can’t be bothered with the extra effort of preparing his lunch etc and I’ve got enough on my plate in the mornings/evenings with 2 kids, a dog to exercise and a house to look after.

I don’t know, AIBU and expecting too much of him? I don’t feel it’s more than he offered up. I feel deceived and now if we broke up I’D be the bitch breaking up a family and taking his baby away and I know it would be messy. His friends and work colleagues all still get the happy lively man, it’s just me that gets the miserable one. I feel resented for being on maternity leave as obviously it’s all sunshine and roses for me every day! I’ll be going back to work in a few months and am dreading it as I’ll then be working AND still doing everything with the kids/house/dog. He uses his age as a defence for being the way he is, I reply that he chose this lifestyle and insisted it’s what he’s always wanted. I suspect the reality isn’t quite what he expected.

I don’t WANT to break up, but what do I do? I feel so down today as off he trudged again this morning, all grumpy and it brings me down for the day. I want back the man that I first met, but I worry that this one is the reality and it’s only going to worsen as he gets even older. I feel I’ve still got so much life in me.

Does anyone else have a tradesman DH? What are they like when they get home?

I feel so sad and despairing right now 😢

How old is he? Leave him, he sounds awful.

Without being a bitch....this is why you don't move in with someone after 3 months! Especially when you have a child! What were you thinking?

How old IS he?

You have to accept you cannot change him. He does not want to actively parent. Your choices are doing it all alone, with him there being miserable and you being resentful. Or doing it all alone and free to do your own thing.

Being a tradie is nothing to do with it, he’s a grump.

Talk to him. If talking can’t make him change I’d rather break up than have someone like that bringing me down forever. It’s not fair on the kids either to have a parent like that in their faces every day.

Is he in pain? My DP is a farrier and 58 years old. He also works terribly hard on our farm. Sometimes he's very quiet and it's because he just aches by the evening. He's not going to stop working hard, that's just who he is.
I'm 64 and have two adult sons, and he has no children so our home life is peaceful.
To be honest, I managed two young children and full-time work. My first husband was a nightmare. Look, it's not easy but you can manage a baby, a house and a child. Try to make his home life more peaceful I think he's maybe exhausted and in pain. I know it sounds terribly 50s but you may all be a lot happier. You're very lucky to have the chance to be at home with your baby. I think it's better than being entirely on your own with two children and full-time work. Under those circumstances it's heartbreaking leaving a baby in care.

You walked straight into that one didn’t you!!

Now he has a kid and a women at home who is not financially dependent on him...Yh, it was obvious it was all a put on.

3 months!!! That’s your own Tom foolery! I feel for you but it’s the oldest trick in the book!

Looking after a baby and keeping up a home which is lived in during the day is a 24 HOUR job.

His job is working hours at the minute and it finishes when he leaves work.

Can you explain this to him? If he truly thinks like that then tell him that fair enough you will put the baby in full time childcare so you can work and let him know how much it costs….

You are at home with the baby because you can’t bring a wage in, and you don’t get sodding paid for that do you? You are the childcare right now which is work itself whilst you are on maternity, and you can’t clock out at 5pm.

Yes he might be tired but so are you it’s fucking exhausting and tbh I’d rather be at work than go through the newborn/toddler stages again my daughter was exhausting. (I’m not cold hearted really I loved every second of being present in her growing up, but you get my point.)

That attitude stinks it really does and it’s lazy.

I get that being a new parent is a shock and it’s hard but you have no choice to adapt. If money isn’t too much of an issue can he drop a day so he can get to be at home more? My ex was like this worked full time but when he got home he expected his tea made and to put his feet up and weekends were his relax time. I was studying my undergrad whilst I had her too and it was awful because I was trying to do that and needed around the clock. Never mind you having a 9 year old as well I feel for you.

At the very least he should be pulling his weight at the weekends!

Oh by the way I have a tradesman DP as well.

He works very long days up at 5.30am and Monday and Tuesday nights and doesn’t get home until around 10pm sometimes. When he gets back he picks up what I’m in the middle of doing, usually washing up or taking the recycling out.

He gets grumpy about half the time especially towards the weekend when he is tired and I put a glass of whiskey in his hand and ask him what he needs and we figure it out together. I do this because when he gets grumpy he acknowledges it and he apologises and tried to leave it at the door. If he’s grumpy because he’s tired he sleeps. If he’s grumpy because he’s had a bad day we talk about it, but not before he asks me about my day. It takes two to partnership and your partner is being an ass. Having a long physical job is not an excuse for poor behaviour.

You two need to have a chat!

So how does he think working single mothers cope? He’s lazy and entitled, he doesn’t get to opt out of parenting just because he works like the vast majority of us do. You need to tell him you’ve had enough, he’s bringing nothing to the relationship anymore except money, and that’s not enough reason to love someone or want to be with them.

You tell him straight, things will need to change or the relationship is over.

You are partners not his personal skivvy.

It’s disgusting in 6 months he has never once got up to see to his child in the night, never mind to give you a break but just because when you hear a baby cry, you fucking get up and check they’re ok. Not just sleep through it like a big lazy piece of turd.

This is serious OP because your risk losing the best years of your life and inflicting a miserable home life on your DD, who is already suffering through his grumpy bullshit misogynistic crap.

It’s time to shit or get off the pot - yes kids are hard and yes manual work is very hard and yes he’s a bit older than you but none of these are valid reasons to let you pick up all the slack. Not valid reasons to be a miserable prick 24/7

I couldn’t take it, my DP can be a bit of a neg because he’s a worrier and overthinker by nature and it grinds me down, luckily I can say to him Jesus stop negging me out and he gets it.

Time to shit or get off the pot, he changes and you find compromise and support in the relationship or you split up. And so what if he paints you as “the bitch” - that’s nothing new. They’ve been doing that shit to us for centuries.

I’d rather be a happy bitch in my own sweet relaxing company than stuck with a miserable old bastard who only sees me as a maid

I’m not defending his behaviour at all, the grumpiness is unacceptable.
But maybe the two of you need to look for solutions, or ways to improve the situation.
Perhaps at his age he can no longer cope with the hours and physical exertion of his job. When you go back to work and are bringing in an income, could he reduce his hours a little, to be less exhausted?
Has he checked with his GP that there is no health issue causing his tiredness?
The more worrying possibility is that he is now regretting having a baby so quickly without realising the disruption and work it entails, and is grumpy because he feels trapped and wants out.
Whatever is going on, the two of you need to start communicating to find a way forward - either adjusting the work/domestic balance for both of you, or negotiating a separation.

You moved in together after 3 months, you're thinking of breaking up because you are both tired and grumpy, seems like you rush into things! You are tired from full time parenting, he is tired from full time manual work, you are both caught in a spiral. Can you get a babysitter and have a Saturday off together? Do something you both enjoy or just rest together. How financial stable are you - could you afford for him to reduce his hours at work when you go back, so that you are both working but both get more time at home? Have a conversation about sharing tasks in the evening, eg one person cooks dinner and prepares lunches for the next day while the other person does bath time with the baby and helps the older child with homework. You both need to be more sympathetic and supportive of each other. Having a young family is hard for everyone, and without wishing to offend, comments such as "you told him it would be hard/he chose this lifestyle" probably just make him feel alienated from the family dynamic - you're the baby expert and he's the naive new father.

That’s shocking behaviour on his part. Sounds as though he’s a bit older and has no idea what modern family life should be. At first I read your post as though he was happy you’d given up work completely. You’re only on mat leave so still in employment.

My advice would be, have the children looked after or in bed. Sit down quietly and calmly discuss everything that you have said on here.

Explain exactly what you all NEED from him and how his behaviour is making you feel. Use this tool - I think, I need, I feel. No one can argue about how you feel etc. Don’t let it get into personal attacks, keep it simple. If he’s not willing to accept responsibility or work at changing his attitude, explain that you are seriously re evaluating the relationship.

If this fails, then I’d make plans for myself and my children to leave.

Meanwhile, please take care of yourself

@Whitedeer

Is he in pain? My DP is a farrier and 58 years old. He also works terribly hard on our farm. Sometimes he's very quiet and it's because he just aches by the evening. He's not going to stop working hard, that's just who he is. I'm 64 and have two adult sons, and he has no children so our home life is peaceful. To be honest, I managed two young children and full-time work. My first husband was a nightmare. Look, it's not easy but you can manage a baby, a house and a child. Try to make his home life more peaceful I think he's maybe exhausted and in pain. I know it sounds terribly 50s but you may all be a lot happier. You're very lucky to have the chance to be at home with your baby. I think it's better than being entirely on your own with two children and full-time work. Under those circumstances it's heartbreaking leaving a baby in care.

Terrible advice sorry.

I’m glad it worked out for you but just terrible, awful advice.

@Ohpulltheotherone I think @Whitedeer has given some reliable realistic advice, not terrible advice at all... You sound very bitter, shitting on your pot twice.

"He always insisted how important he felt it was for a mother to be with the baby and that he would never expect me to go back to work if we had a baby etc"

I'm afraid this is very often man speak, for I will Earn The Money and you will do absolutely everything else. And because I Earn The Money, I am more important than you, and the money is mine and you will do as you are told and have no further expectations of me whatsoever.

There's not much to be done about it sorry. Personally I would be looking for ways to do some training and get into a career of some sorts, so you have choices eventually.

Fuck me @whitedear the poor diddums "maybe exhausted and in pain... "
FFS the OP does everything in the home 24 hours 7 days a week!!! What about her exhaustion never getting a break from baby?

Its unacceptable he is snappy to your daughter, she deserves to feel safe and secure in her own home. I'm afraid this is the real him now. Lazy entitled miserable bastard. Why the fuck would you want to stay with him? Who cares if you're seen as the bitch for ending it? You're the one having to put up with it.

Everyone saying talk to him, OP said she already has! He aint gonna change they never do!!! You're doing everything by yourself, it will seem a damn lot easier without this dead weight round your neck.

@Whitedeer

Is he in pain? My DP is a farrier and 58 years old. He also works terribly hard on our farm. Sometimes he's very quiet and it's because he just aches by the evening. He's not going to stop working hard, that's just who he is. I'm 64 and have two adult sons, and he has no children so our home life is peaceful. To be honest, I managed two young children and full-time work. My first husband was a nightmare. Look, it's not easy but you can manage a baby, a house and a child. Try to make his home life more peaceful I think he's maybe exhausted and in pain. I know it sounds terribly 50s but you may all be a lot happier. You're very lucky to have the chance to be at home with your baby. I think it's better than being entirely on your own with two children and full-time work. Under those circumstances it's heartbreaking leaving a baby in care.

So because OP’s husband is a lazy waste of space, you’ve decided the poor darling is actually in pain and needs to be molly coddled and looked after while OP runs herself ragged doing everything. Doesn’t matter if OP is exhausted and run down, doesn’t matter if her needs are not being met, let’s just make sure the Man is Happy, that’s the Important Thing and The Meaning of Life. FFS, one of the stupidest dark ages posts I’ve read in ages.

No it won’t change it will just bring you down until it starts bringing out the worst in you too. Mine only changed once I retrained at 40 and now earn the same as him. The power shift was massive. Problem is after 20 years the scales have lifted and there’s too much resentment on my side to forgive

You moved in together after 3 months? At that stage, your then 6-year-old dd shouldn't have even met him, let alone him becoming her new daddy!

Far too quick, however what's done is done.

Now you have to do a lot of thinking about what's best for you and your two children.

Not in any way condoning his behaviour but the grumpiness could be down to:

His unrealistic expectations of family life

An expectation you will skivvy after him like his mum (if he’s really old school)

time catching up with him and he is in some pain at work but wont admit it.

Before bailing try having a serious talk about what you both want and expect going forwards. If you can’t agree, or it he won’t talk. Sadly it’s probably best to split.

Some great advice already.

He's stressed and tired, you're stressed and tired.

It sounds like he's mourning the loss of his bachelor days, but he has to grow up and accept his responsibilities.

Is his family a traditional one with the same dynamic?

Above all, communication is key here. Pull together as a unit, supporting each other equally and listening.

Ultimately, the lovely guy is still buried in there so all is not completely lost. There is hope.

It's a case of talking it through, respecting each others perspective and supporting each other. As suggested by others, a quiet evening either out or after bedtime where you are both back to being "you".

Work out a compromise and see how it works.

If you both realise it's just not salvageable then some serious decisions have to be made.

Just to add, my DH is an ancient tradie who's body is completely broken from decades of hard manual graft. I would recommend that your DP seriously reviews his work/work hours.

A great wage will never replace a knackered (constantly in pain) body and destroyed relationship. It's just not worth it and will only get worse.

I missed this bit - "His friends and work colleagues all still get the happy lively man, it’s just me that gets the miserable one."

So he's actively choosing to be moody and miserable with you. Sounds like he has some contempt for you. Could be emotional abuse. No way would I tolerate this.

Maybe ask to get your thread moved to relationships.