To feel bad for dumping an ex boyfriend?

[stmaw]

I’m in my mid 20s. I’ve been feeling guilty/bad about something which happened a few years ago. I almost feel like if anything bad happens to me, it’s because I did this.

I had a boyfriend for four years, and was part of his family. Very close to his mum, and we even went on a spa break away together etc. Things in the relationship were good, and I thought he was the one. He struggled with his mental health, and began being unkind towards me when drunk. Didn’t happen often, but once in a while. Otherwise he was wonderful, and loyal, just not to my taste looks wise.

In an effort to spice things up in the relationship, we decided to have a threeway with a guy that I had met at a works function. All perfectly consensual and spoken through.

The trouble is, I caught feelings for the other guy. I tried not to, and distanced myself etc. But by this point, I felt nothing for my ex. So it made things worse not better. I could also tell that I really hurt my ex by him being able to see that I had feelings for the other guy.

Long story short, I ended things with my ex bf. I was still friends with the other guy as we went to the same gym/running club, but he had a new girlfriend. They split up after around 6 months. After meeting up in a pub one night, one thing led to another, and we started being friends with benefits. A few months later, we both said we had feelings etc, and now we are officially ‘together.’

I just feel really bad inside, for doing this to someone. I obviously don’t regret ending things with my ex, in that the relationship was unsalvageable for me. But I do feel bad for getting feelings for another guy. As happy as I am with my new boyfriend (‘the other guy’), we both feel that how we met is fked up.

You had me at ‘He struggled with his mental health, and began being unkind towards me when drunk.”.

MH issues are not an excuse for abuse. Fuck him, you’re well rid. You acted on red flags.

Enjoy your new relationship.

It’s ridiculous to feel guilty for ditching someone troubled who was unpleasant to you when drunk and for whom you had come to feel nothing. You rightly ended things and several months later started a FWB relationship with someone which has turned into a romantic relationship. You did nothing at all wrong, apart from not ending a dead in the water relationship (that must have started very young) sooner, rather than trying to slice it up with a threesome.

The fact that you feel you met in a ‘fucked up way’ is neither here nor there. An old housemate of mine who met her now husband in the very early days of OLD was mortified by it because hey both thought it was a ‘saddo’ way to meet, and they had a carefully-constructed fictional story.

You are not obliged to stay in a relationship, full stop.

It doesn't matter whether the person has done anything wrong - you do not need an excuse to end a relationship if, for whatever reason, you no longer want it.

You didn't cheat. You're feelings just changed. You can't help that and you're entitled to leave whoever you want, regardless of any abusive behaviour or not.

You've done nothing wrong so I would really tell yourself that, move on and be happy with your new partner

Your feelings*