Taking on all mental load and offer help to others...

[Alreadyexhausted]

Nc as I tend to overshare then regret! Apologies for waffly/ incoherent nature of this post, I'm just trying to work out what's going on in my head .

I'm sitting here feeling overwhelmed already 1 week into the summer holidays. I feel my brain has reached its capacity for planning/ juggling/socialising.

For background, I have 2 young children- youngest starting school this year. I work in a demanding job in the nhs partime (0.8wte). It's hard to get time off in my team and extra cover is needed. My DH job - summer is quiet time and he is doing most of the childcare. We don't have any practical help from grandparents - too old/ not offering anyway)

However, I've realised I've put in a huge amount of the mental load with all the planning, organisation with holidays and working around the flexible start to school. I've booked eldest into activities which will keep her happy/ give DH a break. The days I'm off are the trickier ones - trips out, me hosting playdates etc. I find myself offering for people to come round mine or for me to help look after their kids to give them a break despite the fact I can barely keep up with housework etc and want to hide away. It means I'm putting in loads of effort on my days off - maybe to build up favours in case I need one in return?

Even today, it was a busy day with medical appts ( think dentist/ routine checkups) then onto phoning doc about repeat prescription, chasing summer camp place, sorting overdraft, the juggling and multitasking seems insane. I do struggle with organisation but I'm finding it really hard!

I know I'm not unreasonable, but how do I get out of taking on all the mental load? Stuff just doesn't get done if I leave it to do or its poorly thought though. I end up coming home to whinging/ emotional/bored kids or over indulged kids given fruit shoots/ ice creams etc instead of him getting out and burning off their energy.

And why do I seem to be some kind of martyr? Not just with DH, with everyone?! Its like a reflex i feel i need to offer help. I'm not normally this bad, this year I feel I've gone into overdrive....

On reflection reading the waffle back, I think this last year has run my resilience down but I'm not sure why I'm turning into a control freak trying to juggle more and offer more help?

You sound kind and helpful, but you need to work on boundaries and have a chat with your DH. I bet you are a lovely friend though.

Kids don't need constant activities organised for them. Let them entertain themselves.

I think you need to talk to your DH about doing his share of thinking, organising and doing.
YABU for taking it all on when there's another parent who is capable.

also it's ok for kids to get bored. you don't need to fill every second of their lives with clubs, day outs, playdates. it's too much.
let them use their imagination and come up with ways to entertain themselves.
on your day off let them build a blanket fort then watch some tv with them in jimjams and have pizza for dinner instead of looking after extra kids and wearing yourself out.

stop to breathe

I think when life is chaotic, unsure & scary some people react by letting go (me) and some try to gain more control (you).
not saying either is better, but you are struggle so it's not working for you.

you need to let go of some responsibilities.

I noticed recently that I have subconsciously put a lot of pressure on myself to give my dc a great summer this year just cause I’m aware the last nearly two years have been so. Crap.
Are you always like this?
I tell myself normal service will return with the new school year.

I find myself offering for people to come round mine or for me to help look after their kids to give them a break

stop doing that, it's easy enough.

I feel you op
I am not working as much of you. We don't have much money so can't even give dc that kind of summer

but how do I get out of taking on all the mental load?

split with your DH.

One is in charge of schools,
one is in charge of clubs.

One is in charge of holiday clubs
one is in charge of bills

Kids do not need to have activities lined up nearly everyday during the holidays. As others have said, they need to learn how to entertain themselves. We’ve got six weeks of this!
Do what’s best for you and your family; it’s not a competition. You also need time to stop, reflect and relax.

My set up is similar to yours (DH, young children, pressured PT job, main carer, household organiser). I’ve learnt to stop, decline invitations and generally just say ‘No’ during the last few years, in order to prevent burnout. Life can still tough be tough at times but I know my limits.

Play dates - yes, although I never offer to have other people’s kids as my own are more than enough!

Ask your DH to also share more of the mental load. It’s easy for the other parent to assume that we’re managing as we always do, especially if we’re not asking for help.

Whilst the kids are with DH then it's up to him how he parents - if they've spent the day eating mini magnums so what.

Reduce play dates or only invite those that return the favour.

Do a list of jobs and then split it with DH - this one is the hardest as I tend to micromanage but am trying to step back.

You can't plan a great summer - mostly they happen by chance/weather/enjoying the small stuff.

Only you can stop.
There are three ways to stop I think:

• just don’t do it (like play dates if it’s such an ask)
• hand it over to your husband (which means actually hand it over, don’t interfere, judge, it think about it)
• stop getting wound up by thinking about “mental load” - which in a lot of cases seems to be a code for, stuff that’s quite easy to sort out. Like activity clubs - generally easy to find and book online. Job done in half an hour, for the whole summer. I know it’s also how there are a lot of things that add up, but honestly - I hear so many friends complaining about “mental load” for stuff that’s just life, and not particularly time consuming or requiring thought. But since the phrase mental load gained traction, suddenly it’s an issue for them all!

YANBU! Sounds exhausting.

You need a talk with your DH. Part of that talk is to get him to understand and take on some of the work you've been doing. But part of it should also be about compromising on the sort of life you think your children and you as a family should have. If he does next to nothing with them when he's looking after them, is that because he doesn't know what to do, because he thinks it's good for kids to have plenty of unstructured time or because he's lazy? It's probably a bit of all three so be prepared, as well as telling him to buck his ideas up, to talk about what skills he needs to develop and to compromise on how much you expect the children to be scheduled over the holidays - and some of that unscheduled time should be under your watch too.

Also, I think sometimes it's easy, when a partner doesn't seem to be pulling their weight, to over compensate and try and become a bit of a supermum in a way that isn't that beneficial to anyone Over planning, over scheduling, and getting resentful about it too. There is a lot of pressure on women to be very involved in their kids lives in a way that isn't necessarily ideal. I don't know if you're doing that, but it's worth taking a step back and thinking about if you're getting too caught up in trying to play a part that isn't really needed.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I've realised I'm feeling stressed and not behaving in my normal way. I think I am trying to compensate for how shit the past year has been and DH passivity. Trying to arrange to meet up with friends we haven't been able to see for the past 2 years due to the covid restrictions.

Some of this is a DH problem. DH has a job is very busy 9 months of the year and quiet over summer. I can end up doing everything for those busy 9 months ( all cleaning etc) but what he doesn't do is step forward in the quiet times to do his fair share. I need to talk to him about that.

I agree kids don't need constant entertainment. I've booked in 8 days spread out of activity clubs for eldest and about 3 days out. They are very active kids though and a day spent in the house normally means they are bouncing off the walls by bedtime. So I would always plan something ( like a walk to the park). I think DH doesn't always plan things as he's not confident. For example he wouldn't rake them swimming by himself etc. It means I feel like I either have to help him plan the days or compensate on my days off.

I would also be the one prompting him to arrange to see his parents and the one to take the kids away by myself to see my parents. Writing it down makes me realise I am putting way more effort in and I need to put in some boundaries and carve out some time to breathe for myself.

As my youngest won't start school full time until mid September we've also has to take leave to cover this so we have ended up tag teaming with leave rather than spending time together.

@orchidsonabudget I'm aware we have enough money to do fun things over summer and I feel for you as doing it on a tight budget must be really tough.

You need a spreadsheet. I have one rather than a calendar, to plan out all childcare and annual leave, and then add life stuff etc. V similar to a calendar but I have formulas to calculate annual leave etc.so I know dh and I are within our allocations.etc

@Cocomarine I think the term mental load is a valid point. My job requires a huge amount of planning/ organisation and multitasking. Then I feel like it's another job on top at home to keep up. It's a cumulative effect. I'm someone who struggles with planning and organisation and I don't have a lot of back up e.g. we haven't got grandparents/family to call for help.

I would ignore anyone who says the mental load isn’t a thing, for a start. It may not be for them personally, but I think it is for the vast majority of mums with dependent children, so you’re not alone in finding it hard going.

There are tips and tricks that help (things like noting when booking for summer activities opens and then booking on that day, so you get your choice of dates), but mostly you need to be clear that you’re doing this for your family. If others benefit then great (eg a play date that is returned on a day you really need it) but it’s not about doing favours for other people, it’s about what’s best for you.

Try not to be guilted by your own internal voice telling you to be nice and kind, and instead put your family’s needs first. You’ll have time and energy in the future to do favours, right now, you need to focus on your own needs.

By stepping back, OP, yyou will give DH the opportunity to build confidence in doing things like take them swimming, otherwise he will remain stuck in his comfort zone and continue to rely on you. And if he doesn't organise stuff with his parents then let that be, you're not his family liaison officer on top of your other jobs! It will be uncomfortable for you at first because you'll have to tolerate him not doing stuff you think he should do - but the freedom of letting stuff go undone is wonderful! Expand your own comfort zone, let the kids bounce off the wall, they will eventually pester DH for activities. Let them pester him to see his parents if they want to. Let his parents pester him to see their grandchildren! Stop mediating, liaising, facilitating his passivity. You can do it!!

I didn’t say that mental load doesn’t exist, and I acknowledged that the issue is the cumulative effect of many things.
But I stand by my point… I think it feels worse if you get sucked into thinking, “OMG, so much mental load!” every time you have to plan or organise something.
Because then you’re increasing the time and stress of it: there’s the thing itself, and the extra time and stress of being wound up by having to do it.

I put it third, behind stopping doing things, and getting your husbands to do things.

I’m sorry, but I call BULLSHIT on your husband not having the confidence to take his children swimming. This is not a baby and a toddler, one is already school age, so youngest they are is what - 5 and 3? So he’s had YEARS of parenting. I might have bought the no confidence thing if you also hadn’t mentioned that you end up taking them to HIS parents. Because I definitely don’t buy that he can’t take them to his own parents through lack of confidence. That’s choice. I’m reluctant to actually say he can’t be bothered, as that’s quite a judgemental word. Maybe he’s not lazy and not “not bothered” - simply, he’s not interested in grandparent visits and swimming. That’s a valid choice - though needs to be substituted with other parenting. I would stop mentally 😉 letting him off the hook with confidence excuses, and start expecting him to step up.

Totally agree with @AnUnlikelyCombination that you’re going to need to push through the internal guilty voice!

Like when the grandparents haven’t seen the kids because their own child didn’t want to organise it. Ignore the voice, and if they contact you - breezily pass them to him.

@Cocomarine fair point. I'm overwhelmed with actually sorting out of it all, my head was spinning yesterday. I'm channelling benign neglect today and feel better, although the kids are already bouncing off the walls, screaming and fighting at 9am.

I agree- he should be taking them out but he is also a worrier and easily stressed where I am much more laid back and happy to take a gamble/ get things wrong etc. I think I've made exceptions for him knowing this and protected him too much- to my own detriment.

The internal guilty voice is most definitely there. I feel bad if the house is messy ( and feel it reflects on me not him) and feel bad if he doesn't think of his parents. I have lost a parent and also have more of a parenting role with my surviving parent due to their ill health. He doesn't and doesn't get time is precious with them. But that's also HIS issue to deal with I get. I've become used to being the responsible adult in all areas if my life.

Equally I don't see many other dad's taking a proactive lead with their kids - they all seem to rely on the mum to arrange playdates, sort childcare etc. That's making me feel more angry.

Good to hear your anger, OP! Anger tellsuus ssomething needsto cchange , and it soundslike you have great insight into the changes you needto make. Stop being a responsibility sponge! Tolerate the guilt feelings and they will pass, and you'll be amazed and relieved by how much freedom that gives you.

I wonder if sometimes we collude with stuff about other people's fragility in the face of stress etc because it's easier than acknowledging that they're just happy for you to be stressed and exhausted, and can't be arsed. We can look the other way and avoid the painful decisions we might have to make, or the uncomfortable conversations we would have to have, if we really accept how crap someone is being as a dad/partner/friend or whatever.

also have more of a parenting role with my surviving parent due to their ill health. He doesn't and doesn't get time is precious with them.

Strewth! don't take on his family commitments.

I always felt kids (and me) needed to get out at some point in the day - the park is fine, get DH to take a ball - it's worth developing ball skills even if they are small. Board game? gardening? walk looking for who can find the most insects/butterflies. I have a white board at home.
You and DC could decide what it's to be each day (with regard to walk etc that DH does with them, harder for him not to bother) and write it up.