AIBU to feel sad about this?

[Thehillsarelonely]

I have a lovely friend who lives very near to me and who I used to see at least once a week. But since the Covid pandemic she refuses to have any physical contact with me. She has significant health anxiety and is in the clinically vulnerable group due to age and weight but not the extremely clinically vulnerable group but she won't even go for a walk with me or sit in the same garden as me without getting very stressed. The main reason is that I am a HCP and she literally thinks I'm spreading covid19 far and wide. We live in a area with a very low rate of covid19 one of the lowest in the UK, I am fully vaccinated (as is she) , I have to lateral flow test at least twice a week often 4 times a week, I'm scrupulous about hand hygiene and shower every time I come home from work. I mainly work with the clinically vulnerable and the extremely clinically vulnerable and as far I know, bar those who have come on to "my books" because they've had covid19 and been exceedingly unwell and are now recovering none of them have ever had Covid19 either. In fact I actually "know" personally only one person who's had Covid19 and they weren't in the UK.
I understand her anxiety but it makes me sad that she still won't see me should I say anything? Up until now Ive not commented but she told me the other month that even her DH who also has health anxiety thinks she's taking it too far.

Could you ask if she's seen GP about it?

I could I'm just not sure if I being unreasonable to even raise it. I dont want to worry her even more.

I think if you said you were concerned about her she would see it coming from a good place

Your very lucky to know only one person who has had Covid 19, I could tell you about 10 people who have it right at this minute.

She’s entitled to be anxious it’s not personal to you. It would be great if you could help her over come her fears but I don’t think you should be personally upset by it.

I’m upset because she’s a lovely funny inspiring talented person who I like a lot and enjoy being with and I’m sad I’m not seeing her. I think I’ll try and raise it with her she is aware that she’s become over time “obsessively over cautious” about the whole thing.
As I said above I live in an area where the incidence of Covid 19 is very low, I obviously hear of friends of friends getting it or my DH tells me a work colleagues wife has got it or something similar but outside of work I personally only know one person who definitely had it.

I understand her anxiety but it makes me sad that she still won't see me should I say anything

With all due respect, I don't think you do understand.
I have GAD (nothing do with covid - officially diagnosed years ago) and when I'm at my worst the rational things you've put in your OP would mean absolutely nothing to me, you can't think clearly the way most people do when you're deep in that anxiety.

To most people all the reasons you've written make sense, yes the chances are extremely low of her catching covid from you, so to you it makes sense that she should be okay meeting even for a walk outside - but she can't see it that way, she can't see (just example numbers) the 95% chance she won't catch it from you, she can only see the 5% chance that she will. The anxiety is debilitating. I don't have health anxiety and covid isn't something that I'm anxious about, however, from speaking of personal experience from other things. The panic that most likely comes over her when you suggest going a walk or meeting up will consume her, she probably isn't physically able to make that step.

Anxiety is something that you can never fully understand without having experienced it yourself. It's not the same as a Normal level of worry/anxiety that most people feel. Even though you're trying to be helpful, saying things like you're tested twice a week and haven't been in contact with anyone etc, is probably having the opposite effect on her. I know myself that when people say things like that trying to help, all it does is make me feel worse as I feel like it should be no big deal and there is something really wrong with me that I can't think the same way others can and I can't see that it's no problem. It just makes me worry about what other people think of me.

Also her DH having anxiety aswell doesn't mean that she should be okay because he is, it affects people differently.

I'm not meaning anything against you OP and I can completely understand why you are sad about it but the best thing you can do is just be there to listen. She'll let you know when she's ready, but she needs to get there in her own time. Can you FaceTime/call for now? I know it's not the same but try not push her and be there for when she feels able, but let her tell you when that is.

I’d want to be sympathetic to her mental health problems but equally she sounds like she would be incredibly hard work to be friends with. I’m sorry, OP, I completely understand how hurtful it must feel.

I have a friend who is perfectly healthy but has refused to see family inside since March 19.

We are meeting outside soon and I have a two hour drive to get there. It is hard when a friends anxiety impacts their life to this extent.

I think it's ok to talk to them about the level of anxiety from.a place of caring. But it's also to have your own level of comfort around the matter. If my friend makes me feel uncomfortable by sitting metres apart and needing to shout etc to talk I wont stay long. Because that would make me feel uncomfortable. Her anxiety doesnt trump my feelings if she makes me feel my presence will kill her IYSWIM.

I get anxiety. But highly anxious meet ups make me uncomfortable. So in your case, maybe it's just going to take longer to go back to anything like normal. I feel like I need to meet up in full PPE and I'd rather not see my friend like this. I would prefer she waited until she doesnt need to do all of this.

Basically friendships are two ways. You can be understanding but it doesnt trump your feelings

Truthfully I wouldn’t feel comfortable mixing with a HCP either. Or a teacher. It’s too risky.

The thing about anxiety is it’s often not rational and you’re asking her to be rational about it. She may even recognise that she’s being over the top but not have control over it.
All you can do is be patient and don’t push her to meet if she’s not comfortable with it as that’ll probably be counterproductive.
Sure you do already but when you speak about it make sure she k own it’s out of concern for her rather than mentioning what you’re missing out on IYSWIM

Yanbu. I know someone similar who keeps pushing when she'll be out and about back through fear of Covid.

@Erysimium

Truthfully I wouldn’t feel comfortable mixing with a HCP either. Or a teacher. It’s too risky.

That's interesting. As a hcp who mostly hangs out with teachers, I feel safer with that group!. We're all testing several times a week and making conscious choices about the risks involved in who we see and where we go. Friends working in other industries aren't so concerned about their choices.

I’m neither a teacher nor a HCP but my closest friends are. I see a lot on comments on here from people saying they wouldn’t want to socialise with them or their kids to do so etc. It always sounds mercenary to me, the idea that people want their children to be educated and medics there to treat them if ill but otherwise eww keep them away. I would not push my friends away for that reason and I do have anxiety issues (including health anxiety).

In my experience, anxiety will, left unchecked, try to take over everything and make you act irrationally and close off aspects of your life. I manage it by medication, therapy and, importantly, by repeatedly pushing against my anxiety and doing things I feel worried about. It can be really tiring and perhaps it sounds counterintuitive it’s the only way I’ve found to loosen anxiety’s grip. I therefore don’t think your friend is doing something in her own interests (and it has a knock on effect on everyone in her life). You’re not unreasonable to feel sad at all - whatever the reason for a friend not being there for us, even if they’re ill, it still obviously isn’t optimal and it’s ok to feel a bit sorry for yourself. I would encourage her to get help.

Is she stressed about meeting in a garden because you have to go through her house first or something?Could you offer to wear a mask?