Leave H because of his family

[CarryOn1]

AIBU is probably not the best place for this. But it is busy and I want opinions or other people's experiences.

My DH and I generally have a good relationship. Been together for 18 years.
We have overcome some challenges (his infidelity and my subsequent trust issues).

He is his mother's only child. She was never his resident parent when he was growing up, his DF was. His mother is a difficult character but most of the time they get on but have an upset every few months and I think he gets quite emotionally drained from her presence as he is very short tempered and snappy after spending time with her, this has always been the case. As she is getting older she is expecting more and more from him. It has become a problem between him and myself as he financially supports her from our family pot. Spends time helping her. She gets an invite to xmas / birthdays but then has some fall out with someone and the event is soured. I have gone LC with her but respect that my DH feels he should look after her and I accept this is what he wants to do. She lives alone and he worries, she is early 60s, not elderly. She has no friends or relatives still in touch with her so he really is the only one emotionally and practically supporting her.

But I don't want to spend years of my life with all this going on. I don't want to spend years having to interact with her regularly, my wages support her and his horrible attitude after yet another fall out with her. Or his exhaustion from having to deal with it. It's like treading on egg shells and it's making me miserable.

It's not a good reason to leave a relationship, is it. I would be V U to break up a marriage because of this. But I can't think what else to do.

Well, I'd end the marriage based on the infidelity rather than the odd, slightly annoying dynamic between dh and his mother.

You don’t have to have a ‘good reason’ to leave a relationship - you can do that at any time. I can ‘hear’ the resentment in your post, which is possibly because of the issues caused by his past infidelity. Do you love him? It sounds as if you have a good long list of the negatives in your relationship but what positives do you have. Write out for yourself all the pluses & minuses & then it might become clearer for you.
However, if there are children involved then it is a much bigger step to leave.
I hope this helps.

Right, I am the female version of your husband, except I'm not married. I'm an only child & the main cater for my mum (68yrs) who's had a series of strokes & major heart surgery. She has a very estranged relationship with her sisters & speaks to one of the every blue moon. She's an utter pain in my ar5e. Always has been prior to the illness. Needy, child like behaviour, totally inept. Since I started working at the age of 16, I was helping with the finances. I'm now intrinsically entwined with them, so there is no way out. As a result, I do not have a 'significant other' nor have the time/energy to have one. This is my lot until she passes.
The relationship between DH & MIL will always be like this. Needy mum's have a knack of making you feel bad if you're not putting them first.
Do you want this for the rest of your days? Or cut your losses & find someone with a 'normal' family?
I know which route I'd choose.
Good luck x

I couldn't get past the infidelity either. But that aside, do you love him?
Have you told him how you feel? If push came to shove, and you issued him an ultimatum - back off from her or you'll walk - what would he do?

You may have another 20 odd years of this. Things will not get better

He’s taking money from a shared pot to spend on something you disagree with so presumably without any discussion with you? He’s not respectful of your needs which he showed with the infidelity and seems to be proving again now. Seems a reasonable reason to leave him.

I do love him. And I have a lot of respect for him. The infidelity was difficult and caused a lot of anguish but I felt I could move past it. This situation just feels like there's no way out, it will go on and on.

Being on my own somehow seems less scary than having to have MIL heavily involved in our lives, and DH's subsequent exhaustion / frustration. I want to enjoy my life. I know he loves her and I want to take care of my parents too when the time comes, but it's not yet and it won't be so strenuous.

But have you told him how you feel OP? Really told him that this can't go on? If you have, what was his response? If you haven't - then you need to.

Could she not go into residential complex for older people. With a social structure so she is less of a burden and has more of her own life. Or at least encourage her to build up her own social life. Mil sounds depressed.
Why cant she support herself too. Pension? Could she downsize? Release equity?

I'd try talking to him and tell him this can't go on and if nothing changes I'd leave.

Your current situation sounds an utterly joyless existence, which could go on for another 20 years. You can do better. You deserve better.

If she's only early 60s you could easily have another 20 years of this and getting worse as she gets older. How old do you think she's going to be before she decides she needs round the clock care/company and DH moves her in?

This can't go on, your own MH will suffer, through resentment at the money, the time and the demands. It is a perfectly good reason to leave a relationship when a DH puts his mother before his wife. the fact that being on your own seems less scary than staying with him is your brain telling you what you need to do.

Move further away?

YANBU, I think his behavour now is just showing you that you don't come first for your DH. Emotionally it must feel like another infidelity, spending time and family money on another woman, taking his frustration out on you when he comes home, not taking your feelings into consideration. The fact you think being without him would make you happier says it all.

He doesn’t get you se family money to support her. If he wants to do that he does it fully on his own. DH has a needy mother and he is an only child but she is manipulative and a total CF, over lockdown the scales have fallen from his eyes though as she didn’t care about his safety (he has an autoimmune condition), it was all about what she wanted. If you want to end the relationship then that is reason enough to do so, anyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason.

What emotional and practical support does she need? She's younger than me and I don't 'need' those things from my daughters. I'm the one who supports them really, as I'm retired and can look after my DGd for one of them, and I can help with various random things like being around for tradesmen and so on for both when they're at work.

I can't think when I last asked anything of them. Is your MIL disabled or something?

No she is not disabled or vulnerable in any way. Just needy. She never once helped us with childcare or anything.
She is unemployed and on benefits and lives in a city centre council flat. The financial assistance if for paying off rent arrears and general bits and bobs. Food shopping sometimes. Money given to her so she will buy something for the DC for xmas/ birthday otherwise she wouldn't.

The man has broken his vows, lied to you, betrayed you, enjoyed it, and is now indulging a woman who did not raise him. Sounds like he just likes engaging with other women in general, you can end this farce of a marriage at any point.

Separate your finances immediately. Start making plans to leave.

I was in the same position as your DH until my marriage broke down. It did not break down because of it, but it didn’t help

To protect my own MH I reduced contact to one email per week and stood firm on this. Previously had been her staying with me for up to six weeks at a time without even asking, multiple video calls per week, multiple messaging per day. She would blame me for her unhappiness if a reply wasn’t long or considerate enough. Everyday I asked myself if I had done enough to make her happy even though I knew that impossible. And if not it felt like the whole world would collapse and everyone would die!

Anyway it took six months but it worked and we now have a normal amount of contact, regular calls and in person, but on my terms and she has not once crossed any of my lines which is just basic respect really

So it can be done. Your H can choose to do this if he wants to save his marriage, and you can also walk away.

We all have the right to respect and boundaries

*Just to add. Not sure if you’ve already tried this but if my ex had ever demanded of me to put my Mum in her place it would have actually been a relief to be given ‘permission to do so’ as bizarre as that may sound