To not let my brother come stay with me?

[daisydaisy7]

Brother and I were close growing up. Drifted apart in late teens early twenties. He's now 30. I'm 26.
Mainly because I think I realised what an ar*e he can be.
I feel he can be very entitled & spoilt and expects everyone to do everything for him.
We have a lot of disagreements because of this and to be honest he mostly only ever contacts me to ask for money and it's been that way since I was about 17.

Our mum died last November. I had no help from either of my brothers with paying for or organising my mums funeral. It totally broke me.

Fast forward to the current situation. He is separated from his sons (1yo) mother due to a lot of reasons and their relationship wasn't working. They're amicable and co parent well from what I know. Happily take the baby out together and he spends time their with them both. I'm pretty sure he stays over every now and then too.
Anyway, he's renting a house from a friend. Friend told him she needed the house back as she needed to move in and gave him a month to get something sorted. That month ends on Saturday
He has just messaged asking if he can stay with me for a "few weeks" until he saves enough for a deposit. So he hasn't bothered to try find somewhere else to live.
He's apparently asked his ex to stay in her spare room. She said no because she likes her own space. Fair enough.
I'm reluctant for the following reasons

It won't be a few weeks. It'll be a lot longer because he's a very unmotivated person and and won't be bothered to look because it's convenient to be here.

I have 2 DD's. 4yo & 3mo. I'm breastfeeding the baby so often sat on the sofa for long periods of time while she feeds/sleeps.

We don't have a spare room. Well the baby isn't in the nursery yet but it's a nursery so no space for a bed. So he'd have to stay on the sofa. The living room is used everyday. Where my children play etc so I couldn't imagine what I'd do if it then became a bedroom. I don't want to have to be confined to the upstairs in my own home. He works evenings so doesn't get home till after 1am most nights and then sleeps in late. We are up at 6am.

My husband is a great man and would do anything for anyone so he'd probably say it's okay but really I know he wouldn't be happy with it. And I feel bad because this is his home too and I feel like he is always picking up the pieces for my family. There have been various other situations where he has done a lot to help them out.

My baby currently has bronchiolitis, which I know isn't forever but it's stressful and worrying nonetheless. My DH and I have a great relationship but the tiredness and stress that comes with a new baby and being parents are a problem at the moment. He works long days so we barely see him till the weekend. I just don't want to add another stressful element to our relationship.

If I thought he would be helpful while here it might be different but I doubt it. I can't see him offering to contribute to costs of him being here or helping to tidy up etc.

We grew up in poor area. My mum was a single parent on benefits with her own struggles but she did her best.
I have worked incredibly hard to get to the position I'm in now. We own our home in a nice area, my girls are far from spoilt but they never want for anything which is the opposite to what I had. I think he seems to think I'm the 'privileged' one because of this. So it's up to me to fix all his problems. But really we had the same start in life and I have just made better choices and wanted to get away from that life. His ex said one of the reasons they broke up was because he wanted to be mothered and she wasn't willing to do it.

sorry for the long winded post!
Would you put him up in my situation?

Saw your update well done OP, he sounds like my dcs dad. The eternal victim/man baby.

You can rent a room for 400 quid a month with a months deposit usually - 800 quid.

Spare room is a good website.

Even if he was a great brother you don't have the space, plain and simple. But he isn't a great brother, he uses you when he needs you.

Your family dynamic will be badly effected by someone who will just use you and piss off when it suits him or after you force him to leave - there is no outcome in this situation which doesn't end in him hating you so why should you put yourself out.

He is a big boy time to stand in his own two feet

It's disgraceful that he made his younger sister sort out her mum's funeral without help of any kind. He's awful, OP.

Make a list of every single thing you've done for him, then make a list of every single thing he's done for you. Keep them to hand for the next time he asks for a favour.

Don't let him store stuff at yours OP.
You'll never get rid , he'll bring too much stuff and then garage stuff and etc etc - can you fit a house/flat worths into your basement?- and he'll be over all the time or dump it on you for years

Please just say "no. We have two young children and two adults living in our house, we need our storage and house to accommodate ourselves. You're an adult you can sort out paid storage and accomodation easily yourself"

I'm glad you said no to him staying over, don't let him Trojan horse himself into your home anyway via storage.

Your brother works. He can book himself a b&b or an air b&b if he has a temporary gap to fill. He can find himself spareroom.com or a flat.
He can arrange himself storage for his belongings - there's plenty of companies that offer this . Let him be his own problem or someone else's problem. But not yours

He hasn't helped you and he behaved selfishly and badly. Why would you put yourselves out to help him? Just say no. And keep saying no

Well done OP.

Avoid the phone and if he texts, tell him you are NEVER bailing him out again, you are done.

I strongly recommend this.
He is a user.

You and your family deserve better.

Don't waste one minute feeling guilty.
Think of your mother and what she did and how badly he behaved.

Don't be a mug.
Wasters are 10 a penny.

You sound like a great woman who deserves better.

No, no & no. He's 30, not 17. He's been given ample time to get his act together but hasn't. He's just assumed he can contact you & you'll put him up. Absolutely don't do it. Your kids are your priority. x

I'd say no to storage, too. I'd want to lose he connection with him. He's a user and before you know it you'll be storing all his crap.

@daisydaisy7

NO NO NO don't store all his shit. You'll never get rid of that either. And you know it won't be just one box; it will be loads of boxes and all sorts of other crap. You've said No once. It will be easier next time.

Just keep keep saying No. You're a family of 4 now and you don't have any spare room for his stuff.

What a useless man child he is.

Not a chance.

Well done OP! You were right not to give in, he needs to start standing on his own two feet.

‘Honestly I’m still recovering from baby and mums funeral, so I’m only storing things right now for siblings who were there helping me with mums funeral. You’ll have to sort your own stuff.’

YANBU and you don't need any other reason than you just don't want to.

I wouldn’t store his stuff either.
It’s just going to be an “in” for him to keep coming round.

No no no! You owe him nothing. And you need your living room!

Just read your updates. Stop bailing him out too, he’s an adult not a teenager.

You really need to withdraw from him. Don’t let him store his stuff at yours. It’s the thin end of the wedge.

Well done for saying no. But I’d also be saying no to his request to store stuff. He needs to sort himself out and stop expecting you to rescue him all the time.

No

No, you don’t have to explain yourself to him. He’s had a month to get his lazy arse in gear

I'd have conflicted feelings about this. It really depends on the sibling, and how well you get on with them, how well you could live with them, and in the OP case it's just a very busy home situation.

I've had bad experiences with my DSis who had two extended stays with us (DH and DD). She was on assignment at a location very close to us, and it saved her a HUGE amount of hassle with respect to commute, it was for that reason I agreed, she could stayed in a hotel, and she insisted on paying us instead, even though I did not want the money.

We were totally incompatible. She is younger, single, going out and often back late, sometimes doing very late night work calls, if not going our then she has a few drinks most every night, never closes her bedroom door (very messy, suitcase open half unpacked, collection of vibrators on locker), ... I could add a lot more!!

I know as things will return to normal this request will come up again, answer will be NO, even though I love her, and she gets on well with DD and DH

It's easy to have a sibling stay if you are very compatible. My DB has often stayed over with me. No problem at all.

Younger DSis on the other hand was a nightmare, never again! She lives like a student, even though she has a great job/career. Messy, frequent late night loud work call (and loud-ish phone sex), vegan, never unpacks the dishwasher. A nightmare!!

Just wondering @daisydaisy7, if your brother has made any further approaches to you asking for your help? I am hoping that the last one was in fact, the last time he did it and he is learning to be a grown up and finding his own way in the world.

Don't even think of it.

Say NO, and keep saying it. Don't let him visit either. He would move in if you did.

@LookItsMeAgain

Just wondering *@daisydaisy7*, if your brother has made any further approaches to you asking for your help? I am hoping that the last one was in fact, the last time he did it and he is learning to be a grown up and finding his own way in the world.

He hasn't thankfully. I think he got the message. My DH and I both agree we've done him a favour by saying rather than giving in to him for fear of feeling guilty.

Apparently he's found a room in a house share for now.

I contacted both DB's to say the memorial company that are doing DM's headstone have said the ground has settled now so we needed to choose which stone we would like. They both said "you decide". No mention of financial contribution for the headstone or a thank you for sorting it. I miss my mum dearly and I just can't see how they don't seem to care at all.
I think I need to have very little to do with them going forward which is very sad.

I would outright say so I presume you two are paying for the stone seeing as I paid for the funeral! How bloody cheeky of them