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AIBU?

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Original poster

Poor me poor me, pour me another drink

13 replies

tallulahhula · 27/07/2021 12:50

How do you cope with this mentality in someone showing alcoholism signs?

Very close relative - who has always been a heavy drinker anyway - lost her husband last year and since then has been drinking a lot. If you challenge her on it you get 'how would you feel if it were your husband' seemingly forgetting that he meant a great deal to a lot of people, myself included.

Behaviours include daily drinking either after work or on days off sometimes before noon. Irregular sleeping and eating patterns. Declining invitations or opportunities to socialise because she'd rather stay home and drink. Showing very obvious signs of being drunk - slurring, walking and gesticulating strangely, smelling of alcohol and sometimes being quite spiteful and argumentative.

We see people at the shops and she's talking away unaware of how obvious it is to others that she's been drinking. I'm so worried about the mental and physical health issues it could be causing. I want to support her and I try my best to include her in days out, holidays and other things but I find it incredibly hard to be around her when she's been drinking which is also affecting our relationship.

I know she's grieving but so am I. I have looked at Al Anon but I really don't want to go to a face to face meeting and there doesn't seem to be an online forum or support group :(

Any help or advice?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/07/2021 12:53

Sadly until she stops drinking, you can do nothing, and you will lose sleep, become anxious/angry at how much of your life that this can eat up.
Are there children involved in your days out?

Original poster
tallulahhula · 27/07/2021 13:01

Yes my dc are sometimes there. They are too young to notice but that won't always be the case.

I know I can't stop her or help her until she wants to help herself. I just find it so hard. I want to support her and I could use her support too, but from a selfish point of view I struggle to be around her and often find reasons not to be it I know she's been drinking. Then I worry about her being alone.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 27/07/2021 13:05

Believe me there is nothing you can do. My sibling has just started getting help after years and years of drinking and wierd spiteful behaviour. It's exhausting and I had to set strict boundaries otherwise it takes over your life. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I really resent her for the nightmare she's put everyone through, but I am still dutifully there for her on the phone. I've stopped lending money though!!

OliveToboogie · 27/07/2021 13:10

I'm an alcoholic in recovery. As others have said there is absolutely nothing you can do I'd she doesn't want to get sober. It has to be the alcoholics choice. That being said all you can do is remove yourself as much as possible. We are a selfish bunch unfortunately.

RealBecca · 27/07/2021 17:19

I think you need to be straight with her.

"Im sorry for what youre going through and i want to support you however i am extremely concerned about your drinking for xyz reasons and im worried about the impact on your health. I will support you to seek support if you choose to do so however i cannot ignore the impact your drinking is having on me and my family therefore im stepping back until you're ready to seek help."

And then stop inviting her out of obligation to things if you cant accept her coming drunk.

Hppymum123 · 27/07/2021 17:27

Poor me poor me pour me a drink, wow, that resonates massively right now. I also have a family member like this.

Topseyt · 27/07/2021 18:32

I would honestly stop inviting her out and spending so much time with her. If she asks why then you will need to sit down with her and tell her.

That may sound horrible, but I have experience of alcoholism in the family. Unless she admits there is a problem and wishes to do something about it there is nothing at all that you can do. However, you can stop exposing yourself and your family to her and allowing her to ruin precious family time and days out.

We now have virtually no contact with the alcoholic in our family. They just ruin everything and cause so much tension behaving like an arse.

Tal45 · 27/07/2021 18:40

He might have meant a lot to a lot of people but that's nothing like losing your husband that you've spent every day with for a good chunk of your life. Apart from his parents or children no one else will be feeling the same grief as her and even then they probably have their own lives away from him. I'm not saying this making her drinking ok but I can understand it, she is self medicating the pain away and by the sounds of it she has been using it as a crutch for quite a long time.
There's nothing you can do though if she doesn't want to stop and you have to put your family first and protect them and yourself. It's a sad situation.

Twizbe · 27/07/2021 19:04

Perhaps see if you can encourage her to have a look at Laura Clery's stuff on YouTube or Facebook. She has some really funny little sketches that you can send her as a 'here look at this'

If you delve deeper into her stuff you find that she's a recovering addict and her husband is a recovery alcoholic. They both talk openly about their addictions and recovery. It could be a nudge she needs to see she has a problem.

Mountaingoatling · 27/07/2021 19:07

How long ago did he die? If this has been going on for years then your response is understandable, if it's six weeks then I really think you need to rethink your attitude. Someone without a historic drink problem who turns to alcohol during grief for a short period doesn't need judging or shaming. They need company and patience.

Original poster
tallulahhula · 27/07/2021 19:36

He died last year so it's relatively new but not weeks or months.

She has used alcohol as a crutch in other situations throughout her life. I realise this is the hardest thing she has ever gone through but how does alcohol help? It doesn't.

It's breaking my heart to see her doing this to herself.

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 27/07/2021 19:41

@Tal45

He might have meant a lot to a lot of people but that's nothing like losing your husband that you've spent every day with for a good chunk of your life. Apart from his parents or children no one else will be feeling the same grief as her and even then they probably have their own lives away from him. I'm not saying this making her drinking ok but I can understand it, she is self medicating the pain away and by the sounds of it she has been using it as a crutch for quite a long time. There's nothing you can do though if she doesn't want to stop and you have to put your family first and protect them and yourself. It's a sad situation.
If you're not saying the grief makes her drinking ok, what are you saying?
godmum56 · 27/07/2021 19:58

Chicchicchicchiclana Tue 27-Jul-21 19:41:32
Tal45
He might have meant a lot to a lot of people but that's nothing like losing your husband that you've spent every day with for a good chunk of your life. Apart from his parents or children no one else will be feeling the same grief as her and even then they probably have their own lives away from him. I'm not saying this making her drinking ok but I can understand it, she is self medicating the pain away and by the sounds of it she has been using it as a crutch for quite a long time.
There's nothing you can do though if she doesn't want to stop and you have to put your family first and protect them and yourself. It's a sad situation.

If you're not saying the grief makes her drinking ok, what are you saying?

It doesn't in the least make it ok but it makes it understandable.....but it doesn't alter the fact that no one can do anything about it

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