To feel embarrassed that I don’t know how to ask for things?

[FirstStarToTheRight]

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months, and she has pointed out that she would like me to ask for things more, intimately and generally.

This is something I’ve struggled with before, but no one has actually seemed to notice this, let alone point it out to me in such a clear way.

Years ago I was with someone who said she didn’t know if I was really into her or not, and might have as easily been with someone else because I seemed to say yes to everything and hardly ever a no… nevertheless she seemed to like this aspect of me… which at that point I hadn’t even been aware existed!

For some reason I feel upset and embarrassed… like I may be coming across as a doormat or having low self esteem or something. I really dislike that idea. I feel so naked and exposed in front of her now. It’s uncomfortable.

Is this an unreasonable reaction?

Anyone?

I think it's common isn't it? It's not easy to speak up. I've been trying to be better at this. My technique is just blurting it out as soon as I think of it. I've realised it's much less embarrassing to say (for example) "thats not doing it for me actually, let's do this instead" straight away. Rather than staying quiet, time passing, then you've got to figure out how to explain both what you wanted to say and why you didn't speak up before.

I think it's common. Now it's been highlighted and it's awkward you need to take the stress down a peg or two. Could you write down a couple of things you like and swap papers and have a bit of a giggle over it. Make it fun and exciting possibly try being seductive?

I show my partner with his hands what I like as talking just feels too formal.

Has she given any kind of examples of what she's actually expecting you to be asking for?

It seems a bit of an odd comment to make really.

In most healthy, happy relationships things just evolve and follow a natural course.

I'd ask her to be more specific, usually couples just enjoy getting to know and find out about each other. It shouldn't need a questions and answers phase too.

It's obviously made you feel pretty crap... To be honest that to me suggests you're not with the right person for you.

When you meet someone who you really connect with you'll know. You're not feeling that here.

It might be relatively common, but it's a trait I would not find attractive, and I think your current girlfriend might feel the same. I am attracted to men who are comfortable talking about their needs, wants, ideas, etc. I would never be happy with a "yes man", which is in essence a doormat.

I ask for what I want, nicely of course, as does my husband. We are then able to talk things out and reach a compromise if need be, and this is not just about sexual things, it's about everything.

@GertietheGherkin

Has she given any kind of examples of what she's actually expecting you to be asking for?

It seems a bit of an odd comment to make really.

In most healthy, happy relationships things just evolve and follow a natural course.

I'd ask her to be more specific, usually couples just enjoy getting to know and find out about each other. It shouldn't need a questions and answers phase too.

It's obviously made you feel pretty crap... To be honest that to me suggests you're not with the right person for you.

When you meet someone who you really connect with you'll know. You're not feeling that here.

We had both been talking about keeping communication lines as open as possible, because she had mentioned this wasn’t the case in her previous relationship, her ex did not like to address anything.

I guess it’s not a big stretch to go from there to here, but I found it a bit vague and said can you give me a few examples, she said she couldn’t…. so I’m still not sure if she was talking about sex or everything. Sex was an issue in the last relationship too, she said.

Could this be her own baggage and I’m reading too much into it? I felt like it was a criticism of me, but one that may happen to be true. I think she saw it as an opportunity to encourage me. I don’t know if I want to be seen this way, as vulnerable. In the past this has not worked out well for me.

Help me figure this out, please!

Help me figure this out, please!

I don’t think anyone on here can-I read your post and don’t really know what you are talking about. Do you mean your partner wants you to ask them to do x/y/z b to you in bed, or that they think you should tell the waitress when they have your drink order wrong?

It sounds like you may be a bit of a people pleaser and have quite low self esteem, my OH is the same and it took him many years to realise and accept himself. It's unlikely you're ever going to be an uber confident dominant alpha male so she needs to accept that if this is going to work. You need to look at why you think your needs and wants are less important that other peoples - there's every chance it stems back to your childhood as it does with my OH. There's no point in pretending you're something you're not though just because it doesn't fit the macho male stereotype, like my OH you may be very sensitive, pretty deep emotionally and capable of a very strong emotional connection and that works for me.

Is she asking because you tend not to ask for things you want and then tend to get upset about it afterwards? For example, say you're not bothered where you go to eat and then pick at your food because you end up somewhere you didn't want, or in the sexual sense are coming across as passive and as though you're just 'letting' things happen rather than being an active participant?

I think it depends - lots of people, especially women (thanks, society) are scared of being even remotely assertive. So either she thinks this is the case and it's making communication difficult for her because she feels she's not getting a true picture of your wants and needs, OR she's reading into something that's not there.

Only you will know, really!

I'll add I don't think she sees you as vulnerable, or it doesn't come across that way to me. More that (if what she's saying rings true and you tend to be passive/not assert your own needs) it can be quite frustrating and not very nice to feel like you're always making decisions for someone else or gently guiding them into things.

I'd see it as her trying to give you the space to set boundaries/ask for what you want and need, rather than her treating you with kid gloves - which is awesome :)

What @CrazyNeighbour said

What @therocinante said. She feels you’re being passive and would like you to communicate your needs more. Maybe this feels like a criticism but it’s a good job she’s expressing herself clearly as it will help the relationship. Can you have a read up on assertive communication?

Just to mention that we are both women.