How to forgive and accept yourself

[Newname688]

A few years ago I made some bad mistakes. Not huge ones, but I'm really not proud of them. At the time I was really struggling with my mental health and spent a lot of time thinking about taking my own life.

Since then I genuinely feel like I've changed as a person, but I can't seem to move beyond what I did. Any advice?

You just have to let go. I know that sounds simplistic but it's true, even if it's not easy. Go to bed tonight, tell yourself that tomorrow is a new start and do it. You can't change the past, all you can do is live for now and make it the best you can. If thoughts about the past start creeping in, physically move and distract yourself.

You could have counselling if you need to know the whys of it, but, in the end, only you can let it go.

We're you in your 20's? If so, let it go....life is about learning and we all did stupid shit then! X

At the risk of sounding facetious, you really do have to just let it go.

Did any of your actions inconvenience or cause people hurt? If so, you should apologise to them, sincerely, and ask for their forgiveness (b ear in mind they don't have to give it, though).

If not, assuming you just did some stupid shit, well... there you go. We all do stupid shit, some of us for more years than others.

If you're still here and all's reasonably well in Denmark, move on.

@nokidshere - thank you. That's hugely helpful advice. I guess there are two options - wallow in it or put it behind me

@Royalbloo unfortunately I was in my 30s!

Don't let past you affect your future. It's not easy but you can do it.

I can relate to this. As a teen I behaved very badly towards a particular person. I don't often think about it but when I allow myself to think about how awful I was, it can reduce me to tears. You do need to try and put everything behind you.

I’ve been there. Still am to some degree. If you’ve learnt from your behaviour then please work on letting go of that shame. Lots of people do awful, hurtful things then never learn from it. We all make mistakes though. All of us.
I like to use meditations and affirmations to let go of shame and guilt, or other difficult feelings. Lots of good ones of YouTube.

I think it depends on what and how bad these bad mistakes were (not asking you to elaborate) and who they affected etc.

If you hurt other people - truly by mistake - then a sincere apology should be enough, we all make mistakes.

If you hurt other people deliberately then a sincere apology. regardless of how it's received, is really needed along with a very honest explanation (not excuses). Doing this is a humbling experience that brings a kind of relief/freedom and will allow you to start healing and move forward.

If the mistakes only affected you, you could try doing this exercise when you go to bed at night, it needs to be every night for a couple of weeks. Doing it completely changed my friend's life for the better, she struggled a bit at first with her mind wandering but soon got the hang of it.

Close your eyes and think about each mistake one at a time, really feel it and the guilt or shame associated with it.
Visualise each mistake as a package you have just wrapped up with the mistake inside, tape it up well and label it with the name of the mistake in big bold letters. Do this for each mistake, really focus on how they make you feel while taping them up and writing the label. Place them into a "shopping bag" after you wrap them. You need to really focus on the feelings. Once you've packed them all in the bag you take them to the "mistake recycle centre"., have a look around, make it a real place in your head.
One by one take your mistakes out of the bag, look at them, look at the label, feel the feelings as you put them through recycling hole. Sort of like the bottle bank - one hole for clear glass, one for green etc. When you've emptied the bag into the recycling box you will get a printed receipt saying "You are forgiven" watch it coming out of the receipt dispenser. look at the receipt, feel it in your hand, read each word individually and believe it. Imagine how that forgiveness feels, how much lighter you feel, how much happier forgiveness make you, really try and feel it in your stomach, like butterflies/excitement.

It takes time and focus but eventually, when you feel guilty about your mistakes during the day, close your eyes and visualise the receipt intently, how the message makes you feel. After a while you just have to briefly think of the receipt to rid yourself of any guilt/shame.

Sometimes we just need to take out the mind trash!

Thanks for the replies. I've been working on what a lot of you mentioned - I've watched a bit of Brene Brown on the difference between she and guilt of that's of help to anyone.

Have you atoned? I know it’s an old fashioned concept but making reparation in some tangible way can help put the past to bed.

I get where you are at complete, Newname.

The one person who is most difficult to forgive is our own self.

It helps to talk to someone confidential who is not involved in any way.

It may always be there in the background but you will be able to get on with your life, quite successfully.

@thelegohooverer - I've apologised but unfortunately the person I apologised to is still telling people years later and laughs at the idea that I'm an ok person. I said a few bitchy comments, was genuinely sorry and ashamed of myself. I still feel very shamed by what I did but know I have to move on for the sake of my family.

[quote Newname688]@thelegohooverer - I've apologised but unfortunately the person I apologised to is still telling people years later and laughs at the idea that I'm an ok person. I said a few bitchy comments, was genuinely sorry and ashamed of myself. I still feel very shamed by what I did but know I have to move on for the sake of my family.[/quote]
Well, that person has hardly exercised forgiveness if she is hanging on to a few words you uttered years ago. She is being extremely bitchy if still talking to others about it. Do you seriously think anyone will take any notice of her banging the same old drum?

I imagined you had done something terrible.

You are sorry and feel ashamed of yourself, you can do no more.

It's a pity this person is still in your 'circle' but you can't change that.

Of course you must move on but please try to see it in proportion, unpleasant it may have been but nobody died, neither did you rob a bank, commit adultery or sell your body.

@Newname688 I’m sorry that apologising didn’t bring you both some release.

Forgiving yourself is separate from being forgiven by the person you hurt. Do you think that you feel you can’t forgive yourself until they have?

By atone, I mean doing something to reset the universal balance - an example might be doing something for the person you’ve hurt, or it could be indirect like setting up a standing order for a charity that’s related in some way. It can be helpful to set a limit for yourself (a bit coming out of prison and being able to say “I’ve served my time” so you can move on). It’s not about punishing yourself - it’s just a tool that can help when you’re stuck in your thoughts.

Another thing I’ve found helpful is to imagine yourself now, popping back in time to speak to yourself then. See if you can reach out to your foolish former self with the wisdom of knowing how that action has played out, and try and find some compassion for that younger you who is about to do something you’ll both regret for a long time. You might not feel compassion and that’s ok- maybe you need to give out to your former self and express some anger. That’s ok too. I know it sounds bonkers but it’s a really interesting thing to do and you might be surprised.

This is a strange situation for "a few bitchy comments" If both parties are still affected by it years later. More to this story maybe?