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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Want to move but DH isn’t interested

21 replies

Pointlessuser · 26/07/2021 14:10

This isn’t really an AIBU because neither of us are being unreasonable but more of a WWYD. DH and I both live in the same town we grew up in and have two DCs but I now hate living here. It’s a lot more built up now and most roads you get stuck in traffic even when not rush hour, services around here are awful because there is just too many people in one small area.

The place that I want to move to is about 3 hours away and we have been there on holiday many times, the DC absolutely love it there, it has lovely beaches and parks that aren’t vandalised so I know that they would love being there. Neither are in school yet so I feel like if we were to move, now would be the time before they make proper friends here. Also there seems plenty of jobs in the sector we work in so I don’t think getting jobs will be too difficult.

DH agrees with me about the place we live now not being nice to raise a family and likes the area I want to move too but when I showed him houses and tried to have a serious conversation about it he just didn’t seem interested. I haven’t brought it up with him again but at the same time I really think this could be good for our family but I don’t want him to feel pressurised by me and then possibly resentful that we are away from our family and friends.

Has anyone else been in this situation before or has any advice?

OP posts:

MyShoelaceIsUndone · 26/07/2021 14:26

Sounds like he isn’t ready. I wouldn’t push and push. I would begin to drop hints every so often . Then he’ll start to think about it and once he’s ready he talk. Just have to be patient

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/07/2021 14:30

Living somewhere and going on holiday there are quite different......

Seaside towns in the UK aren't known for being fabulous economy wise, the opposite really.

Have you done a bit of research into the real practicalities? Perhaps he isn't being responsive because it feels a bit pie in the sky.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/07/2021 14:30

I just want to say that going somewhere for holidays (even if often) and living there are completely different matters. Maybe he is aware of that.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 26/07/2021 14:30

X posted i see

Original poster

Pointlessuser · 26/07/2021 14:41

I have been doing quite a lot of research, it’s an area that I’ve been too for the last 20 or so years so I know a lot about the surrounding areas, I’ve been researching schools, jobs, crime etc, I know that living and holidaying there are different but it would be nice to have a starting conversation about it and we could look into things together.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 26/07/2021 14:50

I get why you want to move but if he doesn’t want to, you’re at an impasse. He’s probably not having the conversation with you because there’s nothing you could say which would win him over. It sounds like you still live in the same town as friends and family? That’s a big thing to move away from.

I know if DH was trying to have a conversation with me about moving several
hours away I’d probably be avoiding it too as there’s literally nothing he could say that would convince me to move that far away

m0therofdragons · 26/07/2021 14:57

I think you have to be really clear.
“We only live once and I really don’t want to continue raising our family here. Are you okay if I book a couple of estate agents to look at the house and see where we go from that? I’d like to move to X - what do you think? Realistically where do you see is being in an ideal world?”

My dh is amazing but we wouldn’t have moved if I hadn’t actively begun things. Dh is supportive but more cautious than I am (which he’d openly admit) but we always say we shouldn’t ever just sit and be unhappy and must speak up/support each other.

Cocomarine · 26/07/2021 14:58

@MyShoelaceIsUndone

Sounds like he isn’t ready. I wouldn’t push and push. I would begin to drop hints every so often . Then he’ll start to think about it and once he’s ready he talk. Just have to be patient

That is awful advice. Nagging him won’t exactly endear him to the idea.

How about OP acts like a grown up, treats him like a grown up, and expects to be treated like a grown up back?

I would make sure you create a moment with no other distractions, kids in bed, and say, “look, I mentioned Seaside the other say - I really am very serious about us moving there, it’s not just a passing wouldn’t-it-be-nice comment. Can we talk about it now?”

And fair enough, if he’s not in a mental space to talk about such a big change there and then - fine. But he needs to either tell you that there is no way in hell he’ll ever do it it, or commit to an evening very soon when he will be ready to talk about it.

m0therofdragons · 26/07/2021 14:59

I find @Thurlow approach really strange. Why would a couple avoid a conversation? Surely, if you have no intention of moving, that needs to be stated but the one wanting to move needs to be heard too. Avoiding the conversation is just setting yourself up for resentment.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/07/2021 15:08

Doesn't want to? Or cantbe arsed?
2 different things

Jerseygirl12 · 26/07/2021 15:14

If he doesn’t want to move there’s nothing you can do, conversations won’t help, nor will dropping random facts about the place you want to move to.

Original poster

Pointlessuser · 26/07/2021 15:15

Thanks for all your comments. Yes I would never want to push him to do anything he didn’t want to, this is such a big decision and is something that needs to be properly discussed and researched to make sure we are doing the right thing for us.

I think for me the reason that I want to have this conversation now is as I said DH did agree with me that we don’t like this area, and with my eldest we are starting to have to think about schools so it does feel a bit like this is the best time if we were to move.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pointlessuser · 26/07/2021 15:16

DH is very very laidback as well so I do agree with pp that if anything was to happen it would be very much me making something happen.

OP posts:

Jerseygirl12 · 26/07/2021 15:22

Is your DH happy in his job, does he have friends and family nearby?

Original poster

Pointlessuser · 26/07/2021 15:40

All our friends and family are very close by yes, and we are really close to our families, his job is a little bit more difficult to say, he loves the work that he does and the clients but I wouldn’t necessarily say that he liked the people that he works with.

OP posts:

SorryWoman · 26/07/2021 15:49

It's a bit unadventurous isn't it? You're hardly asking him to move to the other side of the world

SorryWoman · 26/07/2021 15:50

@Thurlow
That's really selfish. So you would require your DP to suppress their own needs because you cba to have a conversation?

Postparty · 26/07/2021 15:55

Life is short, i am all for living it. However, It's a huge move for you to move from the town you both grew up and your friends and family ( who you are close to) live there. Do your family help with the kids? Do you pop round for dinner etc?

You need to have a frank conversation about it and think about how different the dynamic would be starting in a new location far away from your home town.

I say this as someone who has moved areas several time and started over many times and also seeing a friend move from her home town to a beautiful place by the sea. It is beautiful but not the dream she imagined. She missed her family greatly and struggled to fit into her new NHS job. In her home town she had the choice of several different hospitals if she wasn't happy. This place only one was communtable and she ended up leaving her job all together.

Sirzy · 26/07/2021 15:56

Surely there is a compromise to be had between staying where you are and living 3 hours away from where has always been home for you both?

Guineapigbridge · 26/07/2021 15:57

Actually book appointments to view houses. Insist he comes. Leave the kids with grandparents for a day and go and physically see some potential homes. Men tend to be pretty practical: they don't focus on hypothetical scenarios but will focus on an actual comparison of actual, tangible options.
The big decisions we've made have pretty much all been pushed forward by me. Dh doesn't coast along in life (far from it) but he looks to me to action the big stuff like homes, schools, holiday choices, etc

Postparty · 26/07/2021 16:01

My last post was a bit negative, what I didn't say is I also have friends in your position now - always lived in the couple's home town and I personally would feel completely stifled by that set up. If your kids are not yet school age now would be the time to try. You could always move back if it doesn't suit you.

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