I feel like I'm drowning. AIBU?

[ABitTornAndABitSad]

I've spent the weekend feeling like my head is under water.

I'm in my early 30s, married to a lovely man, and just over 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

I run a business. It now employs DH too, but he does a very specialised area, almost an add-on service. He's trying hard to learn the rest, but it takes time. I've been doing what I do for over a decade... there's a lot to pick up. I also have 3 other employees who rely on the business. There's a lot riding on me!

We're also in the middle of moving house... selling and buying. It's full on.

I feel like I'm in an endless cycle of trying to keep everyone happy. A lot of my friends are SAHMs and don't understand why I can't work later and meet them more.

MIL is an actual nightmare. She's very controlling, although I think she means well... She's very bored, and gets upset if she doesn't see us once a week. She hadn't seen us since Tuesday, so invited herself over on Saturday, and got upset when we weren't home (DH was out, I was working). She said she'd come over again on Sunday, which also didn't suit... I'm trying really hard to make her not feel pushed out, so I explained that I'm struggling to balance everything at the moment. Cue a lecture from her on looking after myself now I'm pregnant and not doing too much... immediately followed by her saying she wanted to meet for a coffee as she's bored.

This morning she messaged asking us to have a gender scan so she can celebrate the new baby with her friends, as she's hoping it's a girl and asking how I am today. I said I was at work, doing okay so not to worry about me, just that we'll have to scale back on seeing everyone as much as it doesn't all fit... and she's said she understands. And then immediately when can I meet her for that coffee....

DH could go by himself more, but he works, and they don't class it as "seeing us" unless we're both there. They don't really message him... as they've got older, they just seem to argue with him, to be honest. If we're together for more than an hour, everyone has run out of things to say, and it's really awkward. He says I should ignore her, but that makes me feel so bad!

I have friends who do the same. If you haven't seem them in a week, they think they've upset you.

Is it me? Should I somehow be able to find time to keep everything moving and see everyone every week? I just can't figure it out. I don't want to upset anyone, but I feel run off my feet, all the time. And it feels like it'll only get worse when the baby arrives.

I'm now dreaming of moving abroad again just for some space, if I'm honest. I've seriously looked into housing/costs...

I think you should pass responsibility for MIL back to DH. Maybe he can book a coffee in with MIL for two weeks' time? Friends will have to learn to see you once a month instead of once a week. You need to prioritise yourself.

Can you give her something to do? Help clearing/cleaning rooms in preparation for your move? General housework? Or is that a really bad idea?!?

Oh god, this would drive me crazy. I often feel like I’m drowning with ‘life stuff’ and I don’t have the MIL problem!

I think the issue is more to do with your DH than anything else, though. He should be responsible for his ‘people’ and you should be responsible for yours. Drives me mad when women are expected to manage family relationships (buy birthday presents etc) on behalf of their Hs.

Can you create a group chat with the two of them, so he can see what the contact is like and he can pick up the responding/ general dealing with her?

Definitely worth taking time to set expectations before the baby arrives. She can’t be round all the time once you’re recovering and bonding with your baby.

You are a woman, not a machine! No, you do not have to tie yourself into stressful knots trying to keep everyone else amused, and I'm quite pissed off on your behalf that you seem to be surrounded by supremely unempathetic people
You're currently in the middle of 3 of the most stressful things a person can go through in life - all at the same fucking time!
You're going to have to be firm here - you and your baby need to rest sometimes too! Once you've set your stall out, you back away and leave them all to it. You look after you first. It won't be forever and people who truly care about you will understand, even if they need to try really hard to get there in some cases

“I'm now dreaming of moving abroad again just for some space, if I'm honest. I've seriously looked into housing/costs...”

Speaking from experience if you live anywhere remotely nice this will just mean you have guests for weeks at at time - all the time.

I'm seriously impressed with the life you have created for yourself.
You plainly have a lot of drive.
But you still only have 24 hours in your day and your MIL is being ridiculous.

I would try and be clear that until the house stuff is sorted you just don't have enough time to see her every week.
( Then I would be looking for the next reason to push back on this ridiculous expectation)

Your DH can sort out his own relationship with his parents.

When she talks about coffee you can just vaguely push back, with busy at the moment, once things calm down kind of statements.

Rinse and repeat. You need to focus on putting yourself first.

I was you at one point in my life, with the exact same senario. Married, pregnant, selling and buying a house, our own business, and I had a 2 year old to make it even more fun. I know how hard it is.

First of all, you can only do what one human being can do. You can't "do it all" so don't even try. Delegate tasks, and plenty of them, to your employees and your husband.

Secondly, and I say this gently, you have to get a little prickly and tell your husband to get his obnoxious mother off your fucking back. She is not listen to your subtle clues, so I would cut back communicating with her by at least 95%. Your husband needs to grow up, grow a pair and deal with her. Tell him clearly you simply can't and won't manage her anymore. I honestly think nearly all of your stress is from being overwhelmed by her. She would drive me straight off a cliff.

Honestly, OP, I think you need to sit down with your husband and figure out how to deal with his mother before the baby arrives. She sounds like she will be extra full on when it is born, and you really don't need her pushing in when you are just after giving birth.

I'm sure she means well, and you sound like you don't want to hurt her feelings, but she's too much, and it's stressing you out. Whether her intentions are bad or not, the result is a negative impact on you.

You need to find some strength here and either tell her in a nice way that you simply don't have time, or make your husband tell her. Send your husband to visit on his own, it will be fine. Your in laws will just have to learn to cope.

Trust me, MILs like this don't tend to get better once the grandchildren come along, they get worse! You need to set boundaries now. It is not your job to alleviate her boredom. She's a grown woman who needs to find her own friends/ hobbies.

If you don't deal with it, you will end up resenting her which will actually make your relationship worse.

Again, with your friends - set some boundaries. Just text and say you are busy this week but you will catch up again soon. If they are real friends they will understand that you have a business to run, a new baby coming and are moving house.

If they are SAHM, they probably are just dying to get out of the house for a bit, but again if it doesn't suit you right now you need to be clear about that.
I have friends who I only see every 3 - 4 weeks because we have totally different schedules. We will occasionally text to catch up, but we don't punish eachother with guilt for not being available all the time.

You asked ”is it me?” and yes...it kind of is you. You need to manage your time and if work is impossible to reduce or delegate then you need to make time savings in other areas. If your husband has less work responsibility have him take more responsibility with the house move and other domestic stuff. As for the MIL you simply need to say no. Ignore calls and messages until such a time as it is convenient for you. Remember the world before mobile phones - we weren't contactable all the time and yet we survived. You and your MIL will too.

Not exactly the same, but when I was drowning in work and trying to homeschool, my MIL kept ringing me to update me on her friend who was in hospital.

I've never met this friend. It was sad, but, I don't know her.

I kept passing the phone to my husband until she got the message.

You really need to start making him take responsibility for his own parents.

What is with some friends being so needy, my closet are miles away in London, we can go weeks without speaking we pick up we’re we left off, we’ve known each other 31 years never one cross word, you -it yourself first, let dh look after his mother for a bit.

Trying to find a positive here.. Hopefully when baby is born MIL can be helpful with childcare?

I wouldn’t be answering her at all. If he can’t be bothered, why should you!

No to a sex scan-say you don’t want one. I’d also tell her you’re pretty sure it’s a boy .

I’d also say you’re knackered with pregnancy so aren’t planning any coffee dates at the moment.

She isn’t your problem to field.

Ah, OP, let me tell you a wee story.

My DH told me not to feel guilty about trying to keep MIL happy. He didn’t try to, he didn’t run after her, and he certainly didn’t pick up every time she called. But I felt guilty. So I tried to pick up the slack, and she was grateful, and then she kept pushing for more and more (just like he said she would), and finally when it was more than I could give, she didn’t care about all the effort I’d made. It just blew up in my face and she was incredibly horrific to me. Now it’s all settled down and I think we’re all in our “right” places in terms of how much we communicate and who communicates, and she’s very kind again. But if your husband can’t talk to his own parents for more than an hour and he’s known them a lot longer than you… take him at his word. Put the boundaries down now. It will be much worse after pregnancy if you don’t (she’s already pushing about the gender scan as if it’s just for her entertainment).

DO NOT FEEL GUILT about your boundaries. Not with friends, not with family, not even with DH. Those who love you will respect them and encourage you to have them, the same way your DH originally encouraged you to have boundaries with MIL (but you fell for the trap of “feeling bad,” which I totally understand). Anyone who cares should want you to be healthy and happy. And if you find you have trouble with firm boundaries, I recommend you take any time you would normally spend with MIL and spend it in counseling to learn boundary setting (so maybe 1 hour a week). It’s a skill you can use at home and in your business for the rest of your life.

You need to be firm and clear. I think people see you as not really working as you are self employed from home. It’s not a little bit if cash on side it’s all your family income and people are reliant on you. DH needs to see and speak to MIL alone.

If you're the boss, then you seriously need to start delegating to free up some time for yourself.

Most of your stress seems to be from the demands of your friends and MIL. Honestly, cut off the friends and get DH to handle everything with MIL. As in, block her on your phone. It's the nuclear option but have him tell her that your doctor has told you to cut out all stress for the baby or something.