AIBU First major parenting disagreement with DH

[JeffVaderneedsatray]

We have 2 DCs. DS is 16 and DD is 13.
I'm really lucky that this is the first time we have had a major disagreement about our DCs but it has really upskittled me - largely because I can see how it could pan out over the years.

DD is 13. She has an ASC and ADD. She has recently been growing in confidence and becoming a great deal more independent. Her little group of friends at school are lovely. Over the past couple of weeks she has been asking to meet them out of school at the park and I have been saying yes. She has a phone and is very sensible. Her first couple of trips have gone well.
On Friday she went to meet a friend and was a bit late home. Her arrival time was pushed back a couple of times - she let me know and kept in contact - and when she told em she was on the way home it took her twice as long to get home as I expected. DH was really worried when she was 5 minutes late! Once she was home we talked about expectations.

Yesterday she asked to go into town today with a friend. I am happy to let her - she understands that Friday can't happen again - I accept some blame for Friday because I wasn't clear about a time to be home and she accepts she needs to set off when she says etc. DH, however, seems to have been possessed by the spirit of some victorian father and thinks she shouldn't go. He did agree but was so fierce about her not being late that she got into a spiral of anxiety over being late that she now doesn't want to go.
I have spoken to DH about how anxious he's made her but he can't see why it's a problem.

For context my early teens were a lot more 'free range' than his. I lived miles from school so if I came home alone it involved a bus into a major city and then a train out. I was often out all day with friends riding or walking or biking. I am ancient so there were no mobile phones. I said roughly when I would be home and my mum didn't stress unless I was over an hour late because she factored delays in etc. Because of this if she said she didn't want to me to do something I knew there was a good reason. DH disapproves of my childhood - thinks it was borderline neglectful as I quite frequently was alone at night until about 11pm as my mum played in concerts.

I want DD to grow up feeling trusted. I want her to tell us where she is going and with whom. I want her to be honest and to be able to call if things go tits up and know we will get her no matter what. I can see why DH doesn't want her to go into town - he is over protective with both of them - but I just feel his approach will lead to her hiding what she is doing and I worry that it will lead to her not feeling like she can ask for help if outings etc go wrong in the future.

I cannot get DH to see that his dictatorial approach is counterproductive.

I may be catastrophying - I have form - but I didn't sleep well last night worrying about it and I woke up early today still stressing.

Gah. Apologies for the ramble.

@Katiebee008

I think your H is being very unreasonable and what happened on Friday is a non-event. Your daughter was out with a friend in the middle of the day and in touch with you throughout, the only thing she did that wasn't brilliant was say she was on her way when she wasn't - she could have text you halfway home to say it was taking longer than expected but if that's the first time it's ever happened she probably wasn't aware you were worried.

Her asking to go out again should just be met with "yeah sure, remember to let me know when you're actually on your way so I know when to expect you, need you home by X time".

I agree with you. And we talked it all through.

DH is a right worry wart. As I said, none of us is NT. Until we had kids I didn't realise just how anxious he was!

Your last paragraph is exactly the approach I took until DH became Mr Victorian Dad.

However I think we've resolved it a bit so we shall see how things go from here.

One hint I can give you that worked for my four kids is that I always asked what time they'd be home, never told them a time. They knew that if they were later than the time they had told me, I would be really angry, so if they said 10pm, they were usually in earlier. They overestimated to make sure they'd be back on time.

Your DH is being absolutely bloody ridiculous. My own mum was very anxious. But even still we were allowed out at that age and weren't expected back until 6pm for tea.

Your DH will lose her if he carries on this way.

I think you are doing great. You are both flexing and talking. Maybe set your husband up that this is a learning experience for your child. She might not always get it right- because she's learning. If she makes a mistakes you discuss it, tell her what would be better next time and then let her try that.

Better to practise these things now and make the mistakes in the middle of the day....rather than in a few years when she is out late. She will have got into a rhythm of what's acceptable by then.

My dad was exactly like your DH when I was growing up. My brothers were allowed much more independence but I was watched like a hawk. I still carry a lot of resentment about it.

You don’t mention how dh is with your ds? Was he the same with him?

My two are 14 and 15. They’ve been going out and about since about year 8 to town and year 7 just local. My15 year old is fantastic with coming home on time or if she’s not going to be in time letting me know. The 14 year old is a nightmare. Coming back much later than he should be. We’ve had huge discussions as his phone usually goes “flat” (turned off!). I’m much stricter with him as he’s proved time and time again he can’t be trusted. I’m much stricter than DH, I get worried much earlier than him! As long as they keep in touch then it’s a non issue. At least they aren’t doing what I was at their age, my mum never knew where I was or who I was with.

Was he like this with your son? Is it because she is “his little girl” and doesn’t want to see her growing up or more because she is female and he sees danger for her around every corner?

It sounds like it is being resolved but I have to say that I think your DH is being completely and totally ridiculous. She is 13, not 7 and was largely responsible. Yes, if she's not going to be home on time, she absolutely should be telling you and that's an important lesson for her that you were upset and worried, not that she only got home at 5:40 but that you had expected her earlier. But it's not enough to mean she can't ever go out again. I'd be telling her that losing track of time and being late is a no-go and it mustn't happen again, sure, but not banning her from going out.

@MzHz

You don’t mention how dh is with your ds? Was he the same with him?

We didn't have the same experience with DS. He, too, has an ASC and is very solitary. He hates going out unless he has to so hanging out at the park or going into town would not be something he would want to do. He isn't interested in a 'social life' - he talks to his mates at school but comes home and does his own thing.

He is very like DH to be honest. DH sees no reason to go 'into town' for example unless to buy or look for a specific thing. He talks to his workmates at work but rarely does anything with them outside of work. He has one close friend he met at uni through a shared hobby and that's it.

DD is like me - we need people but also need space. I'll meet a friend for coffee and a chat or go to my favourite shop even if I don't NEED anything.

If anything DH is MORE protective of DS but then DS is far less 'savvy' about the world than his sister. Up until he finished his GCSEs they walked home together and it was DD 'looking after' DS rather than the other way round!

DS would need several trips into town with an adult gradually hanging back more and more before we'd be confident to let him loose on his own. He's far more anxious than DD - about everything. To get him to get the bus home from school for example took several trips driving the bus route, then trips with me, then an adult 'putting him on the bus' at one end and one of us meeting him at the other end etc.

Its a totally different ball game with DS than DD so tricky to compare but I'd say DGH would be just as 'controlling'

UPDATE
She's had a fabulous time. Came home full of tales of sausage rolls and wearing the most adorable bunny ears.
Her friend's dad was late picking her up but she kept us informed and made it through the door only 3 minutes behind schedule.
DH is really proud of her.# and seems to be a bit more relaxed.
Fingers crossed for another time.

Great news OP 😊

Such a great update.

So my DS is NT and pretty smart (as far as 13 year old boys can be) and I can't relate with this level of anxiety and control BUT I have find my friends on his phone and check his whereabouts often if he's out - I do it especially if he's getting a bus or walking somewhere mostly so I can keep an eye and make sure he's going in the right direction etc without micro managing him (to his face) and letting him work things out himself.
The other advantage of this is you can ping the phone if they don't answer a call and it makes a loud annoying beep that is impossible to ignore or miss.