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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Screen Time

7 replies

MahMahMahMahCorona · 25/07/2021 22:22

I've put Family Link on DC11 & DC9 phones. It means I can check out their activity / limit apps / give permission for new downloads etc.

DC have gone to their dad for the week - left this morning and arrived at 11am.

DC11 has been on a particular interactive (it doesn't work in the background) gaming app their phone for 5hr54, DC9 same app for 7hr57.

AIBU to think this is utterly shit parenting? He hasn't seen them for 2 weeks. I've put limits on the apps now for 2hours per day. OH thinks this might be the wrong thing to do (DC use screens to avoid their dad's awful behaviour). What can I do? CAO is less than 6 months old.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 25/07/2021 22:29

If they use screens to avoid his awful behaviour then I would say it probably is the wrong thing to do in the short term. You can't punish them for his shit parenting.

In terms of what you should do, it depends on the circumstances. What do you want to do? Do you want them to spend less time with him/change the contact order? Or the same time but he changes his parenting? Is that realistic? Would he talk to someone/take a parenting course? Is there anything you can do to facilitate better quality contact? Too many variables for us to advise really.

Freddiefox · 25/07/2021 22:33

My ds was once on his switch for 11 hours. Ex didn’t know I could see how long he was on for.. lots of excuses about rain and needing a update, but it’s shit parenting.

Can y
You tell what app you are using for the phones? Pls

Original poster
MahMahMahMahCorona · 25/07/2021 22:41

@NuffSaidSam - thank you for your response. In my heart of hearts I know it's the wrong thing to do (and when they're with the other parent one just cannot "police" what they're doing), it just saddens me greatly that he took me to court for more contact and yet they simply sit inside all day on screens, never go anywhere, and come home pasty white and square eyed, lacking affection and attention, needing to be pieced back together again like broken jigsaws.

If I were to email their dad and try to talk to him about it I would be wholly ignored as he would simply enjoy having pushed my emotional buttons. We both did a SPIP and I asked court for him to do a Parenting Course but it wasn't ordered.

I guess the thing they have on their side is age, soon they won't have to go, and only two (separate) weeks over the summer holidays. No more than that was granted. I just feel so sad that he doesn't want to get to know them. He won't have taken annual leave either this week so will be working 8-6 from home. He prioritises his annual leave for holidays for himself rather than with the children...

OP posts:
Original poster
MahMahMahMahCorona · 25/07/2021 22:43

@Freddiefox

My ds was once on his switch for 11 hours. Ex didn’t know I could see how long he was on for.. lots of excuses about rain and needing a update, but it’s shit parenting.

Can y
You tell what app you are using for the phones? Pls

Freddie - for the iPhone I used my own Apple ID to control it all, for the Android it's called Family Link. Very very helpful to manage their phones when at home, however I have always removed these limits when with their dad. It just shocks me each time I look. Perhaps I shouldn't look when they're there.
OP posts:
chunderwunder · 25/07/2021 23:19

I get how this would be really difficult and upsetting.

But, you know a court's not really going to listen if you say 'they're on their screens too much when they're with their dad'.

I guess you need to think about what you want to achieve and what will help your DCs, both in the short and longer term. But amending a CAO because kids spent 7 hours on screens at the weekend/holidays? Ain't gonna happen no matter how rubbish parenting you feel it is.

I think you know he's a shit dad and this breaks your heart but having a window into that will just torture you.

Original poster
MahMahMahMahCorona · 25/07/2021 23:36

Thank you @chunderwunder - "I think you know he's a shit dad and this breaks your heart but having a window into that will just torture you." - you've hit the nail on the head. I've been reminded that I can't change my ex, nor can I ever hope to improve his parenting (it was pretty dire when we were together...), all that I can change is my response and reaction to his behaviour. It's a good reminder to have had - I guess this grey rock thing is ideal when I've got the children here with me, but when they're with him, my emotional responses are triggered because of that very window. Thank you.

OP posts:
Chris1986 · 01/09/2021 21:12

Hi - i have been really battling with screen time over lock down and the challenge of trying to get my kids to go outside and burn some energy…I needed help finding an incentive that wasn’t sugar related. I tried loads of apps, but came across one that is launching in October called Stride n Seek that is a family based app that is an educational themed augmented reality (when you see real things through the phone camera - like massive dinos) treasure hunt with a built in compass. you are rewarded for the distance you cover and it encourages you to use less screen time at all turns. We are testing it so it is not out yet, but the kids absolutely loved it and it is now a fixed weekend feature! Sharing as a game changer for us.

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