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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like I'm sharing DP

14 replies

neteldoe · 25/07/2021 21:56

I'm happy to be told I'm BU, and I probably am but I need to rant.

DPs cousin is about 3 years younger than me and DP, we are 22 and he's 18. Me and DP have been together for 6 years.

His cousin didn't have a good childhood at all, he was abused and neglected by his mum and her boyfriend, his father got custody of him and then passed away, he was then looked after by his grandma and that was happy but he obviously went through a lot as a young child. DP however, had a good childhood, so I suspect he feels guilty that his cousin went through a lot. They were very close growing up apparently but DP started ‘looking after’ his cousin.

As a result, his cousin also has mental health issues and has suicidal thoughts. He always speaks to DP as he's the only person he trusts.

They also spend a lot of time together, here and out. Me and DP never really spend much time alone together.

I recently found out I was pregnant, and we were going to speak about it tonight etc but he's out with his cousin again! He asked DP if he wanted to go for a drink as he was ‘bored’, DP said yes but I suspect he'll come back very drunk as he doesn't have work until tomorrow night.

Aibu here?

OP posts:

Original poster

neteldoe · 25/07/2021 22:19

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 25/07/2021 22:22

Why do you need to speak about it tonight?
If it was unplanned and you’re making decisions whether or not to terminate, then he absolutely should be with you and not his cousin. But if there’s no urgency, I can see why he’d go out.

It’s great that he’s so caring towards his cousin, but it’s a shame the two of you haven’t ironed out the issues that causes in your relationship.

Xmassprout · 25/07/2021 22:22

Did your partner know that you was supposed to be talking about the pregnancy tonight? If so, you're not being unreasonable.

If your partner had to help your cousin through a mental health crisis, I could understand. But to go out on the piss because they're bored, that's out of order. He needs to sort his priorities, especially if there's going to be a baby on the way

bettercalljimmy · 25/07/2021 22:22

YABU

Original poster

neteldoe · 25/07/2021 22:37

Yes, he did know we were meant to talk about the pregnancy as it's unplanned so we don't know what we want to do.

OP posts:

bakingdemon · 25/07/2021 22:40

I'm inclined to sympathise with you, but how much time is a lot of time? If you have this baby, are you confident DP will realise that this can't continue and he will need to prioritise time with his family?

Honeyroar · 25/07/2021 22:41

Well that should have helped the decision- you’re going out with a child who isn’t facing up to his responsibilities, and you feel like you’re sharing him already. Imagine how absolutely crap he’ll be when there’s a tiny, crying baby wanting his time and attention too…

Saoirse82 · 25/07/2021 22:42

I was going to say YABU until I read about the pregnancy part, on those grounds I'd say YANBU.

HollowTalk · 25/07/2021 22:42

Oh you're so young to be having a baby, particularly given the way your boyfriend is with his cousin. He doesn't sound mature enough to be a father, does he?

HollowTalk · 25/07/2021 22:43

I misunderstood - he actually knows you're pregnant, it's unexpected, and he's gone out to get pissed with his cousin? That really tells you everything. You poor thing.

Cam2020 · 25/07/2021 22:49

I sympathise with you both, here. Obviously you need time to talk and to be made a priority, but your BF is obviously very concerned about his cousin's MH - especially as you say he's had suicidal thoughts and can't speak to anyone else. It's more then your bf is qualified to deal with, though.

Cocomarine · 25/07/2021 22:52

Is he avoiding talking about the pregnancy because he’s an arsehole, or because he’s scared and sticking his head in the sand?
Obviously he’d win no points for the latter, but it might be vaguely forgivable. The former, not.

Chloemol · 25/07/2021 23:12

Yes

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 23:12

I am completely on the fence here.
He seems a lovely guy and he is being there for someone who has had a really shit time and I suspect when he asks him out for a drink it’s not because he’s bored it’s because he’s suicidal.

But there is also a limit as he is in a relationship with you so there needs to be a balance.

I would have a chat to him about it but I’d say it in a way that you are concerned for him.
I know from personal experience how much it impacts you when someone is feeling suicidal and you are responsible for whether they take their own life or not.
Don’t try and make him feel guilty as he already has a lot on his plate it sounds like.

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