AIBU to feel sad about how life’s turned out?

[ReallyNeedAFriend]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable feeling like “life is just shit!” and would like some outside perspective on this...

My husband has been ill (life threatening ill - not just a case of wearing the dressing gown of doom) and had major life saving surgery a year ago.

Since he’s been ill everything is just crap and instead of getting better is getting more crap (he’s getting better now but still has a way to go with rehab etc and won’t make a full recovery unfortunately.)

I gave up my job that I loved (when he became ill) as it meant long hours, a long commute and working away from home regularly - I couldn’t do this as he was too poorly to be left for long periods and took a job locally that meant I would only be 5 minutes away if there was an emergency....I hate this job, it’s not what I worked towards and doesn’t use my experience or qualifications. I dread Mondays now and literally count the days until any annual leave. It also meant a massive pay cut (on top of hubby not being able to work) so every month is a struggle for money.

I am SO grateful hubby is still here and I didn’t lose him (which was a very real likelihood) but he’s a different man now, he struggles to do anything some days, his moods are awful and he takes his frustration out on me (verbally - he would never lay a hand on me.) He used to treat me like a princess and we had one of those relationships friends were jealous off - that’s all gone, our physical relationship has also gone 100% and he won’t even entertain the idea “trying” to have a physical relationship yet.

I’m only in my late 30’s and it just feels like I’m going to spend the next 50 years living like this and it really makes me sad. I haven’t told anyone how I’m feeling as it seems so “selfish” to feel this way - am I being unreasonable to just want to cry when I think about all this?

Just to be clear I am REALLY REALLY glad he’s still here, just finding it all so hard.

That sounds incredibly stressful. Your DH , can he access a support group for those with similar struggle & also, Counselling? A life changing illness can be devestating MH wise. And, job wise is there any way you could do a job like your old one part time , would that be as good £ as your crappy one you hate that's rubbish money? Also can you access Counselling or a support group too? IME of SIM lar, it's so overwhelming that just having someone to pour it out to gives you a huge sense if relief & a clearer view that there could be ways things can improve.

I’m sorry it’s so hard. It sounds like maybe you’re in the worst bit now and with time it might start to feel better. You’re very young to be in such a horrible situation and it’s natural to grieve for the life you had before. Are there charities for your husband’s condition that you could turn to for support? It sounds like you really need to talk to someone who understands what you’re going through.

Oh that's so tough for you.

Can you go back to your old job? Would he cope if you weren't there all the time?

I am so sorry to hear this dps health has declined in the last few years to the poi t he never leaves the house now, because of his pain.

He has also lost his heating completely. I moved jobs too, but luckily the move was also a good one. His family live close so will come and sit with him if I need to go away.

But it's really hard. I adore him, but he is a shadow of his formself. Like you, I feel immensely guilty feeling unhappy in my life. But there's not going to be any holidays, days out fun things for quite while.

Yanbu, to feel like you do. But I don't have suggestions to make you feel better. I wish a fast recovery (or as fast as it can be) for your husband and hope it gets easier for you all soon.

This sounds awful for you. I do understand what it's like not to have the life you imagined - my DH died of cancer 2 years ago, I never imagined myself and teenage DDs living without him. I always imagined us travelling round the world together in our retirement, but he never got old enough to retire. Sometimes life throws us curve balls.
I imagine your DH is processing a lot of anger that he has lost his former self, that he can't do the job or his favourite activities that he loved before he was ill, that he can't be to you the DH he was before. He definitely needs counselling. Can your doctor refer you to family counselling? I would definitely have a chat with your GP if you can, more about you and your feelings than anything else. They may be able to refer you to support groups for people suffering with your husband's condition and their families.

It is possible that your marriage may not survive this. If your DH refuses to have counselling, for instance, you may have to present him with an ultimatum. You are still quite young. There will be a time in the future when you can probably get another job that you love. I last changed jobs (albeit in the same field - education) at 48 and I absolutely love the job I have now. If you're only in your 30s, don't think that you have to do this job you hate forever. There will be better times ahead. Please talk to someone in real life - a family member, a friend, a GP, a counsellor, just someone you can pour your heart out to. You never know what ideas they may have to help you. I wish you all the best.

Can you get your old job back?

Definitely sounds like some counselling for you both is needed and more mental health support for him. Has he discussed his low mood with his Gp?

Some information about likely recovery and timelines would be good if this is something physical that has happened.

Don't feel selfish for talking about this it's important. There is lots you can do to address some of the issues but ultimately, if it's not right you have other options.

So hard for you - my OH became ill and I spent many years caring for someone who was not really the person I married. But I did it.

I was older than you when this all started and I can fully understand that the future looks bleak in your mind. It is not disloyal to have these feelings - neither of you expected this; and I am sure he would have the same feelings in your shoes.

I hope very much that things will ease as time goes by and his recovery progresses.

Remember to make time for yourself - that was all that kept me passingly sane.

My OH has died now and I feel lonely and sad; but there is also an element of relief that I am able to lead something resembling a normal life.

I send you

Thank you everyone for the kind reply’s - I really thought I get flamed for writing all of that, but had to get it off my chest.

We have both been referred for counselling (separately) hubby due to his condition and me just to talk things through - unfortunately the waiting lists are huge and it doesn’t look like we will get this help anytime soon. Hubby has also been put on antidepressants but keeps stopping and starting them (which really isn’t helpful.)

I “hope” to go back to my old career at some point, although unfortunately will not be able to return to same company - at the moment though it just isn’t feasible.

I think what I need at the moment is someone to talk too but that’s not been easy during the pandemic (as hubby is also extremely vulnerable and was shielding) so we’ve had to keep away from everyone. I’ve been incredibly isolated and that’s also made his illness seem extra scary.

Hugs to all those who are going through similar/worse situations x

It sounds like your in a difficult situation and feeling trapped?
I understand those feelings because l was widowed eight years ago and it's been incredibly hard at times having the physical, emotional and mental strength to constantly adapt to a way of life l never planned. Like you l feel l can't really talk to many as they are fond of saying at least you got to see your sons growing up . Yes l did, and l am grateful for that, but at the same time it's not been easy.
What has helped me is trying to make peace with it all, I've had to develop a new mindset otherwise l would have lost the plot.
You need to do something everyday for yourself, because it's important you have a life too. I have filled my home with pets, books and plants, it takes away the emptiness, and l make more effort 're fami!y an friends. Forums are very good to get thing off your chest, there will be some on Facebook etc, you will feel less alone.
Wishing you all the best.

Hi OP
This is really tough for you. There is very little understanding unfortunately of how serious illness affects the wider family and how suddenly your expectations for life have to change through circumstances outside your control.
My DH has renal failure and is currently on dialysis. It's really quite shit but every day we put a brave face on and make the best of it.
Depending on the illness you may be able to find support groups but I think that can be a mixed blessing sometimes. How are your existing friends and family?

Look into local or relevant groups / family and carer groups... Or couples counselling or psychology for adjustment and thinking about the future.

No you’re not unreasonable to find this incredibly hard, but believe it or not it’s early days. You haven’t lost your job for no reason; you made a sensible choice at the time. Also, what your situation is now is not what it will be for the next fifty years! Think back to the worst time. Things have changed from that. They’ll also change from this, so don’t lose hope. You love your DP and that’s a lot. Things will change again and again in your life and how you feel now is not how you’ll feel forever.

Thank you all 😊

I think I am “grieving” (hate to use that word as no one has died, but can’t think of a better way to describe it) for the life we should have had (or I at least thought we’d have.) We were trying for a baby before he got ill (we were unfortunately struggling and just starting along the route of IVF etc) and now that’s unlikely to happen.

My previously very loving hubby now looks at me like I’m an annoyance half the time and I don’t even need to do anything to seem to annoy him!

I am putting a brave face on it, but that’s getting harder and harder to do, I can’t remember the last time I really laughed or had some fun (not blaming hubby for that, he would normally encourage me to go out with friends, but Covid has obviously made that difficult recently.)

I think what I need is someone to talk too and get it all out, I just don’t know how to arrange this with the NHS having such long waiting lists.

Can you get out alone or with friends for some exercise ?

A walk with nature & the changing seasons would help

Darling this sounds so hard! You are very brave. I do get the feeling that there is still a lot of love there from both sides and that things will improve again. In the meantime, look after yourself and try to carve bits of time just for you.

Just wanted to say a big thank you for all the kind posts, it helps just to know people understand xx

Hi OP,
first of all, I am sorry for what you and your DH have been gone through, and am so happy that he is still here with you.
But you're not being selfish. All this didn't happen to just him, it happened to both of you, and from personal experience, you both need help and support! Your feelings are valid, and they do not make you a bad person, on the contrary.

Would recommend therapy for you first and for most! Care givers need help, support, counselling, and a strong support system in place.

I am sending you lots of love lovely! If you want to chat, or someone to just vent to I am here, DM me whenever!