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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS13 turned up at his dads

24 replies

margy0 · 25/07/2021 17:52

DS’ dad left me for someone else when DS was younger and saw DS eow but he then decided he didn't want to see DS. As DS got older he realised his dad didn't want to see him.

Last night, me and DP told him to stop giving us attitude and to stop picking on his younger brother (5) he shouted at us both and told DP that he's not his real dad and that he cant tell him what to do.

Today, he told us he was going out with his friends, but I've just got a call from his father using DS’ phone and he told me that DS is at his, no idea how DS remembers where he lives as he hasn't been there for years!

His dad has said he'll bring him back here but apparently DS is asking him to not make him go back here.

It also means DS would've gotten 2 buses and a train to get there.

I just feel so sad for him and I feel like such a bad mum Sad

OP posts:
Zzzzzzxxx · 25/07/2021 17:54

You are doing a great job. He’s 13 doing what 13 year olds do. Your ex dosn’t sound nice tho. Didn’t want to read and run.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/07/2021 17:57

What's going on behind this?

You said he's been told off for giving you attitude. What is it he is actually doing? And how do you tell him off?

Yes, some kids do run off for no reason but it really isnt normal for a kid to run off to a dad he hasn't seen in years because of one telling off.

Merryoldgoat · 25/07/2021 18:01

What’s the backstory?

A 13 yo who is happy doesn’t leave home to go to a parent who has already effectively abandoned them.

He’s desperate so what’s actually going on, whether it’s his perception or the actual situation.

girlmom21 · 25/07/2021 18:01

At least his dad had the courtesy to call and let you know.

Can you speak to DS on the phone?

Original poster
margy0 · 25/07/2021 18:09

He has been pushing boundaries a lot recently, and acting very off with DP when they used to have a good relationship.

We just asked him to stop giving us attitude and to stop picking on his brother.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 25/07/2021 18:09

It's great that your ex partner is able to discuss this with you.
As other posters have said, there is more to this situation than meets the eye.

Merryoldgoat · 25/07/2021 18:13

What happened with his little brother?

MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose · 25/07/2021 18:18

Could his dad have got back in touch with him, say via Social Media, and that's where the attitude and landing there has suddenly come from?

queenMab99 · 25/07/2021 18:20

I can imagine that the longing to see his father has been hidden, and he felt unable to talk about it, and the recent incident has just brought it to the fore, however it doesn't mean that OP and her DH are doing a bad job in caring for him, but perhaps he needs some outside help to deal with it. His father would have to be very hard hearted to continue not seeing him after this.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/07/2021 18:23

My sister and I had issues at that age and we didn't have to deal with a parent not wanting us. I kept on getting told off not her and she's admitted things and apologised since - could there be more going on between your two sons?

Could your son be jealous of his little brother? It must be awful knowing your Dad doesn't want to see you even if you do have a brilliant step parent.

It doesn't mean you're doing a bad job at all but it sounds like your child has a lot going on in his head and may be causing him to act out.

Anonmummyoftwo · 25/07/2021 18:23

There probably more to it but it seems like he’s acting out because he wants a relationship with bio dad. Could you possibly get him to take a active role in his sons life. Seeing his brother having a relationship with his bio dad could be having a impact on him

justasking111 · 25/07/2021 18:34

Heart to heart Time. He's unhappy. Five year olds can pull some stunts too being manipulative. It's a difficult age

Original poster
margy0 · 25/07/2021 18:37

He's been starting to hit DS2 (when he thinks we aren't looking, but we notice). I think he could be jealous as he has said before that it's not fair his brother sees his dad but he doesn't, that was a while ago though.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 25/07/2021 18:41

The simplest and most likely explanation is that he feels like he isn't fully part of the family because his brother is the child of both you and your partner and your son is not.

This is compounded by his total abandonment by his father.

There will be immense hurt he isnt verbalising and I should imagine specialist (paediatric) counselling is in order. FlowersFlowers

SirGawain · 25/07/2021 18:47

@Zzzzzzxxx

You are doing a great job. He’s 13 doing what 13 year olds do. Your ex dosn’t sound nice tho. Didn’t want to read and run.
Where did the OP make any negative comment on ex H.
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/07/2021 18:51

Maybe he's been storing it all up then.

It does sound like he's jealous of his brother who has got his Dad and parents together. He on the other hand has his Mum but his Dad doesn't want to see him. No matter how good your partner is that'll sting for your son.

It's not right at all that he's hitting your son and you're quite right to tell him off but he's unhappy and it needs dealing with.

Maybe some counselling will help like some PP's suggested

NutellaEllaElla · 25/07/2021 18:52

She said her ex decided he didn't want to see his son so yeah

Spidey66 · 25/07/2021 18:52

@SirGawain
When she said his dad decided he no longer wanted to see him. That doesn't paint a good picture imo.

Needapoodle · 25/07/2021 18:52

Poor boy and poor you. As his dad is such a waste of space, your son has probably built up a picture of what his dad would be like in his head. I imagine he's acting up because his dad is a bad dad, not because you're a bad mum.

My cousins were the same when they were that age. Their dad buggered off when they were very young. They built up a picture of him into this loving dad. It crushed them when they realised he really was just a dick who couldn't be bothered to be a dad.

icedcoffees · 25/07/2021 19:06

Are you sure his dad hasn't been in touch with him via social media before now?

LtDansleg · 25/07/2021 19:11

@SirGawain when she said he refused to have anything to do with his son anymore?

HOkieCOkie · 25/07/2021 19:17

@LtDansleg she literally wrote he used to see her son EOw until her ex decided he didn’t want to anymore.

Lindy2 · 25/07/2021 19:25

13 year olds are hard work. I have one. I'm sure if she had an alternative address to go to she'd have stormed off there several times by now.

The grass always seems greener on the other side to a young teen and I imagine he thinks all other parents are great fun and let their kids do whatever they want. Perhaps a few days with a waste of space dad who doesn't even really want him there might give him a gentle reality check about his home and his behaviour?

Spidey66 · 26/07/2021 11:10

[quote HOkieCOkie]@LtDansleg she literally wrote he used to see her son EOw until her ex decided he didn’t want to anymore.[/quote]
That's what Lt Dansleg said, in response to SirGawain saying

Where did the OP make any negative comment on ex H.

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