Living at home whilst at university

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MY ds who is 21 lived at home whist he was at university and commuted, DS has ASD and is high functioning. Since finishing his degree this year DS has said that he feels he didn't give much thought at the time to considering living in halls when he went to university as at the time he thought he might find it challenging.

DS has recently said that he wonders whether he should have tried living in halls and come out of his comfort zone but he's ok with the decision he made to stay at home. I've read threads on mumsnet where posters have said people who commute miss out overall for the university experience.

When lockdown first happened all of his classes moved online and it stayed that way for the rest of his degree meaning DS did not see any of his course mates ever again leading DS to feel a bit isolated and he has not met up with anyone of his age since the first lockdown started.

Not sure what your AIBU is as you can’t change the past. That said, I encouraged my daughter to choose a different city for university as it’s just been the two of us most of her life and I think living with her peers and gaining more independence is important. She loved it for the short amount of time she was there before they were all sent home in Dec for another lockdown. She’s hoping this year she’ll actually get to be a student with shops, pubs etc actually open.

Tbh he didn’t miss much due to Covid. He’d have been trapped In Accommodation with people he may not have liked, or back at yours anyway but deeper in Debt due to accommodation costs.

I only have contact now with one person from Uni (because I married him). Your ds will make new friends.

Taking covid out of the equation, it's worth remembering that different people want different things from the university experience. I was already past the clubbing/ all nighters stage, so I bought a house five miles away. I could still socialise, but on my terms, not being kept awake by housemates with different lifestyles to my own.

(I appreciate most students can't buy houses now. Had I not been able to do that, I'd have lived at home.)

Tbh he didn’t miss much due to Covid. He’d have been trapped In Accommodation with people he may not have liked, or back at yours anyway but deeper in Debt due to accommodation costs

It does depend on the student. DD's first year, all academics online, was saved only by the fact she lived away. She's had a lot of fun in halls, so doesn't feel she's missed out.

If she'd been at home she would have had the same course content but not made any friends at all. Expensive yes, I agree. But money well spent in our book.

Yeah sorry it's not really an Aibu as you can't change the past, I think I was looking for a bit of reassurance to tell DS to not dwell on it.

All he can do is learn from this. I think he's right that he would most likely have benefited more from living away - not just socially but in learning other skills and having the experience of realising he can survive difficult, daunting situations.

He made the best decision he could at the time, but now he has more information and understanding so that he can make different, better decisions in future.

He made the best decision he could at the time, but now he has more information and understanding so that he can make different, better decisions in future

^^Wise words. But he should also realise he may be ready for challenges now that he wasnt at 18 and not give himself a hard time.

@user16395699

All he can do is learn from this. I think he's right that he would most likely have benefited more from living away - not just socially but in learning other skills and having the experience of realising he can survive difficult, daunting situations.

He made the best decision he could at the time, but now he has more information and understanding so that he can make different, better decisions in future.

Just to add, I don't think it is helpful to deal with regret by going into denial and pretending your decision was perfect. That way you just keep repeating the same mistakes and don't grow or learn from it, because you end up stuck needing to validate your original mistake by repeating it to try and "prove" to yourself it was right.

Not useful.

So don't "reassure" him it was a perfect decision when you both know it wasn't, because that encourages him to repeat the same mistake. Reassure him by teaching him how to use regret as a learning experience to power different, better decisions in future.

@Porcupineintherough

He made the best decision he could at the time, but now he has more information and understanding so that he can make different, better decisions in future

^^Wise words. But he should also realise he may be ready for challenges now that he wasnt at 18 and not give himself a hard time.

Absolutely.

Different countries view the Uni experience very differently. In Australian very few students live on campus and many stay living at home so it's the norm. We also expect students to work through Uni so socialising happens very differently. Personally I would tried and flip this around and help him see how much he's grown in that the now might be ready for an experience that he wasn't ready for at the time. Now is the perfect time for him to consider what he would like to do in the next few years. He is young and has lots of time to move and have all the experience that he would like to have. Living on campus can be great but it can also be negative experience for many students. It's cramped and loud and getting along well with others (and being flexible) is important. He may prefer to move out soon and live with one or two close friends that he is in tune with. Best of luck to your DS.

It depends where you are. My DD is from England and at Glasgow uni and covid aside, one of the big disappointments for her is the number of students who live at home and commute in. She started before covid so this isn’t just a covid thing. I did warn her before she went that the student composition would be distorted as a consequence of the different approach to fees, (not to mention the age difference as Scottish students start slightly younger) but neither of us expected quite so many students to be living at home.