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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel he's lying for no good reason

12 replies

Sconeandjamx · 25/07/2021 13:02

I'll try keep it short. Someone I got very close too has recently come back. He went away sorted himself and has reappeared. Opened up and apologised. Told me how much I mean to him.

When we fell in love last year things were complex. I was recently separated from my children's dad. We were still living together but apart. The guy I met was recently sober and on his first year to recovery. He was lovely and we shared quite a few months of closeness

We fell out way back in March. It was him that couldn't handle a tiny little blip and he blew off and walked away. Probably his recovery as things were definitely over reacted too. He broke my heart so to speak. But I got on with things. He reached out after a few weeks but after a couple of days the issues we had had were brought up by me and he again couldn't handle it. We had a few weeks of being friends but I found out that whilst we had stopped talking he had met someone online and they had been having sex. She told me all. She was a nice woman. Felt bad to have not known about me and him. But she said he didn't ever show or suggest love. She said neither of them were in love and she didn't want him as anything as he had told her he didn't want a relationship and she didn't feel he was right for her and her family. So she saw it as a few weekends of sex and now a friendship.

3 days ago he sent me a message. He said he really would love to talk and he understood if I didn't want too. So we talked for a couple of hours and for the first time in his life he opened up. Apologised. Told me he was struggling so much with us not being in each others lives. He said he tried but never could forget how close we were and he missed me so much. He said he was stubborn. Said he knows he's not easy. But he said he's always felt so comfortable around me and he still loves me. He said he doesn't want to waste anymore time and for a few weeks now he said he's been so afraid of loosing me for good and he was afraid of me telling him where to go.
I was shocked at how he opened up. Its big stuff for him and I do believe him. We shared such a good bond but his depression and things used to get the better of him and basically on the good days he's like a soul mate. But on his low days he can struggle to be the person I love.

Anyway he asked me out yesterday. Said he wanted me to finally be his girlfriend and he wants to make me happy and he just knows there's nobody else he wants.

But when I asked him if there had been anyone else whilst we were apart he said no. Nobody. But the lady is still his Facebook friend and liked his photo this morning. I know she's slept with him and I know he told her he didn't want a relationship with her. So they know where they are at. But they do seem to have a bond and I don't like it. Mainly because he isn't prepared to tell me the truth.

What would you do? When I called her he knew someone had contacted her and he actually asked me if it was me. But I said no and she kindly agreed to keep it to herself that I had asked. But I feel sure he must know it was me. ..we were not together at that point so he's not cheated on me. But he's reluctant for me to know. But that's just lying isn't it?

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 25/07/2021 13:05

Me, from what you described, would walk away. But I don’t know all the ins and outs. If you do want to pursue it, I’d just flat out ask. There’s no point in not bringing it up if you are thinking of it going elsewhere otherwise it’s always going to be the giant elephant in the room and a huge obstacle before the relationship has even begun.

Honeyroar · 25/07/2021 13:09

If you haven’t got honesty what have you got? It sounds like you’d just be opening yourself up to a load more hassle.

NotYourNachos · 25/07/2021 13:09

Leave it
To much drama before you’ve even got together

Sparklesocks · 25/07/2021 13:14

Honestly it sounds like far more work than it should be. If you’d only been together a year it should still be relatively breezy and in the honeymoon phase, not causing endless stress and heartbreak.

Sconeandjamx · 25/07/2021 13:15

Yes I think so too. But because he's lied about it I'm not sure how to bring her up. I only found out through my gut feelings and It makes me look abit nosey. I figured it out because she was writing on his stuff on Facebook like she really knew him or was interested. I looked on her profile and she wasn't local. Was a hairdresser and he works in building. So absolutely had no work links. No friends in common. I put it all together and figured she was random. She confirmed the rest. So how do I tell him I noticed her appearing on alot of his posts without sounding like a stalker!

I have never gotten over him which is why I'm finding this so so hard. It felt like life was just getting in the way and it wasn't our time. But I find it abit hard to accept that he doesn't feel a sexual encounter from a dating app should be removed if he really wants us to work. Or have I not got the right to feel that way. The fact they can get on so well after sex makes me feel they have a real closeness and he's not going to tell me they still talk on the phone every week. She told me this. I just feel sad. I' feel like I don't have the energy for another clash with him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/07/2021 13:18

Bloody hell, unless you want your life to be like a soap opera, I'd get out now. Quite honestly anyone who veers between being a soulmate and someone you don't love on a regular basis should be avoided.

Etinox · 25/07/2021 13:18

Walk away. You don’t owe him anything and it’s doing your head in already.
Flowers

Sconeandjamx · 25/07/2021 13:22

Yeah don't worry I'm not really easily fooled. I don't like nonsense and I am thinking this is not a good start. It's great he's taken time out and realised how good we were. I do think she was exactly what she was. Fun and they are both 2 adults who have stayed on good terms. But I don't like being lied to. The truth should have been said.
Thank you for your views. It's helpful

OP posts:
GrrRightBackAtYou · 25/07/2021 13:26

But that's just lying isn't it?

As is

he knew someone had contacted her and he actually asked me if it was me. But I said no

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/07/2021 13:28

When I called her he knew someone had contacted her and he actually asked me if it was me. But I said no and she kindly agreed to keep it to herself that I had asked.

So you lied too? This isn't sounding like a good relationship at all.

MartyHart · 25/07/2021 13:40

I don't understand why you haven't just told him you know. Ask him why he didn't tell you?
To be fair though they were together when you were split up and just because you wouldn't be friends with someone after doesn't mean he can't.
I think you should just forget it.

Drivingmeupthewall · 25/07/2021 18:05

It doesn’t need to be this hard. Why would you actively pursue something that makes you unhappy? Walk run away.

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