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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have cancelled break

35 replies

HelpIveLostMyMarbles · 25/07/2021 08:58

Hi all, I am genuinely 50/50 as to whether IABU. I can't think straight. My DH is overall a good man, good dad, kind, calm, hard worker, generous and so on. However. He is, I think, extremely avoidant. He would never talk about how he really feels about something - a real closed book. Over a week ago I said I was fed up because I am very much the 'driver' in the relationship. In our 15 years together I have instigated everything from decorating to holidays. He has zero interest in our home so would never do any diy for example. If it weren't for me we would never do anything or have anything! He does all the school runs (WFH, quite long drive) and shopping. He's not a cocklodger
The crux of it is that when I said I wish he would step up more in this regard he was v defensive, said I was whinging, and walked off. I was v calm, I'd never shout, and said it's a shame we can never talk about things that bother us. He hasn't spoken to me since. I will say "Good morning" and he replies but that's it. This is not rare, it's his default.
I had booked a night away for us for his birthday that we were supposed to go to this weekend and I cancelled it. I couldn't risk losing the money if he wasn't going to come/wasn't speaking to me. On Friday he says "what are we doing? Shall we talk on the way?" I said I was sorry but couldn't and didn't want to go. He walked out, not spoken again to me since.
I am fed up of these moods and being ignored so frequently. I lose all attraction and respect for him. I feel hated. But then, am I just as petulant and immature for cancelling? To add to the issue, I am pregnant and feel very sad that this is happening during what's should be a happy time for us together.
Was I being unreasonable to have cancelled and WWYD?

OP posts:

Palavah · 25/07/2021 09:02

How long has he been giving you the silent treatment this time? Does it happen often?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 25/07/2021 09:02

If you cancelled his birthday treat without speaking to him first about doing that then yes you were being unreasonable. Neither of you sound like effective communicators, there is responsibility on both sides.

Original poster

HelpIveLostMyMarbles · 25/07/2021 09:07

@Palavah yes it happens a lot. It had been going on a week this time. He sleeps in the spare room. @CeeceeBloomingdale yes I cancelled it because he wasn't speaking to me again. But yes probably responsibility on both sides. I'd say I'm an avoidance type too...

OP posts:

How2Help · 25/07/2021 09:08

YANBU. Definitely not.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 25/07/2021 09:12

Even if he wasn't speaking to he would have heard you say you were cancelling if you had vocalised it. You both sound like petty children. I wouldn't tolerate silent treatment though, we don't have sulking in our household. There's truth in the old saying never go to bed on an argument.

SmokeyDevil · 25/07/2021 09:14

Yanbu to cancel the holiday I guess, and his comment about 'shall we talk on the way' was highly petty and childish.

But you are also kind of childish for cancelling the holiday, which was part of his birthday present.

It's an unhealthy relationship though. Neither of you communicate well at all, and now another child is being brought into this. You need to get your acts together, your kids will be noticing this and think this is how people behave in relationships. Do you really want your kids in a relationship like this?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/07/2021 09:14

This is really unpleasant. I can understand that it’s better to say nothing than have a big screaming argument, but blanking you for a week over any minor disagreement is not on. I suppose I might have warned him that I was going to cancel the trip away, but I understand why you did it. Unless he can change his ways, perhaps committing to counselling, I’d be rethinking this relationship.

Is this your first baby? Being chronically tired makes everything more difficult. If there’s no healthy mechanism for resolving conflict, I think you’re in trouble.

Original poster

HelpIveLostMyMarbles · 25/07/2021 09:28

Yes it was a bit childish of me. I was just fed up with it and always being the one to initiate conversations to 'repair' things. I thought, childishly, why should I? I do think the relationship is in trouble as we have no way of resolving difficulties and this pattern repeats.

OP posts:

NotaMary · 25/07/2021 09:35

YANBU. Why would you go away together when there is no communication and he is sleeping in the spare room? How much fun would it be to have dinner together in a restaurant? This needs sorted before you go anywhere. I would not want to be setting off on a “fun” trip while having an ongoing disagreement.

Budapestdreams · 25/07/2021 09:40

A night away could have been just what you both need to talk about how you're going to communicate better in future. When you have a child, communication becomes even more important. He sounds like a good person but struggles to talk about his feelings or even understand them.
I think you should do everything you can to understand each other and work out how to communicate in future.

Original poster

HelpIveLostMyMarbles · 25/07/2021 09:40

@NotaMary well this was it you see. I thought there was no point to it and would just have been an unpleasant experience and waste of money. Every time it happens it chips away at the positive feelings I have for him.

OP posts:

YummyBelicious · 25/07/2021 09:41

Are we talking lazy or personality here? If he is passive and quiet then you are basically constantly telling him his personality isn't any good for you, and it will be hard to change for him. Lazy is obviously a different story.

With regards to holiday you are both unreasonable. He shouldn't have stopped talking to you, but you also didn't communicate with him. No way would I let someone ignore me, why not just say we need to talk about this....

Original poster

HelpIveLostMyMarbles · 25/07/2021 09:42

@Budapestdreams I think this is where I am petty too. It would have been a good opportunity and probably resolved things. I was just done with it all really. We have to figure out our communication, that's very true. I think he needs to stop withdrawing and ignoring at the slightest thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpIveLostMyMarbles · 25/07/2021 09:45

why not just say we need to talk about this....
I think because I'm fed up of being the one to do that. And it's such an off-putting trait in him that it leaves me not wanting to extend any olive branch.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 25/07/2021 09:48

You were unreasonable to cancel without discussing it with him if you'd already told him about it, especially as it was for his birthday and he was prepared to talk when you were going away.

No these conversations shouldn't be on his terms but your communication as a couple is shocking.

Budapestdreams · 25/07/2021 09:49

Yes he does need to stop withdrawing and ignoring you. I had an ex who was like this. He once told me that he felt he was going to shout and yell and maybe break things when he got cross/frustrated. He didn't want to do any of those so trained himself to withdraw and go silent instead to protect me and our relationship. Also, had another ex who was ASD and just couldn't express himself verbally very well so also was hard to communicate with.
You need to try to understand why he acts like this and let him know how it makes you feel. Also make sure you ask him what he needs from you in terms of communication.

Scoobydoobywho · 25/07/2021 09:52

Yes you could have gone away to resolve thing, only for the sulking to happen again when he's not happy with you. And round and round you go.

Palavah · 25/07/2021 10:14

@Budapestdreams

A night away could have been just what you both need to talk about how you're going to communicate better in future. When you have a child, communication becomes even more important. He sounds like a good person but struggles to talk about his feelings or even understand them. I think you should do everything you can to understand each other and work out how to communicate in future.

Great, are you going to tell the husband that, because at the moment he seems to think he can ignore his wife for a week and speak to her only when it suits him.

No thanks.

Palavah · 25/07/2021 10:16

@HelpIveLostMyMarbles

YANBU. It's a fairly nuclear approach but it's clear from your posts that your attempts to discuss haven't worked and so you needed to escalate.

Going on a night away with someone who's ignoring you is utterly horrible and i don't blame you for wanting to avoid that.

I'm afraid if he won't do counselling or similar together then I'd be asking myself what kind of relationship I'm left with.

Monr0e · 25/07/2021 10:27

He's been ignoring you for a week?

And he does this regularly? Stonewalling you is a form of control and abuse and you are absolutely not unreasonably to have had enough.

Throw a newborn in the mix and this sounds like a nightmare. I'd be telling him he either sorts his shit out and stops ignoring you like a child or you're done.

Twoforthree · 25/07/2021 10:34

Use this as a catalyst to really discuss the future of your relationship. Force the issue. All cards on the table.
Your communication improves or the relationship is on the line, type talk.

StCharlotte · 25/07/2021 10:39

DH and I go for walks together and do our "talking" then. We've wrestled with and solved an awful lot of issues that way. Too many distractions at home.

Blossomtoes · 25/07/2021 10:43

For the love of God just talk to each other. You sound like a pair of two year olds.

user1471447924 · 25/07/2021 10:50

You’re both as bad as one another. I think you should split up.

Needapoodle · 25/07/2021 12:10

Until you've been in a relationship with someone who uses the silent treatment to punish you into getting back in line, it's hard to know just how worthless it can make you feel. My ex was exactly like this. A week of him creating an atmosphere in your own home in order to shut you up from challenging him on anything. But he was more than happy to chat and be normal to everyone else in the world. But as soon as it was me and him again, the shutters came back down until he decided to stop it. There was nothing i could do about it. If i got upset, then it would be my fault that he was being like this. Yours doesn't want to be made to do more around the house and to take the initiative. All the while he's stropping, i bet you're the one still doing all the thinking. So he's getting his own way and controlling you into the bargain. Win win.

You were not being unreasonable to cancel the break and I'm applauding you in fact. You will have certainly got the point across that there are consequences to his actions in ignoring you like a massive baby.

Stonewalling is actually a form of emotional abuse.

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