My children are driving me mad

[mummyofthreemunchkins]

Probably not the right place to post but figured I would get more traffic
I have 3 children 15,12 and 4. Youngest is an absolute dream, bimbles on with whatever is happening, generally always happy and easy going. The older two... feral!! They are driving me absolutely insane! 15 year old son, 12 year old daughter are always fighting, and I mean ALWAYS, over anything and everything. One looked at the other funny, one touched the sofa cushion the other is on, one is breathing the others air (may be a bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea!) Why cant they just get on... does it get better or am I destined to a life to forever be referee?! I swear they hate each other, buqqqt in the middle of all this is the poor little lady stuck listening to this all day, every day! I have tried grounding, tech bans, stopping pocket money nothing works with these kids! Is it normal for it to be this relentless?? It can literally be from the point they wake up until they go to bed, it's as if they forever look for something to piss the other off. And if I have some relief from them arguing with each other, they are moaning at me, it's like they tag team me!
Someone give me hope that it gets better... failing that, bring alcohol!!

Mine are 12 & 10 and they have driven me absolutely round the bend this week. Niggling and arguing with each other, making a mess with food like they did when they were toddlers, winding each other up by going in each other's rooms. Relentless.

Thankfully they go to their dads for 2 weeks at 10am tomorrow and I have booked 2 days off work to just read and potter around. It's the only thing keeping me sane.

Okay no, this isn’t normal. I know a lot of people will come on and hand wave it, but having grown up with a sister I hated, I really do think it’s serious.

I think you need to speak to (assuming you’re in a relationship) your co parent and work out how to deal with it - fundamentally, you need to be modelling respectful behaviour and create consequences when that’s not being adhered to.

Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read? Good place to start - plus back it up with the Hand in Hand parenting technique. www.handinhandparenting.org/ The two work in synergy together and with hand in hand you can actually contact an instructor.

@cindylouwhosplaits

Mine are 12 & 10 and they have driven me absolutely round the bend this week. Niggling and arguing with each other, making a mess with food like they did when they were toddlers, winding each other up by going in each other's rooms. Relentless.

Thankfully they go to their dads for 2 weeks at 10am tomorrow and I have booked 2 days off work to just read and potter around. It's the only thing keeping me sane.

I feel your pain, I just find it so exhausting. Enjoy some time to yourself

@pandarific

Okay no, this isn’t normal. I know a lot of people will come on and hand wave it, but having grown up with a sister I hated, I really do think it’s serious.

I think you need to speak to (assuming you’re in a relationship) your co parent and work out how to deal with it - fundamentally, you need to be modelling respectful behaviour and create consequences when that’s not being adhered to.

Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read? Good place to start - plus back it up with the Hand in Hand parenting technique. www.handinhandparenting.org/ The two work in synergy together and with hand in hand you can actually contact an instructor.

Thank you for the link, I will certainly take a look. Yes it is me and my husband, although he is convinced its normal as him and his sister did the same growing up, although they dont have a particularly close relationship now. Me and my middle sister were also much the same growing up, there was quite a big age difference there though, so I think we put it down to me being the annoying little sister, and her being the bossy older sister. Unfortunately it took for us to lose our mum for us to finally get on and have a bit of a bond, although I still have a bit of apprehension there. I have sat mine down and tried talking to them, and what impact their behaviour has on how everyone else can feel, consequences work for a while, they have to earn back whatever is lost, whether that is tech, time out, as soon as they have what they want back we are right back to square one, I honestly feel like I'm at my wits end 😞

I knew someone who said if their kids were going to fight they would literally have to take it outside onto the deck and parents didn't intervene unless it became physical-no listening to "He's looking at me Mom!!!" Disengage and walk away

@EKGEMS

I knew someone who said if their kids were going to fight they would literally have to take it outside onto the deck and parents didn't intervene unless it became physical-no listening to "He's looking at me Mom!!!" Disengage and walk away

I think I’d be tempted to ignore and say sort it out. Unless they were actually hurting each other. Also have a think about who might be displaying goading behaviour (winding up) and having them up on it before it gets to arguments. Don’t blame you for getting fed up this would p1ss me right off too!

I don’t have a younger child but our 2 are the same ages as your other 2.

Our older one is very often out with their friends so isn’t around. When they are home together they get on pretty well as it’s not all the time.

Are you all home together all of the time? That’s enough to drive anyone mad, esprit the recent hot weather.

Anyway to separate them? Send one on an errand or one in the garden? It does all sound a bit hormonal with those ages. Any friends to invite around for distraction?
Sympathies op. My twin and I were the same. Mum refused to be a referee resulting in dsis and I having furious whispered arguments.

I have tried to ignore, it can start to get physical between them which is when I have to step in.
It's so hard to work out who is goading who, it's a case of they are both as bad as each other I think, just in different ways. The eldest is more sly with it, my daughter is massively reactive and her brother knows it. He will do something relatively small, but enough for her to completely flip. She will do things she knows will wind him up, it's like they get some kind of weird kick out of it! I have told them both to just ignore it and let it go over their heads, I have got my daughter lots of calming solutions from fidget toys, colouring and essential oil diffusers, it's all very short lived.
I'm finding that I am feeling on edge when they are around each other because I'm just waiting for the fights to start, which perhaps isnt helping if they are picking up on that. I constantly feel on edge and just drained with it all, I just want my happy family back.

When I was 19, my younger brother and sister were 12 and 14 y.o. and they also fought constantly at that time. Mom and I really did not know what to do. To be honest, I'm not sure if we were able to do something about it.., They just stopped after a while. I don't even know how.

I hope you will be fine! Send you all strength and patience, dear!

@Muchtoomuchtodo

I don’t have a younger child but our 2 are the same ages as your other 2.

Our older one is very often out with their friends so isn’t around. When they are home together they get on pretty well as it’s not all the time.

Are you all home together all of the time? That’s enough to drive anyone mad, esprit the recent hot weather.

My son is happy to stay in, but will spend most of his time in his room. My daughter is so sporty so is out much of the time, either with friends or at clubs, covid permitting. Funnily enough both their bubbles burst and they had to self isolate a few weeks ago and it looked like progress was being made, DS was helping DD with school work and I thought they were starting to re bond! Maybe I should lock them in a room together for a couple of weeks!

And yet they both completely dote on their little sister

Ok, I think this needs energy and your input to sort, but probably less energy than listening to them fight
I remember being like this with my sister. I think a huge part of it was because we were rivals for our parents attention and there wasn't enough time and attention to go around.
I think if my parents had helped us see ourselves as a family "team" it would have helped tremendously. I think this is easier to establish with younger children than teens but it might be done.
Is there something you could work on together including you? It could just be chores. Maybe say during the holiday you need more help round the house. Have a family meeting and designate one evening as "get downstairs cleaned" where everyone works as a team to do it in a certain time. By working with and alongside you and cooperating it gets done quicker and more effectively.
It maybe that cleaning isn't the right project and I know it might be hard to get teens onboard ( WiFi off until it is done?) but something that you can work on as a family.

@EducatingArti

Ok, I think this needs energy and your input to sort, but probably less energy than listening to them fight I remember being like this with my sister. I think a huge part of it was because we were rivals for our parents attention and there wasn't enough time and attention to go around. I think if my parents had helped us see ourselves as a family "team" it would have helped tremendously. I think this is easier to establish with younger children than teens but it might be done. Is there something you could work on together including you? It could just be chores. Maybe say during the holiday you need more help round the house. Have a family meeting and designate one evening as "get downstairs cleaned" where everyone works as a team to do it in a certain time. By working with and alongside you and cooperating it gets done quicker and more effectively. It maybe that cleaning isn't the right project and I know it might be hard to get teens onboard ( WiFi off until it is done?) but something that you can work on as a family.

This certainly sounds like something that could work, I think there is definitely some 'team building' to be done. I do feel that alongside their relationship breakdown, mine has also slightly broken down with them as well so will probably be good for all of us to do some bonding! I do agree with the attention thing as well, it's been quite full on with one thing or another and I've been so tired in the evening they probably do feel a bit left out, and bad attention is better than no attention, right? But then with their behaviour it also then makes me retreat so I suppose we get stuck on a bit of a rut. Writing that down makes me feel a bit of a bad parent, are are they fighting because they aren't getting the attention from me. Maybe we all need a bit of a change. It makes me so sad that the happy go lucky kids I once had have disappeared and I now have two teenagers that on the face of it seem to hate each other

Hello, I stumbled upon your post when I was looking up how to handle the arguing between my 3 kids. It's as though you have the same kids as me! Mine are now 16, 13 and 8. The constant arguing and squabbling over everything and anything really gets me down. I think it's fair to say that at the moment I don't enjoy family time. I adore time with my kids one on one but all together is just anxiety ridden for me. I know your post is quite old now ... has anything improved?