To ask about your contract arrangements for your toddlers?

[EmotionallyUnavailable]

I'm posting here for traffic really...

I just want to get an idea as to what contact arrangements other people have for their young children.
The current arrangement me and ex DP are working OK generally in my opinion, though I think DS would probably benefit more from have a "main parent", currently he spends 3 nights a week at his dad's, but it feels a little like he's being passed back and forwards. I feel it would be better if either exDP moved his nights so they were consecutive, so he had time to settle at each house, or dropped a night. I have suggested this (a long with the suggestion I would like child maintainance which has now led to him wanting 50/50 despite having no way to facilitate this) but exDP isn't keen.

Particularly interested to hear from any one who has had court orders for specific times to get a jist of what the court feels is appropriate seeing as that is where I feel this will end up.

I dont think your unreasonable asking for 3 nights in a row bit kids are super adaptable at this age. Could you suggest 3 nights one week then 4 nights the next?

DS does largely seem to be ok with the arrangement, but it makes if very difficult for me as the days are what exDP has picked to suit him so DD is being picked up and dropped off half way through the day which is causing me issues at work.

When we try to come to arrangements for 50/50, exDP will only pick up an additional night if I take DS back 6am the next morning.

A 6am handover is just not acceptable or in your child’s best interests. Whatever arrangement you come up with, try to make it one that will work for school.

DS has about 2 years yet before school but I was thinking that would be a good idea too.

If it was up to me, I would prefer DS to go to his dad's Friday through to Sunday tea time one week, so he gets a full weekend with him (ex DP works 7.30 till 4.30). Then alternate weeks go Thursday through to Saturday night so once school is upon us I would also have a full day with DS alternate weekends.

As it stands neither of us get a full weekend day with DS, (though ex DP is not stamping his feet about long hours when it suits him, again down to maintaimance I think) and with the mid day picking up and dropping off it is making it hard to arrange days out.

When we try to come to arrangements for 50/50, exDP will only pick up an additional night if I take DS back 6am the next morning.

That's not 50/50 then. 50/50 means finding childcare for your days as well as having them overnight. Again, would be better to do consecutive days as this becomes much clearer once you're responsible for DC at the beginning and at the end of the day.

How old is your ds? Under 3 I would be concerned about this arrangement as he doesn't have a primary caregiver.

I think the only thing you can do is propose a reasonable schedule which takes I to account your ds needs around preschool etc, proposed it to him. If he says no then you need to start the court process but use mediation to see if that will enable him to see anything other than what is best for himself.

On the maintenance front, if he won't agree to a practical 50:50 then get onto the cms. That will focus his mind!

This is what I've explained. ExP pretty much picked his days around the days DS ready went to nursery, which I agreed to at the time. But after months of living with it, it isn't working at all at my end.

Of he works 730 to 430 then I would say a day of responsibility starts and ends at 5/530 rather than at 6am. Do t agree for that just so he doesn't pay maintenance. Definitely get onto the Child Maintenance Service.

Can nursery be changed? If he goes on dad's time however then dad pays!

I would be wary of giving up part of every weekend in any schedule though as once he's at school you will do all the grunt work and get no opportunity for fun stuff. You should do every other weekend - if he wants additional days then they have to be week days.

Friends in similar situations - but with older kids involved- have found responsibility switches at school dropping off time. So it is clear which parent is responsible if the child is off school sick - something else to bear in mind if he has picked nursery days - he's responsible for him.on those days even if he can't go to nursery...

We do every other weekend Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm and every Wednesday overnight. Ex picks up from nursery on Wednesdays and Fridays and drops back to me on a Sunday. They are 2 and 3 and I find this works very well for them, they know they have mummy and daddy’s homes but seem happy and settled to have a ‘home base’ I think very young children need a home base to provide that stability.

If your ex wants 50/50 then please ensure he knows that's not just time but also all costs as well, including childcare. Many men including my ex don't realise this and think it's just a convenient way to get out of paying maintenance

Can he not afford childcare as he will not be receiving any benefits or help for the child even with 50/50 only one parent (normally the mother) gets the benefit and can claim childcare. If you aren’t happy with that why don’t you transfer the benefits to him and you pay maintenance and see your child every other weekend one week and Thursday to Saturday the next week if you are concerned about structure.

@OneForTheRoadThen

If your ex wants 50/50 then please ensure he knows that's not just time but also all costs as well, including childcare. Many men including my ex don't realise this and think it's just a convenient way to get out of paying maintenance

Same! He seemed to think I’d cover the £££ childcare bill and all other child related costs whilst he insisted on 50/50 to get out of maintenance. Funny he wasn’t so keen after that was made clear . .

It's like a bloody script @Lachimolala isn't it

@OneForTheRoadThen

If your ex wants 50/50 then please ensure he knows that's not just time but also all costs as well, including childcare. Many men including my ex don't realise this and think it's just a convenient way to get out of paying maintenance

Yes, and it's well worth paying to work with a mediator if you decide to go down this route (in fact any route) so you can thrash out the details fully.

Speaking from experience, as my ex always managed to make me feel like I was asking for the moon, so I'd relent.

@Hidehi4

Can he not afford childcare as he will not be receiving any benefits or help for the child even with 50/50 only one parent (normally the mother) gets the benefit and can claim childcare. If you aren’t happy with that why don’t you transfer the benefits to him and you pay maintenance and see your child every other weekend one week and Thursday to Saturday the next week if you are concerned about structure.

No he can't afford child care to cover all his working hours, even if he did receive benefits as DS main carer he still wouldn't be able to afford it (other children, high housing costs in the area than housing allowance). Financially it makes sense that I am the main carer for both of us and he currently gets a good deal, 75% of DS nursery time is during exP contact time, I pay 50% of the remainder of the fees we have to pay.

I am concerned about DS not being given chance to settle into either house, though I accept DS seems to be coping OK. I have tried to up my working hours and give ex the opportunity to have DS 50/50, he will only facilitate that is DS is dropped off at mine at 6am. I can't up my hours and legally I am entitled to maintainance.

Do not give in to a 6am drop off. That is not in your DS's interests.

Get yourself on to the child maintenance service. They are crap but if he's employed he will be told what to pay. (And I'd drop the 50% nursery fees to 25% if he uses 75% of the time!)

Definitely @OneForTheRoadThen he occasionally pipes up and insists in 50/50 if I do something he doesn’t like, such as enforce a basic boundary like don’t send me texts calling me a c**t or I dare ask for maintenance to be paid on time.

I generally say yes and remind him of the costs and he slinks away until the next time I dare ask for basic respect